........"I heard she feigned her sickness so she could get out of work."
"She's friends with certain people so she can manipulate them to get what she wants."
"Oh.. I heard she's barren."
"Oh, yes I know her. She tries so hard to be liked."
"I heard her husband cheated on her, poor girl"
"Yeap, I heard she flirts with married men."
"I heard she was admitted to a mental ward while she was in KL"
....just a few "versions" of me that actually reached me.
I have learnt to just accept the fact that everyone's entitled to their own opinions and versions of everyone....but the things you hear are just plain ridiculous. Just to set the record straight, none of the above are true..... and for the record, just because one sees a psychiatrist, it does not mean one was in a 'mental ward'. Come on guys... it's time to fight the stigma that's associated to mental health.
There's also this inappropriate belief that if one does not have children after years of marriage, one must be labelled as 'barren'. There's many factors to infertility, and in the age of internet, it is so easy to look up these factors. Plus, just because one is childless, it does not mean that one's husband/wife will stray. There is such thing as loyalty, (yeap! even at this day and age. I know! *gasp*) There is also a thing called being 'faithful'. You know.....the opposite of what that Rihanna's song is about.
You are entitled to believe whatever you wish to, but be smart. Ask. Assess. Then, should you still hear random versions of me, please DON'T tell me. =P
Goodnight or good morning wherever you are <3
Saturday, November 2, 2019
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Thank you =)
I have been bruised and beaten on the inside for so long that I had no idea that I actually looked the part too on the outside. It has recently been pointed out by a few family and friends that I look different now, apparently brighter, more cheerful.. (Rafie will soooo have me thank him for making me wear red lipstick more =P) ..but yes, I do feel brighter.
Those close to me constantly remind me to block out all negativity and focus on the present, but sometimes I just couldn't get over the fact that some around me could believe all the rumours told previously until I came across this :
....and it really resonates with me.
So I try.. have been trying to not let people's assumptions of me get to me. Life's hard enough without having to worry about what everyone else say or think of you.
I think with the new way of thinking plus all the positivity from the wonderful people around me, I have managed to tone down on all the sadness, anger and basically all the negativity. So much so that those around me have started to notice it just by looking at my face. I smile more nowadays. I have stopped putting myself down. I laugh harder. Genuine laughters. I take part in conversations. I listen. I dance to random music.
So, thank you. Thank you to each and everyone of you who have my days a lot more brighter. Thank you for not giving up on me =)
Goodnight or good morning wherever you are <3
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Life is funny.
....it really is, isn't it? I received a phone call from an old friend today while at work, someone whom I have not spoken to over a year. We stopped talking over a silly misunderstanding and I guess neither of us were willing to drop our ego to actually ask "what's going on?". Imagine the laughter/confusion we had when we finally talked it out when my friend called me back this evening and we figured out how that misunderstanding happened. (Am glad someone managed to drop one's ego and made the call =P thank you for reading my blog and for your concern with my health.)
Goodnight or good morning wherever you are <3
Just goes to show that some people likes to cause a stir in other people's lives.. I just don't get it. I can't see the purpose of such things. Most recently as well, I found out old rumours about someone I care for are still spreading and it just breaks me. How do people have the time to come up with such lies and the time to actually spread it? I barely have enough time to put on my 10 minute facial masks (that I hoard and promised myself will put on at least once a week when I bought the packs. hoarder)!
I honestly can't fathom why some people are highly invested in knowing what is going on with other people's lives... to the point that facts are manipulated so the "stories" to be told to others are more interesting. When many people struggle with mental health issues nowadays, people should be treating others much nicer and be less of a bully. I say bully because spreading rumors hurts. Words hurt too. Although they can't be seen, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Everyone should really start to mind their own business and just reflect on their own words and actions. Be kinder. The world needs more kind people.
Goodnight or good morning wherever you are <3
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Hello, 2019
...or rather (almost) bye, 2019! Almost a year since I have written in here.
I started work on 2nd January this year, and I can safely say, it has been better than I expected. Ofcourse, there's the occasional disappointments and the thing that I feared most (my history in KL) is rather part of a permanent record which sorta affects my current work, but it's okay.
لاحول ولا قوة إلا بالله العلي العظيم
“There is neither might nor power except with Allah”
It took a while to adjust myself at work but slowly I got the hang of it. From my first month back at work, I was surrounded by awesome colleagues who made me look forward to going to work every day (I hope you're reading this, bbg!). It reminded me of how I was at work in 2008-2009 before I left for DC... before all the pain. It reminded me why I loved working.
We also had our first full Ramadhan in Brunei this year after being away for a few years. I love that we get to do tarawih with both sets of parents (on different occasions). I love that we get to break fast with family members and friends. First day of Raya was spent with both sides of the families, Alhamdulillah.
On the second day of Hari Raya and the day before my birthday, we lost Archie and Snowball. Some bad people broke into our home and stole them and their carriers. The police came over to look at the scene and no idea what else they did to investigate. Our hearts were broken..still are. Archie and Snowball are our babies that we have raised since they were born... Archie and Snowball are both Bella's babies... our babies... We pray that wherever they are, they are safe and cared for and we pray that whoever stole them will get what they deserve.. Aaamiiin ya Rabbal alamin.. It has been a tough time for R and I but we are so blessed to have family members who have been there for us since that day. We believe Allah SWT has something in store for us, in shaa Allah, something much better...
I was reading through my old entries and I realised that I had so much anger in me. I have tried my best to slowly become a calmer person (tried, okay! hahaha) but I guess sometimes I do fall off the wagon. However, I love seeing my progress. I learn to accept my flaws. When previously, I hated alot about myself, now I learn to embrace it. I have learnt to like the sound of my own voice... oh how annoyed I used to be with it. I think even R notices how I am happier now. Nothing to do with anti depressants or any other medications (have stopped taking anti depressants as of June 2018, Alhamdulillah, and no longer need it according to my psychiatrist).
We are now less than 3 months away from 2020 and I am looking forward to see what it has in store for me. I can only pray that there are many positives that will outweigh the negatives. Aaamiiin.
Goodnight or good morning wherever you are =)
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Leaving.
YIKES.
We are officially heading back home in 40 days! FORTY DAYS! The cats will be leaving KL in 20 days and I am so sad that we will be spending almost one month apart from them. We have so much packing left to do and so many people to see before we leave. I am so grateful that I have made many friends throughout the years we have been in KL. The past few days have been spent just going out for lunches with friends from ALC, friends I have met through dUCk and one friend I have the privilege of meeting at the oncology ward few years ago.
It all just seems so surreal. KL has been home to us for almost 5 years. There has been many ups and downs but, we have come out stronger... in shaa Allah.
When we first set foot in KL in February 2014, I was a working woman. Months later, I would have my first heartbreak in KL when I was told to take leave instead and then replaced by someone who in the end took much more time off for being sick (fine, she had two surgeries in KL instead of my one surgery) as well.
I got asked by a colleague back at HQ why we mentioned I was certified fit for work in 2014 but yet had to undergo surgery less than two months later. At that time, I was slowly recovering after undergoing treatments, everything was going well and my recently diagnosed (at that time) anxiety was treatable.. but then I got word from another colleague that they were sending a replacement, I blacked out. It was unfortunate that I blacked out while walking near the edge of the bed as my head actually hit the edge before I hit the floor. The husband rushed me to the hospital and after a CT scan/MRI, my neurologist referred me to a neurosurgeon as they found that one of the cavernomas had bled. So the surgery was necessary. At that time, we were so angry and blamed everyone. It was only much later that I accepted my fate. I was reminded that everything was written long before we were born and therefore, I had to accept it. From then on, my husband and I decided that for most of my hospital sessions, we would try our best to just cover them ourselves so that the office would not have access to the records to use it against me later on while I try to recover.
Early 2015, I had another miscarriage which was eventually a blessing (I can only say this now as it was one of the worst period of my life at that time) because I was then referred to a specialist in Tawakkal who told me I had cysts in my ovaries which was treatable, but if left untreated could grow and grow. I wouldn't have known that the cysts were there if I hadn't had that miscarriage. So I consider it a blessing in disguise.
With the ongoing treatments with the neurologist, I was told to forego any plans of conceiving as in 2016, I had problems with my bloodwork which made them refer to the oncologist. I have never even heard of oncology prior to being referred there. I didn't have cancer. Just that my bloodwork was "messy". I had to go through a form of chemotherapy. I only learnt that chemotherapy was not just for cancer patients. I had a total of three sessions of the therapy from which I would normally just get sick for many days after. I learnt to be independent. Although sometimes I wish that I could bring my husband to accompany me, but I know he has much work to do... so alone I go and sit through it. I hated it. But Alhamdulillah, my bloodwork got so much better at the end of the third session.
In 2017, I started going out more. I attended social events. I was more comfortable talking to people. I managed to tame my anxiety. I started letting go of people who were toxic to me. I began taking care of myself. I attempted to go on a journey towards minimalism. Key word = attempted. LOLs.
2018 is tough. I lost my grandfather... and I wasn't home when he passed. But I was at peace knowing he was no longer in pain. I dreamt of him. A younger him, smiling. I knew he was at peace. And I felt better. We also tried adopting a baby. After being invested in it (buying clothes, a deposit for a baby crib and not counting the fact that I was already in love with the unborn baby), few weeks before the baby was born, the parents cancelled. Another heartbreak.
But we will be saying goodbye to 2018 in 40 DAYS!
So to recap,
One miscarriage,
One gamma knife surgery,
Three radiation therapies,
Depression and Anxiety
Twenty-five neuro rehabilitation sessions,
One failed adoption process..
But then, there's the countless friendships made. So there's somewhat of a balance.
Bring it on 2019!
We are officially heading back home in 40 days! FORTY DAYS! The cats will be leaving KL in 20 days and I am so sad that we will be spending almost one month apart from them. We have so much packing left to do and so many people to see before we leave. I am so grateful that I have made many friends throughout the years we have been in KL. The past few days have been spent just going out for lunches with friends from ALC, friends I have met through dUCk and one friend I have the privilege of meeting at the oncology ward few years ago.
It all just seems so surreal. KL has been home to us for almost 5 years. There has been many ups and downs but, we have come out stronger... in shaa Allah.
When we first set foot in KL in February 2014, I was a working woman. Months later, I would have my first heartbreak in KL when I was told to take leave instead and then replaced by someone who in the end took much more time off for being sick (fine, she had two surgeries in KL instead of my one surgery) as well.
