Versions of me.

........"I heard she feigned her sickness so she could get out of work."

"She's friends with certain people so she can manipulate them to get what she wants."

"Oh.. I heard she's barren."

"Oh, yes I know her. She tries so hard to be liked."

"I heard her husband cheated on her, poor girl"

"Yeap, I heard she flirts with married men."

"I heard she was admitted to a mental ward while she was in KL"


....just a few "versions" of me that actually reached me.

I have learnt to just accept the fact that everyone's entitled to their own opinions and versions of everyone....but the things you hear are just plain ridiculous. Just to set the record straight, none of the above are true..... and for the record, just because one sees a psychiatrist, it does not mean one was in a 'mental ward'. Come on guys... it's time to fight the stigma that's associated to mental health.

There's also this inappropriate belief that if one does not have children after years of marriage, one must be labelled as 'barren'. There's many factors to infertility, and in the age of internet, it is so easy to look up these factors. Plus, just because one is childless, it does not mean that one's husband/wife will stray. There is such thing as loyalty, (yeap! even at this day and age. I know! *gasp*) There is also a thing called being 'faithful'. You know.....the opposite of what that Rihanna's song is about.

You are entitled to believe whatever you wish to, but be smart. Ask. Assess. Then, should you still hear random versions of me, please DON'T tell me. =P

Goodnight or good morning wherever you are <3

Thank you =)

I have been bruised and beaten on the inside for so long that I had no idea that I actually looked the part too on the outside. It has recently been pointed out by a few family and friends that I look different now, apparently brighter, more cheerful.. (Rafie will soooo have me thank him for making me wear red lipstick more =P) ..but yes, I do feel brighter.

Those close to me constantly remind me to block out all negativity and focus on the present, but sometimes I just couldn't get over the fact that some around me could believe all the rumours told previously until I came across this :

....and it really resonates with me.

So I try.. have been trying to not let people's assumptions of me get to me. Life's hard enough without having to worry about what everyone else say or think of you. 

I think with the new way of thinking plus all the positivity from the wonderful people around me, I have managed to tone down on all the sadness, anger and basically all the negativity. So much so that those around me have started to notice it just by looking at my face. I smile more nowadays. I have stopped putting myself down. I laugh harder. Genuine laughters. I take part in conversations. I listen. I dance to random music. 

So, thank you. Thank you to each and everyone of you who have my days a lot more brighter. Thank you for not giving up on me =)

Goodnight or good morning wherever you are <3

Life is funny.

....it really is, isn't it? I received a phone call from an old friend today while at work, someone whom I have not spoken to over a year. We stopped talking over a silly misunderstanding and I guess neither of us were willing to drop our ego to actually ask "what's going on?". Imagine the laughter/confusion we had when we finally talked it out when my friend called me back this evening and we figured out how that misunderstanding happened. (Am glad someone managed to drop one's ego and made the call =P thank you for reading my blog and for your concern with my health.)

Just goes to show that some people likes to cause a stir in other people's lives.. I just don't get it. I can't see the purpose of such things. Most recently as well, I found out old rumours about someone I care for are still spreading and it just breaks me. How do people have the time to come up with such lies and the time to actually spread it? I barely have enough time to put on my 10 minute facial masks (that I hoard and promised myself will put on at least once a week when I bought the packs. hoarder)! 

I honestly can't fathom why some people are highly invested in knowing what is going on with other people's lives... to the point that facts are manipulated so the "stories" to be told to others are more interesting. When many people struggle with mental health issues nowadays, people should be treating others much nicer and be less of a bully. I say bully because spreading rumors hurts. Words hurt too. Although they can't be seen, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

Everyone should really start to mind their own business and just reflect on their own words and actions. Be kinder. The world needs more kind people. 

Goodnight or good morning wherever you are <3

Hello, 2019

...or rather (almost) bye, 2019! Almost a year since I have written in here.

I started work on 2nd January this year, and I can safely say, it has been better than I expected. Ofcourse, there's the occasional disappointments and the thing that I feared most (my history in KL) is rather part of a permanent record which sorta affects my current work, but it's okay.

لاحول ولا قوة إلا بالله العلي العظيم

“There is neither might nor power except with Allah”

It took a while to adjust myself at work but slowly I got the hang of it. From my first month back at work, I was surrounded by awesome colleagues who made me look forward to going to work every day (I hope you're reading this, bbg!). It reminded me of how I was at work in 2008-2009 before I left for DC... before all the pain. It reminded me why I loved working.

We also had our first full Ramadhan in Brunei this year after being away for a few years. I love that we get to do tarawih with both sets of parents (on different occasions). I love that we get to break fast with family members and friends. First day of Raya was spent with both sides of the families, Alhamdulillah. 

