Gossips.

You have to admit that at least once in a while, you have the tendency to gossip, whether it be about your friends, family, celebrities, strangers, their family, your cats or whoever. For some, that is what they crave for on the daily... gossips. While some on the other hand are always so eager to be one to spread gossips, to be the first to provide "relevant" info. It is now becoming more and more easier for gossips to spread now with the widespread use of social media. Everyone's a screenshot away from it. It is becoming the norm where one would just stalk someone's social media account, take screenshots of their posts and forward them to their friends and gossip about the aforementioned person. I for one, have done so in the past & present me can't be more appalled.... 


أَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ الْعَظِيمَ

What we need to remind ourselves is the following :

It has been mentioned in the Qur'an in Surah Al-Hujurat ayah 12 

"O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful."

So dear sisters in Islam, we should really stop with all the backbiting, spreading of rumors and fitnah.  Do we really want to be held accountable for these actions on the Day of Judgement over a mere few minutes of gossiping pleasure?
 نعوذ بالله من ذلك

It is never too late to repent, in shaa Allah. May Allah SWT forgive us all for our mistakes and may we be worthy of Jannah Firdaus. Aamiin ya Rabbal alamin.

2016

I know it's a bit cliché but the year really did go by so fast and I for one, know that I won't miss it that much. It indeed was filled with plenty of happy memories but memories of pain and heartbreak came with it hand in hand. I promised myself and a few close friends that I will no longer dwell on the sad memories and just focus on a better and brighter 2017 and I will do just that, in shaa Allah.

But before I close that chapter, I just want to say - thank you 2016 for teaching me the following :

• how to get up again every time I fall
• what not to do whenever getting into quarrels with anyone
• how not to get into quarrels with anyone (LOL!)
• learn to keep more things to myself
• appreciate everyone in my life for the roles they play in shaping me into the person I have become
• why I must always be grateful for all that has happened
• not ask why bad things happen
• not be sad when things don't go my way
• not get broken hearted when I don't get what I pray for
• be thankful for all the good days when I am not in pain and of course the bad days too because it makes me appreciate the good days more..
• how to walk away when I need to

and above all else... that I should always be kind to myself. In order to do so, I must always treat myself well and take care of my own health and happiness, because who else but me will do so? Allah SWT created me and He placed me here for a purpose, therefore I must learn to appreciate this amanah given by Him.    

So.. thank you 2016.

In shaa Allah :)

It's 2 minutes to 2 am and I am still unable to fall asleep. It could be from watching Insidious 2 on Netflix with the cousins or maybe I just have so much going on in my mind right now. Maybe the latter.

I came across a Facebook post from Mufti Menk's facebook page.

It reminded me of conversations I had with my husband & my mom (on separate occasions). I mentioned several times that I just want to walk away from all the negativity in my life and focus on what makes me happy - life is too short to surround ourselves with drama and things that weigh you down.

When I saw this post, it somehow made everything clear, Alhamdulillah. I now believe, in life, we should always forgive everyone for their mistakes when they seek for forgiveness and even sometimes when they don't. A wise lady used to tell me that every night before she goes to bed, she would ask for forgiveness from her husband & that she would also remind herself to forgive all those around her. She always wakes up happy. Back then, I couldn't really grasp this idea as my young mind couldn't comprehend why I should forgive people who have wronged me, let alone when they didn't even bother to ask for forgiveness in the first place. I would like to think that my 31 year old self is now a little bit more wiser and more forgiving.. In shaa Allah :)

Forgiving people for their mistakes will eventually lift away most of the burden that is weighing you down after carrying all that anger and hatred, and in shaa Allah, if Allah wills it so, it will make you feel so much better. I am not saying that I am even close to this but I am working so hard to actually reach there.

I felt happy after coming across this post as it was the first post I saw when I went on Facebook. It just reaffirms what I have been thinking. It's alright to move on. Forgive and move on..  but it doesn't mean you have to continue talking to each other. You can choose to  move on and walk away. It doesn't mean that you or the other person are bad people for walking away. It doesn't mean you don't care and it doesn't mean that you are going against Rasulullah SAW's teaching just because you want to walk away, no matter how others will try to perceive it that way. You are in control of your own life and it is up to you to live it how you would like to, as long as you do not hurt anyone along the way.

