One day at a time.

I am currently just sitting down in my mini home office and just pondering on what I have written sometime last month ago - the hiatus and think it's finally time to act on it. I have been so caught up with social media (instagram & facebook mostly) that sometimes I have to remind myself to put my phone down and just enjoy my day in the real world. As I mentioned in the post,  I tend to question myself whenever I see everyone's posts on instagram - all the baby photos, friends' travels, etc.. Which is seriously such a terrible thing for me to do and would probably make me seem ungrateful for all His blessings. I need to also remind myself to just be in the moment, appreciate my surroundings and be constantly grateful that I have a supportive family who will always pull me out of my worries and anxiety.

Depression is an ugly thing. I do not want to get back to that state of mind and having to rely on medications, frequent changing of medications to suit what was best for me.. it was really tiring. It drained me. I do NOT want that. So I told R that it was time. It might sound like a small step, but to me (someone who checks her instagram first thing in the morning and last thing before dozing off at night)..........

(because.. why not?) 😂

I need to stay away from social media for a while. It does not help that dUCk keeps releasing new stuff every other day. LOL! Maybe this will help me actually save money...Bahahaha.. Okay, but seriously. Need to stay away.

A few weeks ago, the Bruneian ladies had a farewell lunch for ka Hjh Mas with some of our Indonesian sisters. One of the ladies offered to take us to yoga class. I was complaining about my frequent headaches, the constant pain every single time I wake up..  She said yoga might be able to help. So I told R of my intention to finally take up yoga. He was so supportive and started browsing online, looking for nearby classes and he found one just 5 mins away from us. We start this Sunday! Wish us luck! =P

I am also trying my best to cut down on my salt intake as I have been constantly told that it probably has contributed to my migraines. Red meat has also been pointed out. Ahh....... red meat. I have bought two books to sort of help me out with eating healthy - Living Gluten-Free for Dummies and The New Atkins workbook. If I could find the receipts for both books, it would probably tell you that both books were bought sometime last year... and they both are still in perfect condition - untouched! Hahaha. It's time to dust off the books and get serious (munches on the oreos that R left on the computer desk as I type this) 😜

But seriously. Yoga. Cutting down my salt intake. And red meat. Sigh. Slowly.

Hiatus

Do you ever get the feeling that the rest of the world is moving so quickly around you? You see everyone you know just keep succeeding in everything they do, tackling every obstacles along their paths and doing so graciously while they're at it... and there you are just moving at a glacial pace while trying to catch up with everyone?

In this fast-paced world, I find it hard to keep up with anything.. I used to be able to handle it so well. I was a pro in putting up a facade and pretend that I understood everything. Nowadays, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I crawl back into my shell and just watch the world go by without me.

I have finally figured out that I need to take a break from everything. I need to reassess everything -  focus on myself, my own health and well-being, my own happiness. It is hard to do so when I have to keep up with the rest of the world and at the same time take care of my own self too. I do get happy seeing all my friends and family happy don't get me wrong, but I can't help but question my own happiness.. which is just not right. I love seeing all the photos of babies and I get this warm feeling whenever I see my friends and family upload photos of their children, yet at the same time, I feel sad thinking how empty my arms are and how its longing to hold a baby in its embrace. I know that I should focus on all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and Alhamdulillah, there has been many... but when it seems that people around you keep reminding you (sometimes subtly.. sometimes not so) that you are less of a woman when you are childless, you can't help but feel empty.

I want to learn to love myself again and be happy with just being me. I need to focus on getting healthy, so my husband and the rest of my family won't have to worry about me all the time.

Doa for me?

Love, Me.

Adoption

The Mister and I have always toyed with the idea of adopting a baby. While we were in the US, in our third year of marriage and before IVF ever came to mind, we had our first talk on adoption.

I had my second miscarriage sometime during our first year in DC (the first one was during our first year of marriage, while we were still in Brunei) but at that time we refrained ourselves from telling any of our family members back home as we didn't want them to worry. We had days where we would just sit down in silence thinking about the miscarriage but we also had some better days where we would just go stroll around our neighbourhood, go on random trips to NY.. basically just enjoying ourselves and each other's company. Eventually, I ended up telling my sister-in-law of our situation and how the mister and I were having a hard time coping with the loss (and the unnecessary drama at that time involving old friends.. LOL!) so my in-laws without any hesitation decided to buy tickets and made the necessary arrangements to fly all the way to DC to visit us. When they arrived, all our troubles and worries melted away.....except for the snow. This was during the Snowmageddon of 2010, y'all! LOL

Okay, I sidetracked... as usual.

To be honest, the idea of adoption started after our first trip back home to Brunei in 2011, after being away for 18 months. At times, we were greeted with all the usual questions from well-meaning family and friends. What they didn't know (or probably did) was that all these provoking questions made our reunions with them awkward. We didn't have the answers to "belum lagi ada baby/no baby yet?" "bilatah ada baby/when will you have a baby?". To our surprise, we also received tips on conceiving (bahhahahahhaah), advice on not to do family planning, go for traditional massages, etc. That was when we started to ask ourselves, "should we be worried?".

