Throughout my 31 years of life, I know I have made many mistakes, one of it is hurting people with or without the intention to, directly or indirectly. I am a flawed human. But I have learnt to ask for forgiveness from everyone and I am also now able to forgive everyone and myself easily.
I sometimes think that I forgive too easily. I can wake up the next day as if nothing has happened and carry on with my relationship with anyone who has hurt me the day before. It may appear that all is well on the surface, but sometimes I still carry the anger or hurt inside all the while putting on a facade. So I finally realised, it really isn't forgiveness.. It is just burying. The danger of burying things is that it may be dug out and if that happens, all the hurt, anger, pain returns and sometimes, amplifies.
Huge flaw to this system that I have lived with for so long. So I learn.
I am slowly learning to really forgive and forget. It is hard, but I try. Before I go to sleep, I think of all that has happened and pray that Allah SWT forgives me and everyone around me so that when I wake up, not only can I carry on with my relationships with everyone but actually go through every single day with no remorse or anger, in shaa Allah. But sometimes it requires us to, albeit painfully, move on and say goodbye in order to do so.
Through so many conversations, soul searching and plenty of reading, I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to move on is to cut off all ties with those who have hurt me. I now understand why someone I used to know did it. It was probably the easiest option. Life is too short to live it with anger and negativity. Forgive. But you don't have to continue the relationship. It won't make you or him/her bad people.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Monday, March 20, 2017
Someone that I used to know
"Sweet is the memory of distant friends! Like mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the heart." - Washington Irving
We always seem to know what the other one was thinking even just from a simple grin, my old friend and I. When one suddenly bursts into laughter, the other would know why and when one tells a corny joke that no one else would get, the other already knew the perfect joke that would follow. We understood the unspoken words. We tried to heal the unseen wounds. We saw through the fake smiles, the lies and the tears that were uncried.
It's really funny how a short friendship could leave such a dent in my heart with the unsaid goodbye. I was young, too naive, too proud. My heart was filled with all the sadness and pain from all the "supposed" he says she says from everyone around me that I couldn't even navigate away from it all. Even years later, I still think about how if the situations were different, could we have remained friends? Even years later, I think it was silly for us to get involved into drama that weren't even ours to begin with; each going on opposing teams, teams that we should never even have gotten on in the first place.
In the early days of our friendship, I received such horrendous news on how this friend's husband tried to do something horrible to mine...... looking back, I don't even know if all of these were true...... all the unnecessary anger, pain, the feeling of betrayal and depression my husband and I went through, which eventually lead to my miscarriage..... but my husband and I decided to let it all go, for our own sake as we were away from everyone we love, so it was not good for us to delve into all the sadness. Forgiveness were silently given to those who didn't earn it and seek it.
Some time after, we managed to bury all the hurt and we managed to lead pretty happy lives. We'd drop whatever we were doing (if they weren't important! haha) and go see each other when need be. We talked of dreams, make-up, celebrities, tv shows and so many other things but rarely talk about others. We lived in our own bubble and got caught up in all things pretty...till things got in the way. Even remembering this gives a tinge of sadness in my heart.
Everything became ugly... up to a point where her friend made fun of me on social media, that was obviously visible for me to see, and I didn't even catch it at first until friends of mine pointed it out. I was hurt and promised myself not to forgive the person. Her actions were uncalled for and were obviously done to hurt my feelings on purpose. Till today, I couldn't even bring myself to forgive her and reminded myself she truly doesn't deserve it. My old friend did apologise for what her friend did...but that was probably one of the last times we spoke cordially to each other.
Some time after this, I read something from Yasmin Mogahed's page (I had to google it up just now.. But I remember what it entailed) -
"This explains why some souls feel inexplicably drawn to other souls:
The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab Ahaadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, Baab al-Arwaah junood mujannadah)."
I guess our souls never got to meet before this...but it's okay. It does not make us both bad people. She is a good person and I'd like to think that I am a good person too. We were just not meant to be friends...and that's okay, I guess.
We always seem to know what the other one was thinking even just from a simple grin, my old friend and I. When one suddenly bursts into laughter, the other would know why and when one tells a corny joke that no one else would get, the other already knew the perfect joke that would follow. We understood the unspoken words. We tried to heal the unseen wounds. We saw through the fake smiles, the lies and the tears that were uncried.
It's really funny how a short friendship could leave such a dent in my heart with the unsaid goodbye. I was young, too naive, too proud. My heart was filled with all the sadness and pain from all the "supposed" he says she says from everyone around me that I couldn't even navigate away from it all. Even years later, I still think about how if the situations were different, could we have remained friends? Even years later, I think it was silly for us to get involved into drama that weren't even ours to begin with; each going on opposing teams, teams that we should never even have gotten on in the first place.