On the second day of Hari Raya and the day before my birthday, we lost Archie and Snowball. Some bad people broke into our home and stole them and their carriers. The police came over to look at the scene and no idea what else they did to investigate. Our hearts were broken..still are. Archie and Snowball are our babies that we have raised since they were born... Archie and Snowball are both Bella's babies... our babies... We pray that wherever they are, they are safe and cared for and we pray that whoever stole them will get what they deserve.. Aaamiiin ya Rabbal alamin.. It has been a tough time for R and I but we are so blessed to have family members who have been there for us since that day. We believe Allah SWT has something in store for us, in shaa Allah, something much better... 

I was reading through my old entries and I realised that I had so much anger in me. I have tried my best to slowly become a calmer person (tried, okay! hahaha) but I guess sometimes I do fall off the wagon. However, I love seeing my progress. I learn to accept my flaws. When previously, I hated alot about myself, now I learn to embrace it. I have learnt to like the sound of my own voice... oh how annoyed I used to be with it. I think even R notices how I am happier now. Nothing to do with anti depressants or any other medications (have stopped taking anti depressants as of June 2018, Alhamdulillah, and no longer need it according to my psychiatrist). 

We are now less than 3 months away from 2020 and I am looking forward to see what it has in store for me. I can only pray that there are many positives that will outweigh the negatives. Aaamiiin. 

Goodnight or good morning wherever you are =)

Leaving.

YIKES.

We are officially heading back home in 40 days! FORTY DAYS! The cats will be leaving KL in 20 days and I am so sad that we will be spending almost one month apart from them. We have so much packing left to do and so many people to see before we leave. I am so grateful that I have made many friends throughout the years we have been in KL. The past few days have been spent just going out for lunches with friends from ALC, friends I have met through dUCk and one friend I have the privilege of meeting at the oncology ward few years ago.

It all just seems so surreal. KL has been home to us for almost 5 years. There has been many ups and downs but, we have come out stronger... in shaa Allah.

When we first set foot in KL in February 2014, I was a working woman. Months later, I would have my first heartbreak in KL when I was told to take leave instead and then replaced by someone who in the end took much more time off for being sick (fine, she had two surgeries in KL instead of my one surgery) as well.

I got asked by a colleague back at HQ why we mentioned I was certified fit for work in 2014 but yet had to undergo surgery less than two months later. At that time, I was slowly recovering after undergoing treatments, everything was going well and my recently diagnosed (at that time) anxiety was treatable.. but then I got word from another colleague that they were sending a replacement, I blacked out. It was unfortunate that I blacked out while walking near the edge of the bed as my head actually hit the edge before I hit the floor. The husband rushed me to the hospital and after a CT scan/MRI, my neurologist referred me to a neurosurgeon as they found that one of the cavernomas had bled. So the surgery was necessary. At that time, we were so angry and blamed everyone. It was only much later that I accepted my fate. I was reminded that everything was written long before we were born and therefore, I had to accept it. From then on, my husband and I decided that for most of my hospital sessions, we would try our best to just cover them ourselves so that the office would not have access to the records to use it against me later on while I try to recover.

Early 2015, I had another miscarriage which was eventually a blessing (I can only say this now as it was one of the worst period of my life at that time) because I was then referred to a specialist in Tawakkal who told me I had cysts in my ovaries which was treatable, but if left untreated could grow and grow. I wouldn't have known that the cysts were there if I hadn't had that miscarriage. So I consider it a blessing in disguise.

With the ongoing treatments with the neurologist, I was told to forego any plans of conceiving as in 2016, I had problems with my bloodwork which made them refer to the oncologist. I have never even heard of oncology prior to being referred there. I didn't have cancer. Just that my bloodwork was "messy". I had to go through a form of chemotherapy. I only learnt that chemotherapy was not just for cancer patients. I had a total of three sessions of the therapy from which I would normally just get sick for many days after. I learnt to be independent. Although sometimes I wish that I could bring my husband to accompany me, but I know he has much work to do... so alone I go and sit through it. I hated it. But Alhamdulillah, my bloodwork got so much better at the end of the third session.

In 2017, I started going out more. I attended social events. I was more comfortable talking to people. I managed to tame my anxiety. I started letting go of people who were toxic to me. I began taking care of myself. I attempted to go on a journey towards minimalism. Key word = attempted. LOLs.

2018 is tough. I lost my grandfather... and I wasn't home when he passed. But I was at peace knowing he was no longer in pain. I dreamt of him. A younger him, smiling. I knew he was at peace. And I felt better. We also tried adopting a baby. After being invested in it (buying clothes, a deposit for a baby crib and not counting the fact that I was already in love with the unborn baby), few weeks before the baby was born, the parents cancelled. Another heartbreak.

But we will be saying goodbye to 2018 in 40 DAYS!

So to recap,

One miscarriage,
One gamma knife surgery,
Three radiation therapies,
Depression and Anxiety
Twenty-five neuro rehabilitation sessions,
One failed adoption process..

But then, there's the countless friendships made. So there's somewhat of a balance.

Bring it on 2019!