Only Allah SWT knows what is inside this little heart & only Allah SWT can judge me.

This and That

It's been months since I've actually written on this blog. See... atleast I remain true to my nature of being inconsistent. LOL!

I am currently in bed while facing the macbook and the window. Bella is now lying on my vanity chair, asleep. 

   

In 2 hours, Mu'izz & Ayumi will  be here while Uchu Noh, aunty Tin & the girls will be arriving later tonight. I am so excited to have family over. It was only a few days ago Babah & Ibu left KL after a 4 day visit. They came to actually accompany me to my neurology review but I told them what my doctor advised me and Rafie (that I should be more independent! LOL) so they didn't tag along. 

 

Please excuse the butterfly gown. Hahaha. It was too comfy!

 

Lil Archie joined us to the lobby to send off ibu & babah.

I always love having family over but I hate the goodbyes that come with it. Even the cats love all the extra attention and affection they get from all my friends and family that I always hate having to tell them that we are back on our own after everyone leaves. Hahaha.

But jokes aside, sometimes I can't help but feel alone. When Rafie leaves for work, that's my time to go feed the cats and sometimes just sleep in during the morning. I am thankful that the ladies here are always up for last minute meet ups for brunch every now and then that sometimes I feel bad whenever I can't go if I feel unwell but they always understand <3

I don't like being sick. I am sick most of the time. My head hurts almost every single morning. I'd get excited to do something the next morning (go out / take away my favourite food / manipedi / sit down at kinokuniya and just read etc) and then I'd end up disappointed because I'd be too sick to even get up and do regular things. I would end up being in bed, curtains closed, lights off and sometimes with a koolfever pad (I don't know how it helps but it does sometimes).

Few weeks ago, we found out that there is a swelling on my left side of the brain. Days leading to it, I had a huge migraine and on that particular Friday, I was scheduled for something but I decided to actually get my migraine checked first because I couldn't take it anymore. The doctor could actually feel the swelling but insisted that it has probably been there for some time so I was told to go for a ct scan. I cried so hard on the way to my doctor's office while bringing the scan as the lady who did my scan told me to go see my doctor right away and to bring the scan. My mind was filled with all these negative thoughts that I actually looked into my husband's eyes and told him "I think there's something else." We walked together quietly to the doctor's office. He advised that there is indeed a swelling but he needs to refer to my previous ct scan to see how fast the swelling has grown or if it has been there for quite some time already. He told me to do a blood test as well to check for any tumor indications. (I... hate.... needles! But this lady did it so quick and I think I like her. Haha!) The doctor told me to wait for a phone call for the results. Days later I got the call, no tumor indications! Alhamdulillah! But, he told me he had to send my blood elsewhere for something else. My white blood count was quite high. I am thalassemic so to me that news is old news. No calls. Went to the review. He was super nice! He said "You look well! Seems like you lost weight". Sugar coating it! Haha. Later he explained that he sent my blood to the oncologist & that I have to be referred elsewhere. I decided to not go yet and just wait till next year. I couldn't really take it. So much has happened the past few months for me healthwise and I just couldn't take it. Too much to worry about. I hate complaining as I know Allah has better plans for me and my family.. but during my weak moments, I couldn't help but. Astaghfirullah. All my doctors have been saying the same things, to stay positive, always stay positive, do things that make me happy.. and I have been trying.

Sometimes you just got to walk away from all the negativity and concentrate on your own iman, health and happiness because you and only you will know what is best for yourself. May Allah SWT increase our iman, bless us with good health, barakah and happiness. Aaamiin ya rabbal alamin.

Cavernoma - Pt 1

When you look up the word Cavernoma, it gives you several different explanations on what it is but mostly with similar meanings. So what is it exactly? Here's what will come up first when you look it up online.

"A cavernoma is a cluster of abnormal blood vessels, usually found in the brain and spinal cord. They're sometimes known as cavernous angiomas, cavernous hemangiomas, or cerebral cavernous malformation (CCM). A typical cavernoma looks like a raspberry”

My experience with cavernoma started in 2014. Prior to this, the word has never been brought up during my check ups, not even back in DC. In 2011, while still in DC, it happened. I fainted. Out of the blue. I just fainted. We went to Sibley Memorial Hospital and I was admitted for a day. I had to do a CT scan and the doctors said everything seemed normal & told me I was probably just tired. 