In the early days of our friendship, I received such horrendous news on how this friend's husband tried to do something horrible to mine...... looking back, I don't even know if all of these were true...... all the unnecessary anger, pain, the feeling of betrayal and depression my husband and I went through, which eventually lead to my miscarriage..... but my husband and I decided to let it all go, for our own sake as we were away from everyone we love, so it was not good for us to delve into all the sadness. Forgiveness were silently given to those who didn't earn it and seek it.
Some time after, we managed to bury all the hurt and we managed to lead pretty happy lives. We'd drop whatever we were doing (if they weren't important! haha) and go see each other when need be. We talked of dreams, make-up, celebrities, tv shows and so many other things but rarely talk about others. We lived in our own bubble and got caught up in all things pretty...till things got in the way. Even remembering this gives a tinge of sadness in my heart.
Everything became ugly... up to a point where her friend made fun of me on social media, that was obviously visible for me to see, and I didn't even catch it at first until friends of mine pointed it out. I was hurt and promised myself not to forgive the person. Her actions were uncalled for and were obviously done to hurt my feelings on purpose. Till today, I couldn't even bring myself to forgive her and reminded myself she truly doesn't deserve it. My old friend did apologise for what her friend did...but that was probably one of the last times we spoke cordially to each other.
Some time after this, I read something from Yasmin Mogahed's page (I had to google it up just now.. But I remember what it entailed) -
"This explains why some souls feel inexplicably drawn to other souls:
The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab Ahaadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, Baab al-Arwaah junood mujannadah)."
I guess our souls never got to meet before this...but it's okay. It does not make us both bad people. She is a good person and I'd like to think that I am a good person too. We were just not meant to be friends...and that's okay, I guess.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Things never go as planned!
I had my activities for today all planned out already by last night. I thought in the morning, I'd order from foodpanda then just spend the whole day at home packing my home office, do laundry, pack all the remaining clothes and everything else basically...just spend a good full day at home and spend the last two days here just reminiscing. Everything was carefully thought of. Everything was gonna be perfect (if you consider doing laundry as perfect....)
Around 9.45am, there was an announcement over the condo's PA system from management. I couldn't be bothered to listen and assumed they were just announcing that there will be some fogging exercise at the basement as they normally would have during the weekdays. So I thought nothing of it and just continued on with my Family Guy marathon. Next thing I know the TV & air cond were switched off! (my Family Guy marathon! Hwaaa!) They shut down the electricity throughout the building! That was what they announced! Of course I wasn't just gonna stay at home and pack up without air conditioning. Panas, sis. Most of my clothes were packed up in the boxes and the ones that aren't haven't been ironed! Luckily, I had my clothes from yesterday still neatly hung in the closet (it didn't smell, I promise! LOL!) so I went next door with yesterday's outfit.
First thing I wanted to do was sit down somewhere where I could charge my phone. It was at less than 10% and I knew the mister would get agitated if I don't reply his texts on my whereabouts. I went to a few cafes but couldn't find one with sockets conveniently located close to the tables. I even contemplated getting a foot massage at Erawan, Avenue K so I could charge my phone there. Thank goodness I managed to slap some senses into myself. I must not splurge on random stuff that I don't even need! So I ended up tapau-ing some food at the food court (because I was so malas to queue at Nando's) and just eat at home.........with no air conditioning. I sound so spoilt! I went home to eat for a bit and then thought of catching Hidden Figures at the cinema as they had one playing at 1.45pm. Just as I was about to step out, the electricity got back on!!! So there was no need for Hidden Figures! I continued packing.........and then fell asleep! Good job, Liyana! Well...basically, I only managed to do one thing from my list today. Tomorrow will be a crazy one! Good luck to meeee!
Good night or good morning wherever you are <3
Monday, March 13, 2017
Moving
In just a few sleeps, we will be settled in our new home. My heart is filled with sadness and has been so for a while since we finally decided it was time to move out of our current home (CH). Today, we went over to the new home (NH) to oversee the touch ups that are being done before the move in date. I only saw flaws...but it was probably because my heart is still so attached to our CH.