When we got back to DC, the mister and I finally talked about adoption and decided to weigh in all the pros and cons. Since we were very far away from home at that time, we tried to also account for all the logistics (flying back and forth to Brunei to settle any necessary issues regarding the potential adoption, etc) and since our list was filled mostly with cons, we thought it was best to forgo on the idea. We went for check ups and eventually decided on IVF (which took a toll on us physically, mentally and financially) but only to end up with unsuccessful sessions. Allah knows best and we believed it was not our time yet to have children so all we could do was redha.

As soon as we set foot back on Brunei soil after our term in DC ended, we abandoned all talks of babies as we were still dealing with all the moving and recent unsuccessful IVF. We decided to focus on work and spending quality time with our family and friends. It was only months later when my bestfriends, who were also trying to conceive at that time too, decided for us to share our TTC journey. We did our best to get healthier together and went for regular check ups at the clinic. Alhamdulillah, we all got pregnant (though not at the same time). They both had successful pregnancies and I couldn't be more than happy for both of them. The mister and I decided to take a break from the TTC journey and just go on holiday and at the same time, visit my aunt who was at that time posted in Manila. What I didn't know at that time was that I was already pregnant. Our first two days in Manila was spent staying indoors mostly as I was constantly nauseous and we all thought I had food poisoning. It was only days later, after a trip to Subic with my aunt, I realised something was wrong. The vomiting and diarrhea (TMI, sorry!) were so bad and I had my period at the same time...or so I thought. What accompanied it was also unbearable stomach pain which I thought was due to the heavy period with the unusually large blood clots. When we went back to Brunei, I decided to go for another check up. I showed the doctor photos of the large blood clots that I took of while in Manila (I know, ewww!) and she did a test on me and confirmed that I recently had a miscarriage so I had to undergo a d&c. My husband and I were both devastated. Had we known I was pregnant, we wouldn't have gone on the trip.. but Allah is the best planner. Months later, we were given news that we were to be posted to KL, so we thought it was best to end the TTC journey for the time being and focus on our move to KL.

After more than two years living in KL (and yet another miscarriage), we finally decided it was the right time to adopt and we were more than ready to be parents. We both love children. We have always loved being around children. It had nothing to do with peer pressure. Nothing to do with being envious of all the amazing friends and families who are blessed with being amazing parents. We just knew we wanted to be parents more than ever. We just know that we have so much love to give and our poor, annoyed cats are always on the receiving end of all those excess love. LOL!!!

So, when I received a call a while back from a friend here (let's call her Far), I couldn't be happier!! She knows of my TTC journey, my miscarriages and depression I endured not long after my tumor in 2014 (another story). She told me that her cousin (let's call her Ayu) who is currently pregnant with her 4th and 5th child (yes, twins!!) and is due end of July, is looking for a couple who would like to adopt one of the babies. Ayu's husband apparently is still an undergrad student and they agreed that they couldn't afford to raise two more children.

Far told her cousin of our situation and according to her, Ayu believed that we could be great parents to one of her unborn child. When I first broke the news to the mister, he was abit skeptic but after I told him all the details and all our arrangements to go for the ultrasound appointments, he eventually let down his guard and warmed up to the idea. One thing we agreed on was that we won't tell anyone until everything was set in stone or better yet, once the baby is in our hands. We were going to find out all the necessary procedures and contact the relevant authorities to ask about adopting a child from abroad but we knew it was not impossible. So... I told my bestfriend, Vi. HAHAHA. I couldn't keep it from her. She shared my excitement and told me she wanted to be in KL when the baby is born. What I love about Vi is that she keeps me grounded. She asked all the necessary questions - all the what's, why's, how's and etc. "Will the child know who the real parents are?", "Will the parents want to see the child again?", "Why are they splitting up the twins? You think this is some Jackie Chan movie?" LOL!! ....and all those other questions.

After the ultrasound and talks with Ayu personally, I knew my heart was set. I was in love with the baby.. I know it sounds silly because at that time, I didn't even know which one would be mine... During our trip back home to Brunei recently, it took alot for me to not randomly burst into song and tell our family of the adoption. The mister and I kept reminding ourselves that anything could happen and what if Ayu decides to keep the baby. It got me nervous but I kept in touch with Ayu to check up on her and everything seemed great. The day after my birthday, she greeted me by sending me the recent ultrasound photo with the caption "Happy birthday, mommy! Love, baby A and my twin". I think my body went on autopilot throughout the day because all my mind could think of was that the mister and I would most probably be parents in a month's time. Before I  left for KL, Vi and I got all sappy with our goodbyes - I said to her "the next time you see me, I will be a mother!" and we got more emo. Hahaha.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. Last Sunday, Ayu texted to say she and the husband are both very sorry but they have decided to give the baby away to a Malaysian, so it is easier for them to see the child when need be. (???) Of course they have every right to want that as the child is rightfully theirs but I thought we have covered all these. My heart broke into pieces. I have asked her all these questions before and she has always told me that it didn't matter because she knew we would take good care of the child and raise her well. When I broke the news to the mister, he handled it pretty well. He told me somehow he knew the mother would eventually change her mind, because things just don't come that easy. We made the right decision to not involve our families initially. It would have been harder if everyone were emotionally involved. I only managed to open up to my ibu about it today (after typing, editing, deleting, re-typing for the past two days) as I didn't know how to tell her and I really needed to hear words of comfort from her. Ibu, as always, knew the right words to say to make me feel better.. always <3