I got asked by a colleague back at HQ why we mentioned I was certified fit for work in 2014 but yet had to undergo surgery less than two months later. At that time, I was slowly recovering after undergoing treatments, everything was going well and my recently diagnosed (at that time) anxiety was treatable.. but then I got word from another colleague that they were sending a replacement, I blacked out. It was unfortunate that I blacked out while walking near the edge of the bed as my head actually hit the edge before I hit the floor. The husband rushed me to the hospital and after a CT scan/MRI, my neurologist referred me to a neurosurgeon as they found that one of the cavernomas had bled. So the surgery was necessary. At that time, we were so angry and blamed everyone. It was only much later that I accepted my fate. I was reminded that everything was written long before we were born and therefore, I had to accept it. From then on, my husband and I decided that for most of my hospital sessions, we would try our best to just cover them ourselves so that the office would not have access to the records to use it against me later on while I try to recover.
Early 2015, I had another miscarriage which was eventually a blessing (I can only say this now as it was one of the worst period of my life at that time) because I was then referred to a specialist in Tawakkal who told me I had cysts in my ovaries which was treatable, but if left untreated could grow and grow. I wouldn't have known that the cysts were there if I hadn't had that miscarriage. So I consider it a blessing in disguise.
With the ongoing treatments with the neurologist, I was told to forego any plans of conceiving as in 2016, I had problems with my bloodwork which made them refer to the oncologist. I have never even heard of oncology prior to being referred there. I didn't have cancer. Just that my bloodwork was "messy". I had to go through a form of chemotherapy. I only learnt that chemotherapy was not just for cancer patients. I had a total of three sessions of the therapy from which I would normally just get sick for many days after. I learnt to be independent. Although sometimes I wish that I could bring my husband to accompany me, but I know he has much work to do... so alone I go and sit through it. I hated it. But Alhamdulillah, my bloodwork got so much better at the end of the third session.
In 2017, I started going out more. I attended social events. I was more comfortable talking to people. I managed to tame my anxiety. I started letting go of people who were toxic to me. I began taking care of myself. I attempted to go on a journey towards minimalism. Key word = attempted. LOLs.
2018 is tough. I lost my grandfather... and I wasn't home when he passed. But I was at peace knowing he was no longer in pain. I dreamt of him. A younger him, smiling. I knew he was at peace. And I felt better. We also tried adopting a baby. After being invested in it (buying clothes, a deposit for a baby crib and not counting the fact that I was already in love with the unborn baby), few weeks before the baby was born, the parents cancelled. Another heartbreak.
But we will be saying goodbye to 2018 in 40 DAYS!
So to recap,
One miscarriage,
One gamma knife surgery,
Three radiation therapies,
Depression and Anxiety
Twenty-five neuro rehabilitation sessions,
One failed adoption process..
But then, there's the countless friendships made. So there's somewhat of a balance.
Bring it on 2019!
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Time Out.
I managed to take about a month break from social media and I felt great!
The first few days of my social media detox, I can't lie.. I was discontented. "What if my friends don't know what I'm eating?" "No one will know that I went to the gym today" "What if I am depriving my friends from seeing photos of my cats?" "Who will see all my artistic photos of my rose latte?" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
I survived. I know. How strong. =P
Before I went on the detox, I informed my family and bestfriends that I won't be on facebook and instagram. *queue gasp* But thank goodness for whatsapp. I could reach everyone through there instead. Whatsapp's not social media right? As I type this, I could imagine all the eye rolls from anyone attempting to read this crap. Big deal, Liyana. You're making a whole blog post about one month of not posting your usual crap on social media.
But, in all seriousness.. I quite enjoyed it. I managed to take my time to finish my last 2 neuro rehabilitation sessions. Alhamdulillah. 25 sessions since 2014. I have never felt better. I look back on my first session there and I remember at that time, I could not for the life of me figure out how the sessions would help me in any way. I dreaded going. I get asked by friends sometimes what I do during the sessions. Some sessions, it is just about balancing my body through movements, while some sessions it's just some sessions on the treadmill followed by monitoring how I walk after. Since I used to faint alot and with the surgery and all, it was compulsory to undergo these sessions. I only had 5 primary sessions but after the 5 sessions, I started to see how it helped me and ended up paying for 20 additional sessions out of my own pocket. There were some sessions that included seeing the psychiatrist. I loved mine. Dr Hamidah (she even has the same name as my Ibu! =P) is great! I always feel like I achieved something after each session with her. She has helped me through my depression and anxiety. What I love about her is that she always reminds me of the Islamic aspects of everything at the same time. She reminds me that mental health is nothing to embarassed about and that it shouldn't be a taboo to speak of it. I have always felt that when I talk about my depression, people will judge me and will point out that I have weak iman or that maybe I have not been praying enough.. but Dr Hamidah, she encourages me to talk about it. She encourages me to open up to my loved ones about it... and I did. Alhamdulillah, my parents were very open about it when I first told them about how I was diagnosed with depression and they didn't judge me as I thought they would. One giant leap.
Anyway, I digress! As usual. =P
One of the reasons why I went on the detox was that whenever I see photos of babies, I get so upset. Sometimes without warning, tears would flow out after seeing photos of my friends and their children... and it's no one's fault... Another reason was that I was also envious seeing photos of my friends hanging out, without me. I felt left out. Ofcourse I couldn't hang with them as I am all the way here in KL and they're home in Brunei.. but again.. there's that feeling. Oh.. and then there's all the onlineshops! Hahahaha.
So, I took time out. One week into the detox, I was agitated. Two weeks in, okay lah... can lah..
I went to the gym a few times a week while narrowly escaping the personal trainer every single time. Sorry, Lukman. Nothing against you. I just hate that one hour I have with you. Hahahahaha.
I would sit down at dotty's and enjoy my rose latte (so bougie =P) and sometimes if I feel like I deserve it, I'd order the turkey slice too. Soooo goooood.
During the last few days of the detox, I thought about how I'd be going back to work and I got excited. I made a list of what to get before heading back to work. I don't know how everyone at HQ will be. I've heard all the rumors about me through colleagues and to be honest, I am so nervous. Some people back home have mentioned about how I tried to get out of work and made up my sickness. To them, I shall say..... "no one in their right mind would purposely fall flat face to the ground so many times to skip work. To be poked and prodded by needles all the time. Having to stay at the hospital countless days while I could sleep at the comfort of my own bed each night. Go through major surgery as well, JUST TO SKIP 8-9 HOURS OF DAILY WORK." My Ibu always reminds me that the truth will always prevail and that everyone else who were involved in the rumors will one day get what they deserve... even those who knew the truths but chose to remain quiet.
Whoah. Again, I digress. HAHAHAHHAA.
Liyana needs to go on a further detox I think.
Till then, goodnight or good morning wherever you are =)
The first few days of my social media detox, I can't lie.. I was discontented. "What if my friends don't know what I'm eating?" "No one will know that I went to the gym today" "What if I am depriving my friends from seeing photos of my cats?" "Who will see all my artistic photos of my rose latte?" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
I survived. I know. How strong. =P
Before I went on the detox, I informed my family and bestfriends that I won't be on facebook and instagram. *queue gasp* But thank goodness for whatsapp. I could reach everyone through there instead. Whatsapp's not social media right? As I type this, I could imagine all the eye rolls from anyone attempting to read this crap. Big deal, Liyana. You're making a whole blog post about one month of not posting your usual crap on social media.
But, in all seriousness.. I quite enjoyed it. I managed to take my time to finish my last 2 neuro rehabilitation sessions. Alhamdulillah. 25 sessions since 2014. I have never felt better. I look back on my first session there and I remember at that time, I could not for the life of me figure out how the sessions would help me in any way. I dreaded going. I get asked by friends sometimes what I do during the sessions. Some sessions, it is just about balancing my body through movements, while some sessions it's just some sessions on the treadmill followed by monitoring how I walk after. Since I used to faint alot and with the surgery and all, it was compulsory to undergo these sessions. I only had 5 primary sessions but after the 5 sessions, I started to see how it helped me and ended up paying for 20 additional sessions out of my own pocket. There were some sessions that included seeing the psychiatrist. I loved mine. Dr Hamidah (she even has the same name as my Ibu! =P) is great! I always feel like I achieved something after each session with her. She has helped me through my depression and anxiety. What I love about her is that she always reminds me of the Islamic aspects of everything at the same time. She reminds me that mental health is nothing to embarassed about and that it shouldn't be a taboo to speak of it. I have always felt that when I talk about my depression, people will judge me and will point out that I have weak iman or that maybe I have not been praying enough.. but Dr Hamidah, she encourages me to talk about it. She encourages me to open up to my loved ones about it... and I did. Alhamdulillah, my parents were very open about it when I first told them about how I was diagnosed with depression and they didn't judge me as I thought they would. One giant leap.
Anyway, I digress! As usual. =P
One of the reasons why I went on the detox was that whenever I see photos of babies, I get so upset. Sometimes without warning, tears would flow out after seeing photos of my friends and their children... and it's no one's fault... Another reason was that I was also envious seeing photos of my friends hanging out, without me. I felt left out. Ofcourse I couldn't hang with them as I am all the way here in KL and they're home in Brunei.. but again.. there's that feeling. Oh.. and then there's all the onlineshops! Hahahaha.
So, I took time out. One week into the detox, I was agitated. Two weeks in, okay lah... can lah..
I went to the gym a few times a week while narrowly escaping the personal trainer every single time. Sorry, Lukman. Nothing against you. I just hate that one hour I have with you. Hahahahaha.
I would sit down at dotty's and enjoy my rose latte (so bougie =P) and sometimes if I feel like I deserve it, I'd order the turkey slice too. Soooo goooood.
During the last few days of the detox, I thought about how I'd be going back to work and I got excited. I made a list of what to get before heading back to work. I don't know how everyone at HQ will be. I've heard all the rumors about me through colleagues and to be honest, I am so nervous. Some people back home have mentioned about how I tried to get out of work and made up my sickness. To them, I shall say..... "no one in their right mind would purposely fall flat face to the ground so many times to skip work. To be poked and prodded by needles all the time. Having to stay at the hospital countless days while I could sleep at the comfort of my own bed each night. Go through major surgery as well, JUST TO SKIP 8-9 HOURS OF DAILY WORK." My Ibu always reminds me that the truth will always prevail and that everyone else who were involved in the rumors will one day get what they deserve... even those who knew the truths but chose to remain quiet.
Whoah. Again, I digress. HAHAHAHHAA.
Liyana needs to go on a further detox I think.
Till then, goodnight or good morning wherever you are =)
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
My Nini.
