About a year ago, I started seeing an oncologist for something that I had at that time and began to get regular blood transfusions. I hated it whenever I had to come back for the transfusions as I would get nauseated after and that feeling doesn't normally go away till the next day. Often times I go alone as I didn't want to pull my husband from his work and I got pretty used to it. Reviews, MRIs, transfusions, blood tests, EEGs, seizure treatments at the neurologist, therapists.. these are just some of those that I got used to doing alone. Of course the mister would come if he knows I am not too well to go on my own or if anything requires me getting admitted, but other than that, I felt I could do it on my own. Syukur Alhamdulillah.
I would break down easily and would always feel that no one else knew what I was going through.. I got mad at everyone. I got mad seeing my healthy friends. I got mad at my doctors. If any of you were in my way, I would probably have gotten mad at you too. I was a mess on the inside.. but no one knew. I was on several anti depressants and anxiety medications. I got tired easily. But then one day while waiting to get picked up, I was sitting down at the oncology ward, there was a kid (probably 5, 6 or 7 years old) with his very kind helper who was just a few steps away from me. I overheard the doctor asking him how he was doing and he just smiled. I still remember what his helper said "still the same, he is tired, too many needles everyday" but the kid just smiled.. He didn't complain. It hit me so hard. It took me a while to digest that lesson that I saw right in front of me.. so after that, whenever I feel that I can't do it or want to break down, I remind myself that there are those who have it worse. Sometimes this made me feel better, but sometimes, I still felt so lost.
Looking back, I just want to give my past self a huge hug and tell her that everything will all be alright.. things do get better. All I ever needed was a hug and reassurance.. I never got that at that time.. but maybe because people around me didn't know what to say or do when I was around. Even at home I couldn't talk about it, afraid that it would make others feel uncomfortable, trust me.. they do..so I chose to just keep it all in. Alhamdulillah, a year after that, when I got much better, I finally chose to open up about it to one of my best friends. I told her about how I felt, what I went through, what I wished people have told me and what I wish I could have told people without making everyone uncomfortable. I was so happy that she had let me talk. Forget psychiatrists.. A best friend is sometimes all you need. Thank you, you know who you are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with something else and I remind myself, to not keep it all in this time, but at the same time, to not look at it as a form of punishment from Allah nor is it a reason to punish people. I try my best to have a positive outlook on life, do things I love, spend more time with people I care about, walk away from situations that will lead to any negativity and buy the things that make me happy. This last point actually sometimes becomes a topic of discussion by some people here and there, who tend make a big issue out of my purchases (mostly on the dUCkscarves that I collect) and at times, rudely points it out so, as if they are the ones paying for them. Some even says how they feel sorry for my husband, not knowing that I pay for my own stuff almost all the time. LOL. Okay, enough negativity.. Wooohsaaaa..
Ending this post on a positive note.. Whatever you are going through right now, be it good or bad, all comes from Allah so you can be at peace knowing that Allah will never put you in a situation that He knows you can't handle.
Good night or good morning, wherever you are <3