I don't know if we will jump on the adoption idea again anytime soon, but I believe in my heart that the mister and I will one day make great parents. Sometimes I feel that we already are parents... Just without children. Yet. =)

Decluttering - round 3?

I have had my other instagram account (@liyanadeclutters) where I sell my preloved items as means of decluttering, for a few months now and I still feel so hesitant to update it constantly. But I finally caught a glimpse of the book that has been on my shelf for so long - The Joy of Less - yesterday and it got me motivated again to declutter. I went on a youtube binge this morning and watched some videos on minimalism and I am inspired more than ever.. So I thought, this coming week will be crucial, as I would get so lazy during the fasting month and if I were to only start then, it would keep dragging on and basically the whole process would most probably start weeks after Raya. =P I promised myself that I will start sorting things out again on Wednesday.

I just noticed that I have way too many boxes lying around at home so I thought of gathering all the useless items and separate the recyclable ones from the normal ones. Some clothes are going to the H&M recycle bin. Did you know you can get discount vouchers from H&M when you bring in used clothes or any textiles?

Throughout the past year, I have bought a few bags from Sometime and I realised I don't need more than two of the same designs. I used to think I needed different colours of the same design to coordinate with my outfits..but I have noticed that I now only use the same few bags. Some have been given to my family and friends while some I have sold on my instagram account. I have a few more than I am selling..because I don't need three baby bastabags of similar colours. LOL. It hurts to even type it. Hahaha.

Next, the many books on the shelves will also need to go to new homes because I feel that the books need to be read and not just serve as decoration (the current situation in our home). The books need to serve its purpose so they really must go. I also have too many unused notebooks that I have hoarded the past few years. Everytime I enter Typo or basically any stationery store, my heart beats so fast whenever I see new notebooks. "I can write my expenses in this and keep track of my daily meal plan in this other one" - one of the lies I tell myself. Then, there's the washi tapes! Oh the washi tapes. What was I thinking? I probably have over a hundred of them. Whenever I thought of decorating my planner, I go online and look up washi tapes and buy them, all the while ignoring the growing amount that I store in my box. #liyanathehoarder

Lastly, I know this time I have to include my dUCkscarves. While tidying up my closet, I have to painfully admit that I have more than I need. Altogether, I have bought 10 sets of the dUCk hangers (equivalent to 50 hangers) and I found that I still need 4 more sets to get all the scarves individually hanged. How did I end up with more than 70 dUCks?  I *heart pain* have to part ways with a few. I know that I will never part with the fluffs (Loooooove!!), jerseys & LEs so I think most of the satin silks, matte satin silks, mixed crepes, georgettes would have to go. In shaa Allah I will be strong enough to decide which ones. I need to send them for dry cleaning first I guess before selling them.

Anyway.. Good luck, Liyana! You need it. =(

When forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.

Throughout my 31 years of life, I know I have made many mistakes, one of it is hurting people with or without the intention to, directly or indirectly. I am a flawed human. But I have learnt to ask for forgiveness from everyone and I am also now able to forgive everyone and myself easily.

I sometimes think that I forgive too easily. I can wake up the next day as if nothing has happened and carry on with my relationship with anyone who has hurt me the day before. It may appear that all is well on the surface, but sometimes I still carry the anger or hurt inside all the while putting on a facade. So I finally realised, it really isn't forgiveness.. It is just burying. The danger of burying things is that it may be dug out and if that happens, all the hurt, anger, pain returns and sometimes, amplifies.

Huge flaw to this system that I have lived with for so long. So I learn.

I am slowly learning to really forgive and forget. It is hard, but I try. Before I go to sleep, I think of all that has happened and pray that Allah SWT forgives me and everyone around me so that when I wake up, not only can I carry on with my relationships with everyone but actually go through every single day with no remorse or anger, in shaa Allah.  But sometimes it requires us to, albeit painfully, move on and say goodbye in order to do so.

Through so many conversations, soul searching and plenty of reading, I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to move on is to cut off all ties with those who have hurt me. I now understand why someone I used to know did it. It was probably the easiest option. Life is too short to live it with anger and negativity. Forgive. But you don't have to continue the relationship. It won't make you or him/her bad people.