*Inserts cliche about how time flies here*
More than half a year since I actually posted something in here and so much has happened. I wish that everything was just rosy, fine and dandy.. but that's not how life works. If everything was perfect, then there is really nothing to look forward to in the Hereafter.
We lost my nini laki this year. It took me a long time to fully grasp the fact that he was gone. I was not by his side when he took his last breath. I was stuck in KL, as I had work obligation the day before he left. I was scheduled to fly the day after... I looked forward to kissing his cheeks, to hug him, to see him make his silly faces.. the Wednesday before (two days before he passed away), I dreamt I was with him - he looked much younger with a full head of black hair. In the dream, we were at my parents' place and I was by the window, looking outside and I could see the ground was covered with a blanket of beautiful snow.. snow! in Brunei! I looked to nini and he just smiled. Then I woke up.. I told ibu about it and she told me it's time to come back home.. I wanted to go home so badly but I had some obligations to attend to here... Throughout the event, I kept checking my phone and got so anxious whenever I see a missed call - fearing the worst.
On Friday, 30th March, I woke up to so many calls from Ibu... and I knew. I knew. Rafie took control of everything, bought tickets for us to fly the next morning, instead of my scheduled evening flight. I spent the whole night just thinking of all the last words I could have said to him, the missed hugs.. I sat in the living room alone just trying to imagine him holding me and comforting me.
When we arrived home the next day, babah and ibu picked us up from the airport and took us to breakfast. They comforted me and told me how my nini went peacefully and in no pain. His last words to his caretaker (someone the family hired to take care of nini during the day when babah or his siblings are at work), was to pack up his things because the doctor told them that he will be discharged the same day. Little did he know, or maybe he did, that he was going back home for good, home to his Creator. Babah and ibu told me so many people came to see him off at the masjid. Alhamdulillah. I felt at peace knowing so many loved ones came to perform solat jenazah.
Later on during the day, we went off to KB so Rafie & I could visit nini's grave. I was holding back tears just looking at the freshly covered grave. We had tahlil and doa arwah before we said goodbye to him.
He was a good man. Was. It still hurts to refer to him in the past tense.. Nini was the type of person who would do anything for his family. Whenever babah was away for work, especially when babah was posted to Jeddah, nini would live with my family in Rimba and help look after everyone. I remember many years ago when I took up a part time job before deciding to continue my further studies, nini would be the one to send me off to work and pick me up.. sometimes, he would even pick me up during lunch time and then send me back after. Technically he had to leave home 4 times to pick up and drop off. I think he grew tired of driving me so he forced me to finally take up my driver's license - he even paid for everything! =P I only ended up getting my driver's licence the following year after he kept asking and then finally making my parents force me to take it. He told me I should be independent and so I tried.
My heart still hurts but I know in shaa Allah, I will see him again. Till then, I will continue to keep him in my prayers and pray for that sweet reunion.
More than half a year since I actually posted something in here and so much has happened. I wish that everything was just rosy, fine and dandy.. but that's not how life works. If everything was perfect, then there is really nothing to look forward to in the Hereafter.
We lost my nini laki this year. It took me a long time to fully grasp the fact that he was gone. I was not by his side when he took his last breath. I was stuck in KL, as I had work obligation the day before he left. I was scheduled to fly the day after... I looked forward to kissing his cheeks, to hug him, to see him make his silly faces.. the Wednesday before (two days before he passed away), I dreamt I was with him - he looked much younger with a full head of black hair. In the dream, we were at my parents' place and I was by the window, looking outside and I could see the ground was covered with a blanket of beautiful snow.. snow! in Brunei! I looked to nini and he just smiled. Then I woke up.. I told ibu about it and she told me it's time to come back home.. I wanted to go home so badly but I had some obligations to attend to here... Throughout the event, I kept checking my phone and got so anxious whenever I see a missed call - fearing the worst.
On Friday, 30th March, I woke up to so many calls from Ibu... and I knew. I knew. Rafie took control of everything, bought tickets for us to fly the next morning, instead of my scheduled evening flight. I spent the whole night just thinking of all the last words I could have said to him, the missed hugs.. I sat in the living room alone just trying to imagine him holding me and comforting me.
When we arrived home the next day, babah and ibu picked us up from the airport and took us to breakfast. They comforted me and told me how my nini went peacefully and in no pain. His last words to his caretaker (someone the family hired to take care of nini during the day when babah or his siblings are at work), was to pack up his things because the doctor told them that he will be discharged the same day. Little did he know, or maybe he did, that he was going back home for good, home to his Creator. Babah and ibu told me so many people came to see him off at the masjid. Alhamdulillah. I felt at peace knowing so many loved ones came to perform solat jenazah.
Later on during the day, we went off to KB so Rafie & I could visit nini's grave. I was holding back tears just looking at the freshly covered grave. We had tahlil and doa arwah before we said goodbye to him.
He was a good man. Was. It still hurts to refer to him in the past tense.. Nini was the type of person who would do anything for his family. Whenever babah was away for work, especially when babah was posted to Jeddah, nini would live with my family in Rimba and help look after everyone. I remember many years ago when I took up a part time job before deciding to continue my further studies, nini would be the one to send me off to work and pick me up.. sometimes, he would even pick me up during lunch time and then send me back after. Technically he had to leave home 4 times to pick up and drop off. I think he grew tired of driving me so he forced me to finally take up my driver's license - he even paid for everything! =P I only ended up getting my driver's licence the following year after he kept asking and then finally making my parents force me to take it. He told me I should be independent and so I tried.
My heart still hurts but I know in shaa Allah, I will see him again. Till then, I will continue to keep him in my prayers and pray for that sweet reunion.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Noone to talk to? Talk to Him.
There are times when you wish you can just reach out to someone and let all your worries, fears, doubts go away and often times the people around you who are within reach physically are somehow not emotionally and mentally within reach. Not everyone will want to make the effort, simply because they do not want to get tangled up with anything they deem uncomfortable. You can't blame them.. Not everyone has empathy and not everyone can sympathize with your plight. Some people will shut you out and will only focus on what matters to them no matter how much you try and let your feelings known. People will turn you away.. but Allah SWT will not.
Prayer can change everything. Work on your relationship with Allah and Allah will fix your affairs. Trust in Him.
People will disappoint you... even those you love and who you would give up anything for.. but Allah SWT will not. Allah SWT will test you, but no tests will go unrewarded.
So be patient.. For even if you are not rewarded in this life, in shaa Allah you will be rewarded in the Hereafter. In shaa Allah.. Aamiin ya Rabbal alamin.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Finding Li
Have you ever felt so lost that you think that you won't be able to find your own way back? And to make matters worse, it was you yourself who wandered around into the darkness, wanting to hide in the first place. I believe everyone, at some point in time wishes that they could just hide - we all need to hide sometimes... just crawl into our mind, that very private space and just be alone with our thoughts. Some may choose to stay, while some waited to be found by anyone who wanted to find us. I came across this quote online by D.W Winnicott -"It is a joy to be hidden and disaster not to be found." (I actually typed this paragraph almost two weeks ago but didn't actually know how to continue it, till today).
Today, after some debate with myself (that probably lasted more than half an hour), I chose to go out and enjoy myself.. I chose to not be hidden. I chose to be found... or rather slowly find myself (my husband, after reading this draft joked about how my instagram handle is @liyanaishere and how the blog title is so contradicting. LOL)
I went to Avenue K and had breakfast alone at la juiceria, opted for the "nasi ayam". It took me a while to decide on whether I should have breakfast at The Loaf instead as it was just right across La juiceria. I could have had pasta at The Loaf. Mmmm... pasta.. But I reminded myself that I need to start my morning right. I actually enjoyed eating alone. I was in no hurry to go anywhere else so I took my time and just simply ate.
As I walked out and headed to klcc, I came across one of the regular buskers at the AK Buskers corner, who always plays soothing flute music that always reminds me of the rainforest, I don't know why. I chose to just stay and enjoy the music for a bit.
One of my favourite places to go to when I go out alone is Kinokuniya - I could spend hours in there just browsing and reading. I love the smell of books. I love looking at stationeries. Those who know me well enough know that I hoard notebooks, journals, coloured pens, post-it notes (yes...those too!) etc .... I need help. Really. While I was browsing through the health section. Laughs. The self help section was just on the opposite side.. "it doesn't hurt to look," I thought to myself. We all need help, don't we? Just infront of me was another book on minimalism with the title "goodbye, things". Hmmm.... Could this be the help I needed? With a little bit of satisfaction, I brought the book to the cashier. "see.. I will only walk out of this store with ONE book. My minimalism journey has begun.. oooh.. Archie!" *smacks forehead* so okay, I walked out with TWO items today. Good enough.
I decided to go to Uniqlo to check out the t-shirts.. Always in the hopes of finding that Jollibee t-shirt, but always walking out empty handed. Sigh. Tried my luck again today, but failed. Deep sigh. But what was most interesting about my visit to Uniqlo was when one Indian lady came up to me and said "You only smile outside, but not inside".. to which I awkwardly replied "Oh, okay thanks". I noticed her earlier before I set foot into Uniqlo as she was standing right outside with some paperbags at her feet. So I was surprised to see her, paperbags in tow. I pointed at the Airism area so to make it seem like I wanted to look at the Airism stuff and off I went to prevent it from getting more awkward. I got my phone out and text my husband and told him about how this random lady who told me to smile. He replied and said "you know how some people can read auras? What if she could see that you were sad on the inside?". I immediately went out to Uniqlo through the other exit and went to Isetan so I could try to absorb what the mister said. How random would it be if that was exactly what she was trying to say? Or rather she probably saw me looking so blurred while walking into Uniqlo while thinking of how to continue my 'minimalism journey' and get that Jollibee t-shirt at the same time. 😅
When I got home, all I could think of was what that lady said and I thought of how it probably could relate to what I have saved under drafts - the first paragraph. I realise that I am often not able to really show my real emotions and instead having to hide it behind smiles and laughter. Only few days ago at our reception at Hyatt, two of the locally engaged staffs (who are currently working at the High Comm and who I often get to meet at official events or whenever I visit the office) asked me how I was. One of them knew how I was at the hospital some time last week and asked me if I was already okay. I told them that everything is still the same - still the on and off pain, the hospital visits, the meds etc. So when kak Mahani (one of the LES) said "Cik Liyana, dari dulu dah kalau sakit tak pernah tunjukkan yang cik Liyana sakit. Selalu je tersenyum dan ketawa". I tried so hard not to cry as she and the other lady hugged me as I was on my way to JP Teres to grab some lunch after our rehearsals. I couldn't even bring myself to say thank you because I was too taken aback by their hugs and kind words. All I could say was that I was hungry and needed to go to JP Teres. 😔
I have always felt that if I open up to people (other than my mom, R and my brother) about how I really felt, the pain that comes and goes, everyone will find it awkward and not know how to be around me. What sucks is that on top of all that, I still struggle with anxiety and the occasional depression. I am quite the package huh? 😂 My husband is sooooo lucky. Hahahaha. On a serious note, he now encourages me to talk about how I feel, emotionally and physically.