I have been having some hard heart-to-heart talk with my heart! (HAHAHA) I have convinced her (my heart) that we will have a great time at the NH and will create many more wonderful memories there. I even tried to downplay our CH and reminded her how we have fallen down the stairs so many times (clumsy!!), the leaking that the landlord refused to get fixed since late December, it being too big and very hard to maintain, the glass railings exploding during our first year here, the late night noise almost every weekend from those leaving the clubs nearby who have made it a point to make loud noises even as late as 4am, the massive traffic on fridays.. but she reminded me of all the lovely things - it was just a few steps away from the mall, the security at the building is so tight yet friendly to tenants, the lovely receptionists, how easy it was to get last minute groceries.... but I think she is slowly getting the hang of loving the NH. We have a designated area for praying, the dining area is separated from the living area so it will be easier to host dinners (if rajin, lol!) & we will be closer to some of our colleagues who are staying at the building next to us.
Moving is always hard but I guess in our line of work, it is always expected to be ready to move (but normally requires moving countries). To make things easier, we have come up with our packing lists and labels. I'd like to think that we have gotten better throughout the years..or at least Rafie has! He is such a neat freak! He has folded all his clothes nicely before packing them into boxes while I on the other hand, "try" to fold mine before dumping them in. This would actually be the perfect time to declutter, set aside all the clothes that we no longer wear and sell / donate them...but I guess we don't have much time before the move. Perhaps after? I keep reminding myself that I still need to declutter and I have actually written it down so many times in all three of my planners. I seriously need to get around and do it once we have settled down in the NH, in shaa Allah.
On another note, I am looking forward to do a little bit of "gardening". Ibu and I have been talking about it and I am so excited from all the photos she has sent. It will be a form of therapy for me I guess. Allah knows how I need the therapy. One of the ladies here also have been sharing her gardening project. I am so amazed with all her healthy plants and how she has gotten her children involved as well with planting them. I can imagine all the greens on the balcony already! I will try my best to keep them alive! Try! Haha!
Okay, signing off for now! Good night or good morning wherever you are <3
I have been having some hard heart-to-heart talk with my heart! (HAHAHA) I have convinced her (my heart) that we will have a great time at the NH and will create many more wonderful memories there. I even tried to downplay our CH and reminded her how we have fallen down the stairs so many times (clumsy!!), the leaking that the landlord refused to get fixed since late December, it being too big and very hard to maintain, the glass railings exploding during our first year here, the late night noise almost every weekend from those leaving the clubs nearby who have made it a point to make loud noises even as late as 4am, the massive traffic on fridays.. but she reminded me of all the lovely things - it was just a few steps away from the mall, the security at the building is so tight yet friendly to tenants, the lovely receptionists, how easy it was to get last minute groceries.... but I think she is slowly getting the hang of loving the NH. We have a designated area for praying, the dining area is separated from the living area so it will be easier to host dinners (if rajin, lol!) & we will be closer to some of our colleagues who are staying at the building next to us.
Moving is always hard but I guess in our line of work, it is always expected to be ready to move (but normally requires moving countries). To make things easier, we have come up with our packing lists and labels. I'd like to think that we have gotten better throughout the years..or at least Rafie has! He is such a neat freak! He has folded all his clothes nicely before packing them into boxes while I on the other hand, "try" to fold mine before dumping them in. This would actually be the perfect time to declutter, set aside all the clothes that we no longer wear and sell / donate them...but I guess we don't have much time before the move. Perhaps after? I keep reminding myself that I still need to declutter and I have actually written it down so many times in all three of my planners. I seriously need to get around and do it once we have settled down in the NH, in shaa Allah.
On another note, I am looking forward to do a little bit of "gardening". Ibu and I have been talking about it and I am so excited from all the photos she has sent. It will be a form of therapy for me I guess. Allah knows how I need the therapy. One of the ladies here also have been sharing her gardening project. I am so amazed with all her healthy plants and how she has gotten her children involved as well with planting them. I can imagine all the greens on the balcony already! I will try my best to keep them alive! Try! Haha!
Okay, signing off for now! Good night or good morning wherever you are <3
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Random babbling
About a year ago, I started seeing an oncologist for something that I had at that time and began to get regular blood transfusions. I hated it whenever I had to come back for the transfusions as I would get nauseated after and that feeling doesn't normally go away till the next day. Often times I go alone as I didn't want to pull my husband from his work and I got pretty used to it. Reviews, MRIs, transfusions, blood tests, EEGs, seizure treatments at the neurologist, therapists.. these are just some of those that I got used to doing alone. Of course the mister would come if he knows I am not too well to go on my own or if anything requires me getting admitted, but other than that, I felt I could do it on my own. Syukur Alhamdulillah.