In 2013 when we got back home to Brunei, it became more and more frequent. The doctors in Brunei diagnosed me with arrythmia & tachycardia and told us we need not worry. I was born with an extra circuit in the heart apparently and this is what's causing it. I would faint a few times in a month and at one point, I fainted just while getting out of the car. So after a few more hospital trips and a few nights at the CCU, the doctors decided to perform ablation on me. I got better, Alhamdulillah. 

Mid 2014, in KL, I began to have the fainting spells again. At one time, I fainted while I was in the shower. Luckily, my husband was just outside and heard the thud. He rushed me to the nearest hospital. Again, another CT scan. The neurologist that attended to me at that time told us that there was something there on the right side of my brain but it was nothing alarming. It was just a small clot but harmless. We went back home and again left it at that. Months after, it became more and more frequent and this time accompanied by seizures so we went to see a different neurologist in a different hospital. This time I had to go do an MRI. I hate MRIs. I am terrified of the noise and the space. I hate it. We finally heard the word cavernoma. My neurologist showed us the MRI scan and pointed out that I had several clots on the right side of my brain. He did an EEG on me and it also triggered some mini seizures.  He also told us that I had to keep coming back for reviews regularly. But the worse happened. I received a message from someone back home telling me something I dreaded and all the sudden, I blacked out again...this time while I was walking along side the bed and my head had hit one of the edges of the bed. My poor husband again rushed me to the hospital and after yet another CT scan, this time the neurologist referred me to the neurosurgeon. We had to sit down with the surgeon who later told us that I should consider doing the gamma knife surgery. What it does is that it will "cushion" the clots so that it will no longer bleed. In shaa Allah.

27th August 2014 was the date of the gamma knife procedure. I was admitted the day before so they could run some blood tests and everything. I was good to go. On the day itself, the neurosurgeon and anesthesiologist came in to brief me on the procedures. 

First procedure, I was to go for a skull measurement where they would mark the areas I should be "pinned" with the head frame. Next, they put on the head frame. It took 1 doctor and 3 or 4 nurses to put it on. They injected some local anesthesia on the spots where the pins (or rather screws!) were to be inserted. Although it was numb but omg! When the screws were inserted (two on the front of my forehead and two at the back), I felt so much pressure in the head. It was definitely uncomfortable. While this was done, I could feel warm liquid trickling down my face and later found out it was blood. When I saw Rafie at the door, I couldn't help but feel so sorry for him. I had a feeling it was difficult for him to see all this and knew what was probably going on in his mind. The neurologist reassured him that this is all normal.. they just got the pins wrong and they kept having to pin and unpin hence all the blood. =/ I was so thankful that the anesthesiologist just sat infront of me, kept telling me it was all going to be alright and that I was doing good. After that I was wheeled back to my room and was told to rest before the procedure. It was very uncomfortable to lie down because of the head frame. Few hours later, I was wheeled to the MRI room. For this I was given anesthesia as it was supposed to take a while and I am claustrophobic! When I woke up, it felt like I just finished counting down from 10-1. Turned out, it was almost 2 hours later! The MRI was required so they could analyse and pin point the exact areas where the gamma knife was to be done on. Moments later, they took me to the room where the procedure was to be done. No anesthesia needed as they required me to be fully awake. I was surprised when the neurosurgeon came back and told me all was done and that I could go back to my room after they remove the head gear. In the room, I was so happy as I could finally get to eat!! The day after, I was discharged after the neurosurgeon came and told us that the procedure was successful but we will have to wait for 3-6 months to actually see results. The next few months were a bit difficult as other matters arised…which I will write about soon, in shaa Allah.

One of Rafie's aunt was there too to accompany us, Alhamdulillah. None of my family members could be there as my parents were in Jeddah at that time and my brothers were all schooling, so I was a bit sad. :( I am always  thankful that KL is only a 2 hour flight from Brunei so we occasionally get visits from relatives who will come to check up on me.

Okay, a little bit tired from all the typing! Hahaha. Thanks for reading!