But, today. Today. Today was actually not so bad. I am so happy I listened to myself and went out. The mister took me out to the park, after he got back home from work. We ran (well I mostly did a lot of brisk walking instead of running) 3 and a half rounds around the park. I felt so great! We ended the night by going to DOME for dinner. Hahaha. We talked about taking the whole eating healthy step seriously. We talked about going for yoga together. We talked about me doing more stuff that will help with my anxiety. I love him for always wanting what's best for me. Thank you. I know you'll be reading this.
Today, after some debate with myself (that probably lasted more than half an hour), I chose to go out and enjoy myself.. I chose to not be hidden. I chose to be found... or rather slowly find myself (my husband, after reading this draft joked about how my instagram handle is @liyanaishere and how the blog title is so contradicting. LOL)
I went to Avenue K and had breakfast alone at la juiceria, opted for the "nasi ayam". It took me a while to decide on whether I should have breakfast at The Loaf instead as it was just right across La juiceria. I could have had pasta at The Loaf. Mmmm... pasta.. But I reminded myself that I need to start my morning right. I actually enjoyed eating alone. I was in no hurry to go anywhere else so I took my time and just simply ate.
As I walked out and headed to klcc, I came across one of the regular buskers at the AK Buskers corner, who always plays soothing flute music that always reminds me of the rainforest, I don't know why. I chose to just stay and enjoy the music for a bit.
One of my favourite places to go to when I go out alone is Kinokuniya - I could spend hours in there just browsing and reading. I love the smell of books. I love looking at stationeries. Those who know me well enough know that I hoard notebooks, journals, coloured pens, post-it notes (yes...those too!) etc .... I need help. Really. While I was browsing through the health section. Laughs. The self help section was just on the opposite side.. "it doesn't hurt to look," I thought to myself. We all need help, don't we? Just infront of me was another book on minimalism with the title "goodbye, things". Hmmm.... Could this be the help I needed? With a little bit of satisfaction, I brought the book to the cashier. "see.. I will only walk out of this store with ONE book. My minimalism journey has begun.. oooh.. Archie!" *smacks forehead* so okay, I walked out with TWO items today. Good enough.
I decided to go to Uniqlo to check out the t-shirts.. Always in the hopes of finding that Jollibee t-shirt, but always walking out empty handed. Sigh. Tried my luck again today, but failed. Deep sigh. But what was most interesting about my visit to Uniqlo was when one Indian lady came up to me and said "You only smile outside, but not inside".. to which I awkwardly replied "Oh, okay thanks". I noticed her earlier before I set foot into Uniqlo as she was standing right outside with some paperbags at her feet. So I was surprised to see her, paperbags in tow. I pointed at the Airism area so to make it seem like I wanted to look at the Airism stuff and off I went to prevent it from getting more awkward. I got my phone out and text my husband and told him about how this random lady who told me to smile. He replied and said "you know how some people can read auras? What if she could see that you were sad on the inside?". I immediately went out to Uniqlo through the other exit and went to Isetan so I could try to absorb what the mister said. How random would it be if that was exactly what she was trying to say? Or rather she probably saw me looking so blurred while walking into Uniqlo while thinking of how to continue my 'minimalism journey' and get that Jollibee t-shirt at the same time. 😅
When I got home, all I could think of was what that lady said and I thought of how it probably could relate to what I have saved under drafts - the first paragraph. I realise that I am often not able to really show my real emotions and instead having to hide it behind smiles and laughter. Only few days ago at our reception at Hyatt, two of the locally engaged staffs (who are currently working at the High Comm and who I often get to meet at official events or whenever I visit the office) asked me how I was. One of them knew how I was at the hospital some time last week and asked me if I was already okay. I told them that everything is still the same - still the on and off pain, the hospital visits, the meds etc. So when kak Mahani (one of the LES) said "Cik Liyana, dari dulu dah kalau sakit tak pernah tunjukkan yang cik Liyana sakit. Selalu je tersenyum dan ketawa". I tried so hard not to cry as she and the other lady hugged me as I was on my way to JP Teres to grab some lunch after our rehearsals. I couldn't even bring myself to say thank you because I was too taken aback by their hugs and kind words. All I could say was that I was hungry and needed to go to JP Teres. 😔
I have always felt that if I open up to people (other than my mom, R and my brother) about how I really felt, the pain that comes and goes, everyone will find it awkward and not know how to be around me. What sucks is that on top of all that, I still struggle with anxiety and the occasional depression. I am quite the package huh? 😂 My husband is sooooo lucky. Hahahaha. On a serious note, he now encourages me to talk about how I feel, emotionally and physically.
But, today. Today. Today was actually not so bad. I am so happy I listened to myself and went out. The mister took me out to the park, after he got back home from work. We ran (well I mostly did a lot of brisk walking instead of running) 3 and a half rounds around the park. I felt so great! We ended the night by going to DOME for dinner. Hahaha. We talked about taking the whole eating healthy step seriously. We talked about going for yoga together. We talked about me doing more stuff that will help with my anxiety. I love him for always wanting what's best for me. Thank you. I know you'll be reading this.
Monday, October 2, 2017
One day at a time.
I am currently just sitting down in my mini home office and just pondering on what I have written sometime last month ago - the hiatus and think it's finally time to act on it. I have been so caught up with social media (instagram & facebook mostly) that sometimes I have to remind myself to put my phone down and just enjoy my day in the real world. As I mentioned in the post, I tend to question myself whenever I see everyone's posts on instagram - all the baby photos, friends' travels, etc.. Which is seriously such a terrible thing for me to do and would probably make me seem ungrateful for all His blessings. I need to also remind myself to just be in the moment, appreciate my surroundings and be constantly grateful that I have a supportive family who will always pull me out of my worries and anxiety.
Depression is an ugly thing. I do not want to get back to that state of mind and having to rely on medications, frequent changing of medications to suit what was best for me.. it was really tiring. It drained me. I do NOT want that. So I told R that it was time. It might sound like a small step, but to me (someone who checks her instagram first thing in the morning and last thing before dozing off at night)..........
I need to stay away from social media for a while. It does not help that dUCk keeps releasing new stuff every other day. LOL! Maybe this will help me actually save money...Bahahaha.. Okay, but seriously. Need to stay away.
A few weeks ago, the Bruneian ladies had a farewell lunch for ka Hjh Mas with some of our Indonesian sisters. One of the ladies offered to take us to yoga class. I was complaining about my frequent headaches, the constant pain every single time I wake up.. She said yoga might be able to help. So I told R of my intention to finally take up yoga. He was so supportive and started browsing online, looking for nearby classes and he found one just 5 mins away from us. We start this Sunday! Wish us luck! =P
I am also trying my best to cut down on my salt intake as I have been constantly told that it probably has contributed to my migraines. Red meat has also been pointed out. Ahh....... red meat. I have bought two books to sort of help me out with eating healthy - Living Gluten-Free for Dummies and The New Atkins workbook. If I could find the receipts for both books, it would probably tell you that both books were bought sometime last year... and they both are still in perfect condition - untouched! Hahaha. It's time to dust off the books and get serious (munches on the oreos that R left on the computer desk as I type this) 😜
But seriously. Yoga. Cutting down my salt intake. And red meat. Sigh. Slowly.
Depression is an ugly thing. I do not want to get back to that state of mind and having to rely on medications, frequent changing of medications to suit what was best for me.. it was really tiring. It drained me. I do NOT want that. So I told R that it was time. It might sound like a small step, but to me (someone who checks her instagram first thing in the morning and last thing before dozing off at night)..........
(because.. why not?) 😂
A few weeks ago, the Bruneian ladies had a farewell lunch for ka Hjh Mas with some of our Indonesian sisters. One of the ladies offered to take us to yoga class. I was complaining about my frequent headaches, the constant pain every single time I wake up.. She said yoga might be able to help. So I told R of my intention to finally take up yoga. He was so supportive and started browsing online, looking for nearby classes and he found one just 5 mins away from us. We start this Sunday! Wish us luck! =P
I am also trying my best to cut down on my salt intake as I have been constantly told that it probably has contributed to my migraines. Red meat has also been pointed out. Ahh....... red meat. I have bought two books to sort of help me out with eating healthy - Living Gluten-Free for Dummies and The New Atkins workbook. If I could find the receipts for both books, it would probably tell you that both books were bought sometime last year... and they both are still in perfect condition - untouched! Hahaha. It's time to dust off the books and get serious (munches on the oreos that R left on the computer desk as I type this) 😜
But seriously. Yoga. Cutting down my salt intake. And red meat. Sigh. Slowly.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Hiatus
Do you ever get the feeling that the rest of the world is moving so quickly around you? You see everyone you know just keep succeeding in everything they do, tackling every obstacles along their paths and doing so graciously while they're at it... and there you are just moving at a glacial pace while trying to catch up with everyone?
In this fast-paced world, I find it hard to keep up with anything.. I used to be able to handle it so well. I was a pro in putting up a facade and pretend that I understood everything. Nowadays, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I crawl back into my shell and just watch the world go by without me.
I have finally figured out that I need to take a break from everything. I need to reassess everything - focus on myself, my own health and well-being, my own happiness. It is hard to do so when I have to keep up with the rest of the world and at the same time take care of my own self too. I do get happy seeing all my friends and family happy don't get me wrong, but I can't help but question my own happiness.. which is just not right. I love seeing all the photos of babies and I get this warm feeling whenever I see my friends and family upload photos of their children, yet at the same time, I feel sad thinking how empty my arms are and how its longing to hold a baby in its embrace. I know that I should focus on all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and Alhamdulillah, there has been many... but when it seems that people around you keep reminding you (sometimes subtly.. sometimes not so) that you are less of a woman when you are childless, you can't help but feel empty.
I want to learn to love myself again and be happy with just being me. I need to focus on getting healthy, so my husband and the rest of my family won't have to worry about me all the time.
Doa for me?
Love, Me.
In this fast-paced world, I find it hard to keep up with anything.. I used to be able to handle it so well. I was a pro in putting up a facade and pretend that I understood everything. Nowadays, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I crawl back into my shell and just watch the world go by without me.