I would break down easily and would always feel that no one else knew what I was going through.. I got mad at everyone. I got mad seeing my healthy friends. I got mad at my doctors. If any of you were in my way, I would probably have gotten mad at you too. I was a mess on the inside.. but no one knew. I was on several anti depressants and anxiety medications. I got tired easily. But then one day while waiting to get picked up, I was sitting down at the oncology ward, there was a kid (probably 5, 6 or 7 years old) with his very kind helper who was just a few steps away from me. I overheard the doctor asking him how he was doing and he just smiled. I still remember what his helper said "still the same, he is tired, too many needles everyday" but the kid just smiled.. He didn't complain. It hit me so hard. It took me a while to digest that lesson that I saw right in front of me.. so after that, whenever I feel that I can't do it or want to break down, I remind myself that there are those who have it worse. Sometimes this made me feel better, but sometimes, I still felt so lost.
Looking back, I just want to give my past self a huge hug and tell her that everything will all be alright.. things do get better. All I ever needed was a hug and reassurance.. I never got that at that time.. but maybe because people around me didn't know what to say or do when I was around. Even at home I couldn't talk about it, afraid that it would make others feel uncomfortable, trust me.. they do..so I chose to just keep it all in. Alhamdulillah, a year after that, when I got much better, I finally chose to open up about it to one of my best friends. I told her about how I felt, what I went through, what I wished people have told me and what I wish I could have told people without making everyone uncomfortable. I was so happy that she had let me talk. Forget psychiatrists.. A best friend is sometimes all you need. Thank you, you know who you are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with something else and I remind myself, to not keep it all in this time, but at the same time, to not look at it as a form of punishment from Allah nor is it a reason to punish people. I try my best to have a positive outlook on life, do things I love, spend more time with people I care about, walk away from situations that will lead to any negativity and buy the things that make me happy. This last point actually sometimes becomes a topic of discussion by some people here and there, who tend make a big issue out of my purchases (mostly on the dUCkscarves that I collect) and at times, rudely points it out so, as if they are the ones paying for them. Some even says how they feel sorry for my husband, not knowing that I pay for my own stuff almost all the time. LOL. Okay, enough negativity.. Wooohsaaaa..
Ending this post on a positive note.. Whatever you are going through right now, be it good or bad, all comes from Allah so you can be at peace knowing that Allah will never put you in a situation that He knows you can't handle.
Good night or good morning, wherever you are <3
I would break down easily and would always feel that no one else knew what I was going through.. I got mad at everyone. I got mad seeing my healthy friends. I got mad at my doctors. If any of you were in my way, I would probably have gotten mad at you too. I was a mess on the inside.. but no one knew. I was on several anti depressants and anxiety medications. I got tired easily. But then one day while waiting to get picked up, I was sitting down at the oncology ward, there was a kid (probably 5, 6 or 7 years old) with his very kind helper who was just a few steps away from me. I overheard the doctor asking him how he was doing and he just smiled. I still remember what his helper said "still the same, he is tired, too many needles everyday" but the kid just smiled.. He didn't complain. It hit me so hard. It took me a while to digest that lesson that I saw right in front of me.. so after that, whenever I feel that I can't do it or want to break down, I remind myself that there are those who have it worse. Sometimes this made me feel better, but sometimes, I still felt so lost.
Looking back, I just want to give my past self a huge hug and tell her that everything will all be alright.. things do get better. All I ever needed was a hug and reassurance.. I never got that at that time.. but maybe because people around me didn't know what to say or do when I was around. Even at home I couldn't talk about it, afraid that it would make others feel uncomfortable, trust me.. they do..so I chose to just keep it all in. Alhamdulillah, a year after that, when I got much better, I finally chose to open up about it to one of my best friends. I told her about how I felt, what I went through, what I wished people have told me and what I wish I could have told people without making everyone uncomfortable. I was so happy that she had let me talk. Forget psychiatrists.. A best friend is sometimes all you need. Thank you, you know who you are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with something else and I remind myself, to not keep it all in this time, but at the same time, to not look at it as a form of punishment from Allah nor is it a reason to punish people. I try my best to have a positive outlook on life, do things I love, spend more time with people I care about, walk away from situations that will lead to any negativity and buy the things that make me happy. This last point actually sometimes becomes a topic of discussion by some people here and there, who tend make a big issue out of my purchases (mostly on the dUCkscarves that I collect) and at times, rudely points it out so, as if they are the ones paying for them. Some even says how they feel sorry for my husband, not knowing that I pay for my own stuff almost all the time. LOL. Okay, enough negativity.. Wooohsaaaa..
Ending this post on a positive note.. Whatever you are going through right now, be it good or bad, all comes from Allah so you can be at peace knowing that Allah will never put you in a situation that He knows you can't handle.
Good night or good morning, wherever you are <3
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