I have finally figured out that I need to take a break from everything. I need to reassess everything - focus on myself, my own health and well-being, my own happiness. It is hard to do so when I have to keep up with the rest of the world and at the same time take care of my own self too. I do get happy seeing all my friends and family happy don't get me wrong, but I can't help but question my own happiness.. which is just not right. I love seeing all the photos of babies and I get this warm feeling whenever I see my friends and family upload photos of their children, yet at the same time, I feel sad thinking how empty my arms are and how its longing to hold a baby in its embrace. I know that I should focus on all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and Alhamdulillah, there has been many... but when it seems that people around you keep reminding you (sometimes subtly.. sometimes not so) that you are less of a woman when you are childless, you can't help but feel empty.
I want to learn to love myself again and be happy with just being me. I need to focus on getting healthy, so my husband and the rest of my family won't have to worry about me all the time.
Doa for me?
Love, Me.
Friday, June 23, 2017
Adoption
The Mister and I have always toyed with the idea of adopting a baby. While we were in the US, in our third year of marriage and before IVF ever came to mind, we had our first talk on adoption.
I had my second miscarriage sometime during our first year in DC (the first one was during our first year of marriage, while we were still in Brunei) but at that time we refrained ourselves from telling any of our family members back home as we didn't want them to worry. We had days where we would just sit down in silence thinking about the miscarriage but we also had some better days where we would just go stroll around our neighbourhood, go on random trips to NY.. basically just enjoying ourselves and each other's company. Eventually, I ended up telling my sister-in-law of our situation and how the mister and I were having a hard time coping with the loss (and the unnecessary drama at that time involving old friends.. LOL!) so my in-laws without any hesitation decided to buy tickets and made the necessary arrangements to fly all the way to DC to visit us. When they arrived, all our troubles and worries melted away.....except for the snow. This was during the Snowmageddon of 2010, y'all! LOL
Okay, I sidetracked... as usual.
To be honest, the idea of adoption started after our first trip back home to Brunei in 2011, after being away for 18 months. At times, we were greeted with all the usual questions from well-meaning family and friends. What they didn't know (or probably did) was that all these provoking questions made our reunions with them awkward. We didn't have the answers to "belum lagi ada baby/no baby yet?" "bilatah ada baby/when will you have a baby?". To our surprise, we also received tips on conceiving (bahhahahahhaah), advice on not to do family planning, go for traditional massages, etc. That was when we started to ask ourselves, "should we be worried?".
When we got back to DC, the mister and I finally talked about adoption and decided to weigh in all the pros and cons. Since we were very far away from home at that time, we tried to also account for all the logistics (flying back and forth to Brunei to settle any necessary issues regarding the potential adoption, etc) and since our list was filled mostly with cons, we thought it was best to forgo on the idea. We went for check ups and eventually decided on IVF (which took a toll on us physically, mentally and financially) but only to end up with unsuccessful sessions. Allah knows best and we believed it was not our time yet to have children so all we could do was redha.
As soon as we set foot back on Brunei soil after our term in DC ended, we abandoned all talks of babies as we were still dealing with all the moving and recent unsuccessful IVF. We decided to focus on work and spending quality time with our family and friends. It was only months later when my bestfriends, who were also trying to conceive at that time too, decided for us to share our TTC journey. We did our best to get healthier together and went for regular check ups at the clinic. Alhamdulillah, we all got pregnant (though not at the same time). They both had successful pregnancies and I couldn't be more than happy for both of them. The mister and I decided to take a break from the TTC journey and just go on holiday and at the same time, visit my aunt who was at that time posted in Manila. What I didn't know at that time was that I was already pregnant. Our first two days in Manila was spent staying indoors mostly as I was constantly nauseous and we all thought I had food poisoning. It was only days later, after a trip to Subic with my aunt, I realised something was wrong. The vomiting and diarrhea (TMI, sorry!) were so bad and I had my period at the same time...or so I thought. What accompanied it was also unbearable stomach pain which I thought was due to the heavy period with the unusually large blood clots. When we went back to Brunei, I decided to go for another check up. I showed the doctor photos of the large blood clots that I took of while in Manila (I know, ewww!) and she did a test on me and confirmed that I recently had a miscarriage so I had to undergo a d&c. My husband and I were both devastated. Had we known I was pregnant, we wouldn't have gone on the trip.. but Allah is the best planner. Months later, we were given news that we were to be posted to KL, so we thought it was best to end the TTC journey for the time being and focus on our move to KL.
After more than two years living in KL (and yet another miscarriage), we finally decided it was the right time to adopt and we were more than ready to be parents. We both love children. We have always loved being around children. It had nothing to do with peer pressure. Nothing to do with being envious of all the amazing friends and families who are blessed with being amazing parents. We just knew we wanted to be parents more than ever. We just know that we have so much love to give and our poor, annoyed cats are always on the receiving end of all those excess love. LOL!!!
So, when I received a call a while back from a friend here (let's call her Far), I couldn't be happier!! She knows of my TTC journey, my miscarriages and depression I endured not long after my tumor in 2014 (another story). She told me that her cousin (let's call her Ayu) who is currently pregnant with her 4th and 5th child (yes, twins!!) and is due end of July, is looking for a couple who would like to adopt one of the babies. Ayu's husband apparently is still an undergrad student and they agreed that they couldn't afford to raise two more children.
Far told her cousin of our situation and according to her, Ayu believed that we could be great parents to one of her unborn child. When I first broke the news to the mister, he was abit skeptic but after I told him all the details and all our arrangements to go for the ultrasound appointments, he eventually let down his guard and warmed up to the idea. One thing we agreed on was that we won't tell anyone until everything was set in stone or better yet, once the baby is in our hands. We were going to find out all the necessary procedures and contact the relevant authorities to ask about adopting a child from abroad but we knew it was not impossible. So... I told my bestfriend, Vi. HAHAHA. I couldn't keep it from her. She shared my excitement and told me she wanted to be in KL when the baby is born. What I love about Vi is that she keeps me grounded. She asked all the necessary questions - all the what's, why's, how's and etc. "Will the child know who the real parents are?", "Will the parents want to see the child again?", "Why are they splitting up the twins? You think this is some Jackie Chan movie?" LOL!! ....and all those other questions.
After the ultrasound and talks with Ayu personally, I knew my heart was set. I was in love with the baby.. I know it sounds silly because at that time, I didn't even know which one would be mine... During our trip back home to Brunei recently, it took alot for me to not randomly burst into song and tell our family of the adoption. The mister and I kept reminding ourselves that anything could happen and what if Ayu decides to keep the baby. It got me nervous but I kept in touch with Ayu to check up on her and everything seemed great. The day after my birthday, she greeted me by sending me the recent ultrasound photo with the caption "Happy birthday, mommy! Love, baby A and my twin". I think my body went on autopilot throughout the day because all my mind could think of was that the mister and I would most probably be parents in a month's time. Before I left for KL, Vi and I got all sappy with our goodbyes - I said to her "the next time you see me, I will be a mother!" and we got more emo. Hahaha.
Of course, all good things must come to an end. Last Sunday, Ayu texted to say she and the husband are both very sorry but they have decided to give the baby away to a Malaysian, so it is easier for them to see the child when need be. (???) Of course they have every right to want that as the child is rightfully theirs but I thought we have covered all these. My heart broke into pieces. I have asked her all these questions before and she has always told me that it didn't matter because she knew we would take good care of the child and raise her well. When I broke the news to the mister, he handled it pretty well. He told me somehow he knew the mother would eventually change her mind, because things just don't come that easy. We made the right decision to not involve our families initially. It would have been harder if everyone were emotionally involved. I only managed to open up to my ibu about it today (after typing, editing, deleting, re-typing for the past two days) as I didn't know how to tell her and I really needed to hear words of comfort from her. Ibu, as always, knew the right words to say to make me feel better.. always <3
I don't know if we will jump on the adoption idea again anytime soon, but I believe in my heart that the mister and I will one day make great parents. Sometimes I feel that we already are parents... Just without children. Yet. =)
I had my second miscarriage sometime during our first year in DC (the first one was during our first year of marriage, while we were still in Brunei) but at that time we refrained ourselves from telling any of our family members back home as we didn't want them to worry. We had days where we would just sit down in silence thinking about the miscarriage but we also had some better days where we would just go stroll around our neighbourhood, go on random trips to NY.. basically just enjoying ourselves and each other's company. Eventually, I ended up telling my sister-in-law of our situation and how the mister and I were having a hard time coping with the loss (and the unnecessary drama at that time involving old friends.. LOL!) so my in-laws without any hesitation decided to buy tickets and made the necessary arrangements to fly all the way to DC to visit us. When they arrived, all our troubles and worries melted away.....except for the snow. This was during the Snowmageddon of 2010, y'all! LOL
Okay, I sidetracked... as usual.
To be honest, the idea of adoption started after our first trip back home to Brunei in 2011, after being away for 18 months. At times, we were greeted with all the usual questions from well-meaning family and friends. What they didn't know (or probably did) was that all these provoking questions made our reunions with them awkward. We didn't have the answers to "belum lagi ada baby/no baby yet?" "bilatah ada baby/when will you have a baby?". To our surprise, we also received tips on conceiving (bahhahahahhaah), advice on not to do family planning, go for traditional massages, etc. That was when we started to ask ourselves, "should we be worried?".
When we got back to DC, the mister and I finally talked about adoption and decided to weigh in all the pros and cons. Since we were very far away from home at that time, we tried to also account for all the logistics (flying back and forth to Brunei to settle any necessary issues regarding the potential adoption, etc) and since our list was filled mostly with cons, we thought it was best to forgo on the idea. We went for check ups and eventually decided on IVF (which took a toll on us physically, mentally and financially) but only to end up with unsuccessful sessions. Allah knows best and we believed it was not our time yet to have children so all we could do was redha.
As soon as we set foot back on Brunei soil after our term in DC ended, we abandoned all talks of babies as we were still dealing with all the moving and recent unsuccessful IVF. We decided to focus on work and spending quality time with our family and friends. It was only months later when my bestfriends, who were also trying to conceive at that time too, decided for us to share our TTC journey. We did our best to get healthier together and went for regular check ups at the clinic. Alhamdulillah, we all got pregnant (though not at the same time). They both had successful pregnancies and I couldn't be more than happy for both of them. The mister and I decided to take a break from the TTC journey and just go on holiday and at the same time, visit my aunt who was at that time posted in Manila. What I didn't know at that time was that I was already pregnant. Our first two days in Manila was spent staying indoors mostly as I was constantly nauseous and we all thought I had food poisoning. It was only days later, after a trip to Subic with my aunt, I realised something was wrong. The vomiting and diarrhea (TMI, sorry!) were so bad and I had my period at the same time...or so I thought. What accompanied it was also unbearable stomach pain which I thought was due to the heavy period with the unusually large blood clots. When we went back to Brunei, I decided to go for another check up. I showed the doctor photos of the large blood clots that I took of while in Manila (I know, ewww!) and she did a test on me and confirmed that I recently had a miscarriage so I had to undergo a d&c. My husband and I were both devastated. Had we known I was pregnant, we wouldn't have gone on the trip.. but Allah is the best planner. Months later, we were given news that we were to be posted to KL, so we thought it was best to end the TTC journey for the time being and focus on our move to KL.
After more than two years living in KL (and yet another miscarriage), we finally decided it was the right time to adopt and we were more than ready to be parents. We both love children. We have always loved being around children. It had nothing to do with peer pressure. Nothing to do with being envious of all the amazing friends and families who are blessed with being amazing parents. We just knew we wanted to be parents more than ever. We just know that we have so much love to give and our poor, annoyed cats are always on the receiving end of all those excess love. LOL!!!
So, when I received a call a while back from a friend here (let's call her Far), I couldn't be happier!! She knows of my TTC journey, my miscarriages and depression I endured not long after my tumor in 2014 (another story). She told me that her cousin (let's call her Ayu) who is currently pregnant with her 4th and 5th child (yes, twins!!) and is due end of July, is looking for a couple who would like to adopt one of the babies. Ayu's husband apparently is still an undergrad student and they agreed that they couldn't afford to raise two more children.
Far told her cousin of our situation and according to her, Ayu believed that we could be great parents to one of her unborn child. When I first broke the news to the mister, he was abit skeptic but after I told him all the details and all our arrangements to go for the ultrasound appointments, he eventually let down his guard and warmed up to the idea. One thing we agreed on was that we won't tell anyone until everything was set in stone or better yet, once the baby is in our hands. We were going to find out all the necessary procedures and contact the relevant authorities to ask about adopting a child from abroad but we knew it was not impossible. So... I told my bestfriend, Vi. HAHAHA. I couldn't keep it from her. She shared my excitement and told me she wanted to be in KL when the baby is born. What I love about Vi is that she keeps me grounded. She asked all the necessary questions - all the what's, why's, how's and etc. "Will the child know who the real parents are?", "Will the parents want to see the child again?", "Why are they splitting up the twins? You think this is some Jackie Chan movie?" LOL!! ....and all those other questions.
After the ultrasound and talks with Ayu personally, I knew my heart was set. I was in love with the baby.. I know it sounds silly because at that time, I didn't even know which one would be mine... During our trip back home to Brunei recently, it took alot for me to not randomly burst into song and tell our family of the adoption. The mister and I kept reminding ourselves that anything could happen and what if Ayu decides to keep the baby. It got me nervous but I kept in touch with Ayu to check up on her and everything seemed great. The day after my birthday, she greeted me by sending me the recent ultrasound photo with the caption "Happy birthday, mommy! Love, baby A and my twin". I think my body went on autopilot throughout the day because all my mind could think of was that the mister and I would most probably be parents in a month's time. Before I left for KL, Vi and I got all sappy with our goodbyes - I said to her "the next time you see me, I will be a mother!" and we got more emo. Hahaha.
Of course, all good things must come to an end. Last Sunday, Ayu texted to say she and the husband are both very sorry but they have decided to give the baby away to a Malaysian, so it is easier for them to see the child when need be. (???) Of course they have every right to want that as the child is rightfully theirs but I thought we have covered all these. My heart broke into pieces. I have asked her all these questions before and she has always told me that it didn't matter because she knew we would take good care of the child and raise her well. When I broke the news to the mister, he handled it pretty well. He told me somehow he knew the mother would eventually change her mind, because things just don't come that easy. We made the right decision to not involve our families initially. It would have been harder if everyone were emotionally involved. I only managed to open up to my ibu about it today (after typing, editing, deleting, re-typing for the past two days) as I didn't know how to tell her and I really needed to hear words of comfort from her. Ibu, as always, knew the right words to say to make me feel better.. always <3
I don't know if we will jump on the adoption idea again anytime soon, but I believe in my heart that the mister and I will one day make great parents. Sometimes I feel that we already are parents... Just without children. Yet. =)
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Decluttering - round 3?
I have had my other instagram account (@liyanadeclutters) where I sell my preloved items as means of decluttering, for a few months now and I still feel so hesitant to update it constantly. But I finally caught a glimpse of the book that has been on my shelf for so long - The Joy of Less - yesterday and it got me motivated again to declutter. I went on a youtube binge this morning and watched some videos on minimalism and I am inspired more than ever.. So I thought, this coming week will be crucial, as I would get so lazy during the fasting month and if I were to only start then, it would keep dragging on and basically the whole process would most probably start weeks after Raya. =P I promised myself that I will start sorting things out again on Wednesday.
I just noticed that I have way too many boxes lying around at home so I thought of gathering all the useless items and separate the recyclable ones from the normal ones. Some clothes are going to the H&M recycle bin. Did you know you can get discount vouchers from H&M when you bring in used clothes or any textiles?
Throughout the past year, I have bought a few bags from Sometime and I realised I don't need more than two of the same designs. I used to think I needed different colours of the same design to coordinate with my outfits..but I have noticed that I now only use the same few bags. Some have been given to my family and friends while some I have sold on my instagram account. I have a few more than I am selling..because I don't need three baby bastabags of similar colours. LOL. It hurts to even type it. Hahaha.
Next, the many books on the shelves will also need to go to new homes because I feel that the books need to be read and not just serve as decoration (the current situation in our home). The books need to serve its purpose so they really must go. I also have too many unused notebooks that I have hoarded the past few years. Everytime I enter Typo or basically any stationery store, my heart beats so fast whenever I see new notebooks. "I can write my expenses in this and keep track of my daily meal plan in this other one" - one of the lies I tell myself. Then, there's the washi tapes! Oh the washi tapes. What was I thinking? I probably have over a hundred of them. Whenever I thought of decorating my planner, I go online and look up washi tapes and buy them, all the while ignoring the growing amount that I store in my box. #liyanathehoarder
Lastly, I know this time I have to include my dUCkscarves. While tidying up my closet, I have to painfully admit that I have more than I need. Altogether, I have bought 10 sets of the dUCk hangers (equivalent to 50 hangers) and I found that I still need 4 more sets to get all the scarves individually hanged. How did I end up with more than 70 dUCks? I *heart pain* have to part ways with a few. I know that I will never part with the fluffs (Loooooove!!), jerseys & LEs so I think most of the satin silks, matte satin silks, mixed crepes, georgettes would have to go. In shaa Allah I will be strong enough to decide which ones. I need to send them for dry cleaning first I guess before selling them.
Anyway.. Good luck, Liyana! You need it. =(
I just noticed that I have way too many boxes lying around at home so I thought of gathering all the useless items and separate the recyclable ones from the normal ones. Some clothes are going to the H&M recycle bin. Did you know you can get discount vouchers from H&M when you bring in used clothes or any textiles?
Throughout the past year, I have bought a few bags from Sometime and I realised I don't need more than two of the same designs. I used to think I needed different colours of the same design to coordinate with my outfits..but I have noticed that I now only use the same few bags. Some have been given to my family and friends while some I have sold on my instagram account. I have a few more than I am selling..because I don't need three baby bastabags of similar colours. LOL. It hurts to even type it. Hahaha.
Next, the many books on the shelves will also need to go to new homes because I feel that the books need to be read and not just serve as decoration (the current situation in our home). The books need to serve its purpose so they really must go. I also have too many unused notebooks that I have hoarded the past few years. Everytime I enter Typo or basically any stationery store, my heart beats so fast whenever I see new notebooks. "I can write my expenses in this and keep track of my daily meal plan in this other one" - one of the lies I tell myself. Then, there's the washi tapes! Oh the washi tapes. What was I thinking? I probably have over a hundred of them. Whenever I thought of decorating my planner, I go online and look up washi tapes and buy them, all the while ignoring the growing amount that I store in my box. #liyanathehoarder
Lastly, I know this time I have to include my dUCkscarves. While tidying up my closet, I have to painfully admit that I have more than I need. Altogether, I have bought 10 sets of the dUCk hangers (equivalent to 50 hangers) and I found that I still need 4 more sets to get all the scarves individually hanged. How did I end up with more than 70 dUCks? I *heart pain* have to part ways with a few. I know that I will never part with the fluffs (Loooooove!!), jerseys & LEs so I think most of the satin silks, matte satin silks, mixed crepes, georgettes would have to go. In shaa Allah I will be strong enough to decide which ones. I need to send them for dry cleaning first I guess before selling them.
Anyway.. Good luck, Liyana! You need it. =(
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
When forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.
Throughout my 31 years of life, I know I have made many mistakes, one of it is hurting people with or without the intention to, directly or indirectly. I am a flawed human. But I have learnt to ask for forgiveness from everyone and I am also now able to forgive everyone and myself easily.
I sometimes think that I forgive too easily. I can wake up the next day as if nothing has happened and carry on with my relationship with anyone who has hurt me the day before. It may appear that all is well on the surface, but sometimes I still carry the anger or hurt inside all the while putting on a facade. So I finally realised, it really isn't forgiveness.. It is just burying. The danger of burying things is that it may be dug out and if that happens, all the hurt, anger, pain returns and sometimes, amplifies.
Huge flaw to this system that I have lived with for so long. So I learn.
I am slowly learning to really forgive and forget. It is hard, but I try. Before I go to sleep, I think of all that has happened and pray that Allah SWT forgives me and everyone around me so that when I wake up, not only can I carry on with my relationships with everyone but actually go through every single day with no remorse or anger, in shaa Allah. But sometimes it requires us to, albeit painfully, move on and say goodbye in order to do so.
Through so many conversations, soul searching and plenty of reading, I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to move on is to cut off all ties with those who have hurt me. I now understand why someone I used to know did it. It was probably the easiest option. Life is too short to live it with anger and negativity. Forgive. But you don't have to continue the relationship. It won't make you or him/her bad people.
I sometimes think that I forgive too easily. I can wake up the next day as if nothing has happened and carry on with my relationship with anyone who has hurt me the day before. It may appear that all is well on the surface, but sometimes I still carry the anger or hurt inside all the while putting on a facade. So I finally realised, it really isn't forgiveness.. It is just burying. The danger of burying things is that it may be dug out and if that happens, all the hurt, anger, pain returns and sometimes, amplifies.
Huge flaw to this system that I have lived with for so long. So I learn.
I am slowly learning to really forgive and forget. It is hard, but I try. Before I go to sleep, I think of all that has happened and pray that Allah SWT forgives me and everyone around me so that when I wake up, not only can I carry on with my relationships with everyone but actually go through every single day with no remorse or anger, in shaa Allah. But sometimes it requires us to, albeit painfully, move on and say goodbye in order to do so.
Through so many conversations, soul searching and plenty of reading, I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to move on is to cut off all ties with those who have hurt me. I now understand why someone I used to know did it. It was probably the easiest option. Life is too short to live it with anger and negativity. Forgive. But you don't have to continue the relationship. It won't make you or him/her bad people.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Someone that I used to know
"Sweet is the memory of distant friends! Like mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the heart." - Washington Irving
We always seem to know what the other one was thinking even just from a simple grin, my old friend and I. When one suddenly bursts into laughter, the other would know why and when one tells a corny joke that no one else would get, the other already knew the perfect joke that would follow. We understood the unspoken words. We tried to heal the unseen wounds. We saw through the fake smiles, the lies and the tears that were uncried.
It's really funny how a short friendship could leave such a dent in my heart with the unsaid goodbye. I was young, too naive, too proud. My heart was filled with all the sadness and pain from all the "supposed" he says she says from everyone around me that I couldn't even navigate away from it all. Even years later, I still think about how if the situations were different, could we have remained friends? Even years later, I think it was silly for us to get involved into drama that weren't even ours to begin with; each going on opposing teams, teams that we should never even have gotten on in the first place.
In the early days of our friendship, I received such horrendous news on how this friend's husband tried to do something horrible to mine...... looking back, I don't even know if all of these were true...... all the unnecessary anger, pain, the feeling of betrayal and depression my husband and I went through, which eventually lead to my miscarriage..... but my husband and I decided to let it all go, for our own sake as we were away from everyone we love, so it was not good for us to delve into all the sadness. Forgiveness were silently given to those who didn't earn it and seek it.
Some time after, we managed to bury all the hurt and we managed to lead pretty happy lives. We'd drop whatever we were doing (if they weren't important! haha) and go see each other when need be. We talked of dreams, make-up, celebrities, tv shows and so many other things but rarely talk about others. We lived in our own bubble and got caught up in all things pretty...till things got in the way. Even remembering this gives a tinge of sadness in my heart.
Everything became ugly... up to a point where her friend made fun of me on social media, that was obviously visible for me to see, and I didn't even catch it at first until friends of mine pointed it out. I was hurt and promised myself not to forgive the person. Her actions were uncalled for and were obviously done to hurt my feelings on purpose. Till today, I couldn't even bring myself to forgive her and reminded myself she truly doesn't deserve it. My old friend did apologise for what her friend did...but that was probably one of the last times we spoke cordially to each other.
Some time after this, I read something from Yasmin Mogahed's page (I had to google it up just now.. But I remember what it entailed) -
"This explains why some souls feel inexplicably drawn to other souls:
The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab Ahaadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, Baab al-Arwaah junood mujannadah)."
I guess our souls never got to meet before this...but it's okay. It does not make us both bad people. She is a good person and I'd like to think that I am a good person too. We were just not meant to be friends...and that's okay, I guess.
We always seem to know what the other one was thinking even just from a simple grin, my old friend and I. When one suddenly bursts into laughter, the other would know why and when one tells a corny joke that no one else would get, the other already knew the perfect joke that would follow. We understood the unspoken words. We tried to heal the unseen wounds. We saw through the fake smiles, the lies and the tears that were uncried.
It's really funny how a short friendship could leave such a dent in my heart with the unsaid goodbye. I was young, too naive, too proud. My heart was filled with all the sadness and pain from all the "supposed" he says she says from everyone around me that I couldn't even navigate away from it all. Even years later, I still think about how if the situations were different, could we have remained friends? Even years later, I think it was silly for us to get involved into drama that weren't even ours to begin with; each going on opposing teams, teams that we should never even have gotten on in the first place.
In the early days of our friendship, I received such horrendous news on how this friend's husband tried to do something horrible to mine...... looking back, I don't even know if all of these were true...... all the unnecessary anger, pain, the feeling of betrayal and depression my husband and I went through, which eventually lead to my miscarriage..... but my husband and I decided to let it all go, for our own sake as we were away from everyone we love, so it was not good for us to delve into all the sadness. Forgiveness were silently given to those who didn't earn it and seek it.
Some time after, we managed to bury all the hurt and we managed to lead pretty happy lives. We'd drop whatever we were doing (if they weren't important! haha) and go see each other when need be. We talked of dreams, make-up, celebrities, tv shows and so many other things but rarely talk about others. We lived in our own bubble and got caught up in all things pretty...till things got in the way. Even remembering this gives a tinge of sadness in my heart.
Everything became ugly... up to a point where her friend made fun of me on social media, that was obviously visible for me to see, and I didn't even catch it at first until friends of mine pointed it out. I was hurt and promised myself not to forgive the person. Her actions were uncalled for and were obviously done to hurt my feelings on purpose. Till today, I couldn't even bring myself to forgive her and reminded myself she truly doesn't deserve it. My old friend did apologise for what her friend did...but that was probably one of the last times we spoke cordially to each other.
Some time after this, I read something from Yasmin Mogahed's page (I had to google it up just now.. But I remember what it entailed) -
"This explains why some souls feel inexplicably drawn to other souls:
The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab Ahaadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, Baab al-Arwaah junood mujannadah)."
I guess our souls never got to meet before this...but it's okay. It does not make us both bad people. She is a good person and I'd like to think that I am a good person too. We were just not meant to be friends...and that's okay, I guess.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Things never go as planned!
I had my activities for today all planned out already by last night. I thought in the morning, I'd order from foodpanda then just spend the whole day at home packing my home office, do laundry, pack all the remaining clothes and everything else basically...just spend a good full day at home and spend the last two days here just reminiscing. Everything was carefully thought of. Everything was gonna be perfect (if you consider doing laundry as perfect....)
Around 9.45am, there was an announcement over the condo's PA system from management. I couldn't be bothered to listen and assumed they were just announcing that there will be some fogging exercise at the basement as they normally would have during the weekdays. So I thought nothing of it and just continued on with my Family Guy marathon. Next thing I know the TV & air cond were switched off! (my Family Guy marathon! Hwaaa!) They shut down the electricity throughout the building! That was what they announced! Of course I wasn't just gonna stay at home and pack up without air conditioning. Panas, sis. Most of my clothes were packed up in the boxes and the ones that aren't haven't been ironed! Luckily, I had my clothes from yesterday still neatly hung in the closet (it didn't smell, I promise! LOL!) so I went next door with yesterday's outfit.
First thing I wanted to do was sit down somewhere where I could charge my phone. It was at less than 10% and I knew the mister would get agitated if I don't reply his texts on my whereabouts. I went to a few cafes but couldn't find one with sockets conveniently located close to the tables. I even contemplated getting a foot massage at Erawan, Avenue K so I could charge my phone there. Thank goodness I managed to slap some senses into myself. I must not splurge on random stuff that I don't even need! So I ended up tapau-ing some food at the food court (because I was so malas to queue at Nando's) and just eat at home.........with no air conditioning. I sound so spoilt! I went home to eat for a bit and then thought of catching Hidden Figures at the cinema as they had one playing at 1.45pm. Just as I was about to step out, the electricity got back on!!! So there was no need for Hidden Figures! I continued packing.........and then fell asleep! Good job, Liyana! Well...basically, I only managed to do one thing from my list today. Tomorrow will be a crazy one! Good luck to meeee!
Good night or good morning wherever you are <3
Monday, March 13, 2017
Moving
In just a few sleeps, we will be settled in our new home. My heart is filled with sadness and has been so for a while since we finally decided it was time to move out of our current home (CH). Today, we went over to the new home (NH) to oversee the touch ups that are being done before the move in date. I only saw flaws...but it was probably because my heart is still so attached to our CH.
I have been having some hard heart-to-heart talk with my heart! (HAHAHA) I have convinced her (my heart) that we will have a great time at the NH and will create many more wonderful memories there. I even tried to downplay our CH and reminded her how we have fallen down the stairs so many times (clumsy!!), the leaking that the landlord refused to get fixed since late December, it being too big and very hard to maintain, the glass railings exploding during our first year here, the late night noise almost every weekend from those leaving the clubs nearby who have made it a point to make loud noises even as late as 4am, the massive traffic on fridays.. but she reminded me of all the lovely things - it was just a few steps away from the mall, the security at the building is so tight yet friendly to tenants, the lovely receptionists, how easy it was to get last minute groceries.... but I think she is slowly getting the hang of loving the NH. We have a designated area for praying, the dining area is separated from the living area so it will be easier to host dinners (if rajin, lol!) & we will be closer to some of our colleagues who are staying at the building next to us.
Moving is always hard but I guess in our line of work, it is always expected to be ready to move (but normally requires moving countries). To make things easier, we have come up with our packing lists and labels. I'd like to think that we have gotten better throughout the years..or at least Rafie has! He is such a neat freak! He has folded all his clothes nicely before packing them into boxes while I on the other hand, "try" to fold mine before dumping them in. This would actually be the perfect time to declutter, set aside all the clothes that we no longer wear and sell / donate them...but I guess we don't have much time before the move. Perhaps after? I keep reminding myself that I still need to declutter and I have actually written it down so many times in all three of my planners. I seriously need to get around and do it once we have settled down in the NH, in shaa Allah.
On another note, I am looking forward to do a little bit of "gardening". Ibu and I have been talking about it and I am so excited from all the photos she has sent. It will be a form of therapy for me I guess. Allah knows how I need the therapy. One of the ladies here also have been sharing her gardening project. I am so amazed with all her healthy plants and how she has gotten her children involved as well with planting them. I can imagine all the greens on the balcony already! I will try my best to keep them alive! Try! Haha!
Okay, signing off for now! Good night or good morning wherever you are <3
I have been having some hard heart-to-heart talk with my heart! (HAHAHA) I have convinced her (my heart) that we will have a great time at the NH and will create many more wonderful memories there. I even tried to downplay our CH and reminded her how we have fallen down the stairs so many times (clumsy!!), the leaking that the landlord refused to get fixed since late December, it being too big and very hard to maintain, the glass railings exploding during our first year here, the late night noise almost every weekend from those leaving the clubs nearby who have made it a point to make loud noises even as late as 4am, the massive traffic on fridays.. but she reminded me of all the lovely things - it was just a few steps away from the mall, the security at the building is so tight yet friendly to tenants, the lovely receptionists, how easy it was to get last minute groceries.... but I think she is slowly getting the hang of loving the NH. We have a designated area for praying, the dining area is separated from the living area so it will be easier to host dinners (if rajin, lol!) & we will be closer to some of our colleagues who are staying at the building next to us.
Moving is always hard but I guess in our line of work, it is always expected to be ready to move (but normally requires moving countries). To make things easier, we have come up with our packing lists and labels. I'd like to think that we have gotten better throughout the years..or at least Rafie has! He is such a neat freak! He has folded all his clothes nicely before packing them into boxes while I on the other hand, "try" to fold mine before dumping them in. This would actually be the perfect time to declutter, set aside all the clothes that we no longer wear and sell / donate them...but I guess we don't have much time before the move. Perhaps after? I keep reminding myself that I still need to declutter and I have actually written it down so many times in all three of my planners. I seriously need to get around and do it once we have settled down in the NH, in shaa Allah.
On another note, I am looking forward to do a little bit of "gardening". Ibu and I have been talking about it and I am so excited from all the photos she has sent. It will be a form of therapy for me I guess. Allah knows how I need the therapy. One of the ladies here also have been sharing her gardening project. I am so amazed with all her healthy plants and how she has gotten her children involved as well with planting them. I can imagine all the greens on the balcony already! I will try my best to keep them alive! Try! Haha!
Okay, signing off for now! Good night or good morning wherever you are <3
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Random babbling
About a year ago, I started seeing an oncologist for something that I had at that time and began to get regular blood transfusions. I hated it whenever I had to come back for the transfusions as I would get nauseated after and that feeling doesn't normally go away till the next day. Often times I go alone as I didn't want to pull my husband from his work and I got pretty used to it. Reviews, MRIs, transfusions, blood tests, EEGs, seizure treatments at the neurologist, therapists.. these are just some of those that I got used to doing alone. Of course the mister would come if he knows I am not too well to go on my own or if anything requires me getting admitted, but other than that, I felt I could do it on my own. Syukur Alhamdulillah.
I would break down easily and would always feel that no one else knew what I was going through.. I got mad at everyone. I got mad seeing my healthy friends. I got mad at my doctors. If any of you were in my way, I would probably have gotten mad at you too. I was a mess on the inside.. but no one knew. I was on several anti depressants and anxiety medications. I got tired easily. But then one day while waiting to get picked up, I was sitting down at the oncology ward, there was a kid (probably 5, 6 or 7 years old) with his very kind helper who was just a few steps away from me. I overheard the doctor asking him how he was doing and he just smiled. I still remember what his helper said "still the same, he is tired, too many needles everyday" but the kid just smiled.. He didn't complain. It hit me so hard. It took me a while to digest that lesson that I saw right in front of me.. so after that, whenever I feel that I can't do it or want to break down, I remind myself that there are those who have it worse. Sometimes this made me feel better, but sometimes, I still felt so lost.
Looking back, I just want to give my past self a huge hug and tell her that everything will all be alright.. things do get better. All I ever needed was a hug and reassurance.. I never got that at that time.. but maybe because people around me didn't know what to say or do when I was around. Even at home I couldn't talk about it, afraid that it would make others feel uncomfortable, trust me.. they do..so I chose to just keep it all in. Alhamdulillah, a year after that, when I got much better, I finally chose to open up about it to one of my best friends. I told her about how I felt, what I went through, what I wished people have told me and what I wish I could have told people without making everyone uncomfortable. I was so happy that she had let me talk. Forget psychiatrists.. A best friend is sometimes all you need. Thank you, you know who you are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with something else and I remind myself, to not keep it all in this time, but at the same time, to not look at it as a form of punishment from Allah nor is it a reason to punish people. I try my best to have a positive outlook on life, do things I love, spend more time with people I care about, walk away from situations that will lead to any negativity and buy the things that make me happy. This last point actually sometimes becomes a topic of discussion by some people here and there, who tend make a big issue out of my purchases (mostly on the dUCkscarves that I collect) and at times, rudely points it out so, as if they are the ones paying for them. Some even says how they feel sorry for my husband, not knowing that I pay for my own stuff almost all the time. LOL. Okay, enough negativity.. Wooohsaaaa..
Ending this post on a positive note.. Whatever you are going through right now, be it good or bad, all comes from Allah so you can be at peace knowing that Allah will never put you in a situation that He knows you can't handle.
Good night or good morning, wherever you are <3
I would break down easily and would always feel that no one else knew what I was going through.. I got mad at everyone. I got mad seeing my healthy friends. I got mad at my doctors. If any of you were in my way, I would probably have gotten mad at you too. I was a mess on the inside.. but no one knew. I was on several anti depressants and anxiety medications. I got tired easily. But then one day while waiting to get picked up, I was sitting down at the oncology ward, there was a kid (probably 5, 6 or 7 years old) with his very kind helper who was just a few steps away from me. I overheard the doctor asking him how he was doing and he just smiled. I still remember what his helper said "still the same, he is tired, too many needles everyday" but the kid just smiled.. He didn't complain. It hit me so hard. It took me a while to digest that lesson that I saw right in front of me.. so after that, whenever I feel that I can't do it or want to break down, I remind myself that there are those who have it worse. Sometimes this made me feel better, but sometimes, I still felt so lost.
Looking back, I just want to give my past self a huge hug and tell her that everything will all be alright.. things do get better. All I ever needed was a hug and reassurance.. I never got that at that time.. but maybe because people around me didn't know what to say or do when I was around. Even at home I couldn't talk about it, afraid that it would make others feel uncomfortable, trust me.. they do..so I chose to just keep it all in. Alhamdulillah, a year after that, when I got much better, I finally chose to open up about it to one of my best friends. I told her about how I felt, what I went through, what I wished people have told me and what I wish I could have told people without making everyone uncomfortable. I was so happy that she had let me talk. Forget psychiatrists.. A best friend is sometimes all you need. Thank you, you know who you are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with something else and I remind myself, to not keep it all in this time, but at the same time, to not look at it as a form of punishment from Allah nor is it a reason to punish people. I try my best to have a positive outlook on life, do things I love, spend more time with people I care about, walk away from situations that will lead to any negativity and buy the things that make me happy. This last point actually sometimes becomes a topic of discussion by some people here and there, who tend make a big issue out of my purchases (mostly on the dUCkscarves that I collect) and at times, rudely points it out so, as if they are the ones paying for them. Some even says how they feel sorry for my husband, not knowing that I pay for my own stuff almost all the time. LOL. Okay, enough negativity.. Wooohsaaaa..
Ending this post on a positive note.. Whatever you are going through right now, be it good or bad, all comes from Allah so you can be at peace knowing that Allah will never put you in a situation that He knows you can't handle.
Good night or good morning, wherever you are <3
Monday, March 6, 2017
National Day Celebrations
I have neglected the blog for almost three weeks. So much has happened, namely our National Day celebrations.
We had two celebrations in conjunction with Brunei's 33rd National Day. On the 22nd of February, we celebrated with a Maghrib & Isya' jemaah prayer & tahlil at the new Brunei High Commission building in Putrajaya. They invited all the Bruneian students for this particular event. The building has not been officiated yet, so that night was the first ceremony done in the building. I can't believe how beautiful the High Comm building has turned out. I felt a bit sad because when we first got to KL in February 2014, overseeing the construction was part of my responsibilities (along with a few other officers) and I still remember my last meeting there. I remember being so upset as I had an inside joke with the lead architect about it being my first born baby....so when I was made to leave work (eventhough I was already certified fit for work at that time!), I felt abit at loss.
Anywhu.. back to the celebrations! That day was the day I finally surrendered and gave in to temptations - glorious yummy food. Hahaha. After dinner was served, we had a group photo session with everyone and we ended the night with several video presentations from Brunei.
Brunei High Commission Home Based Staff with families
With the Bruneian students
On the 23rd, we had a formal celebration at Grand Hyatt. I was looking forward to this one because ever since we started clean eating, all I could think of was the famous nasi ayam from JP Teres, Hyatt. LOL! Carol, Ai Ling and my Malaysian sisters from DC came to show some love for everyone. That night along Jalan Pinang was so bad due to the heavy rain, so I felt so bad that most of them were stuck in traffic for so long, just to attend the event. This made me appreciate their attendance even more.. so ladies, if you are reading this, thank you so much. <3 That night was even more special for me as this was the first national day celebration in KL that my parents attended with us after 4 consecutive years of us celebrating National Day here in KL. Oh! The evening got better because we got to take back home leftovers. Tapau, baby!
No events attended together will be complete without the mandatory SG-BN-PH wefie. I love you!
Miss Amara and her darling parents also came to show some love!
One with my parents, our High Commissioner and Datin <3
A group photo with all Home Based Staff and spouses.
...and then we tapau!! LOL
Okay, too sleepy to type some more! Will most probably update more in the morning <3 good night or good morning, wherever you are!
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Eating healthy
I slept in from 11 to 3pm today trying to just sleep away the period cramps. So bad, girls! I missed lunch and the first thing I did when I got up was text the mister and told him I was hungry, the last thing I ate this morning was pita bread dipped in cream cheese. Too malas to cook anything. The mister ordered some food from La Juiceria terus for dinner as well. For my late lunch, I had the gourmet salad with chicken which was too good that I didn't even sempat take photos, okay. For dinner, he had the gourmet salad as well but his was with teriyaki chicken. OMG. Seriously, too good. I stole some of his chicken. And girls..... my dinner...
The Nasi Lemak wrap!!!
Just look at it!!! Egg, chicken, lettuce, cucumber, anchovies.. and even got the sambal! This is a somewhat healthier version of the nasi lemak. Instead of rice, they used quinoa.
I didn't manage to finish it because I was still full from the late lunch and from stealing the mister's teriyaki chicken... but seriously. Wow. Wow. 😍
The mister and I just recently started to embark on this healthy eating journey. We both decided it was time to think of our future. *8 years too late! hahaha* but better late than never, right? 😁 We have adopted a weekly meal plan and so far, Alhamdulillah, we have managed to follow through it.. except for yesterday when I fell weak and actually cheated on the meal plan....hey, I was out with the ladies...😅 but from today onwards, it will be smooth sailing.. oh wait! Okay, minus National Day celebration on 23rd of Feb... that one guarantee eat banyak. Hahahaha.
Okay, ending this eating healthy post here. Next post, maggi goreng from Hameeds. Sigh. Hahahahaha. I kid.
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