In shaa Allah :)

It's 2 minutes to 2 am and I am still unable to fall asleep. It could be from watching Insidious 2 on Netflix with the cousins or maybe I just have so much going on in my mind right now. Maybe the latter.

I came across a Facebook post from Mufti Menk's facebook page.

It reminded me of conversations I had with my husband & my mom (on separate occasions). I mentioned several times that I just want to walk away from all the negativity in my life and focus on what makes me happy - life is too short to surround ourselves with drama and things that weigh you down.

When I saw this post, it somehow made everything clear, Alhamdulillah. I now believe, in life, we should always forgive everyone for their mistakes when they seek for forgiveness and even sometimes when they don't. A wise lady used to tell me that every night before she goes to bed, she would ask for forgiveness from her husband & that she would also remind herself to forgive all those around her. She always wakes up happy. Back then, I couldn't really grasp this idea as my young mind couldn't comprehend why I should forgive people who have wronged me, let alone when they didn't even bother to ask for forgiveness in the first place. I would like to think that my 31 year old self is now a little bit more wiser and more forgiving.. In shaa Allah :)

Forgiving people for their mistakes will eventually lift away most of the burden that is weighing you down after carrying all that anger and hatred, and in shaa Allah, if Allah wills it so, it will make you feel so much better. I am not saying that I am even close to this but I am working so hard to actually reach there.

I felt happy after coming across this post as it was the first post I saw when I went on Facebook. It just reaffirms what I have been thinking. It's alright to move on. Forgive and move on..  but it doesn't mean you have to continue talking to each other. You can choose to  move on and walk away. It doesn't mean that you or the other person are bad people for walking away. It doesn't mean you don't care and it doesn't mean that you are going against Rasulullah SAW's teaching just because you want to walk away, no matter how others will try to perceive it that way. You are in control of your own life and it is up to you to live it how you would like to, as long as you do not hurt anyone along the way.

Only Allah SWT knows what is inside this little heart & only Allah SWT can judge me.

This and That

It's been months since I've actually written on this blog. See... atleast I remain true to my nature of being inconsistent. LOL!

I am currently in bed while facing the macbook and the window. Bella is now lying on my vanity chair, asleep. 

   

In 2 hours, Mu'izz & Ayumi will  be here while Uchu Noh, aunty Tin & the girls will be arriving later tonight. I am so excited to have family over. It was only a few days ago Babah & Ibu left KL after a 4 day visit. They came to actually accompany me to my neurology review but I told them what my doctor advised me and Rafie (that I should be more independent! LOL) so they didn't tag along. 

 

Please excuse the butterfly gown. Hahaha. It was too comfy!

 

Lil Archie joined us to the lobby to send off ibu & babah.

I always love having family over but I hate the goodbyes that come with it. Even the cats love all the extra attention and affection they get from all my friends and family that I always hate having to tell them that we are back on our own after everyone leaves. Hahaha.

But jokes aside, sometimes I can't help but feel alone. When Rafie leaves for work, that's my time to go feed the cats and sometimes just sleep in during the morning. I am thankful that the ladies here are always up for last minute meet ups for brunch every now and then that sometimes I feel bad whenever I can't go if I feel unwell but they always understand <3

I don't like being sick. I am sick most of the time. My head hurts almost every single morning. I'd get excited to do something the next morning (go out / take away my favourite food / manipedi / sit down at kinokuniya and just read etc) and then I'd end up disappointed because I'd be too sick to even get up and do regular things. I would end up being in bed, curtains closed, lights off and sometimes with a koolfever pad (I don't know how it helps but it does sometimes).

Few weeks ago, we found out that there is a swelling on my left side of the brain. Days leading to it, I had a huge migraine and on that particular Friday, I was scheduled for something but I decided to actually get my migraine checked first because I couldn't take it anymore. The doctor could actually feel the swelling but insisted that it has probably been there for some time so I was told to go for a ct scan. I cried so hard on the way to my doctor's office while bringing the scan as the lady who did my scan told me to go see my doctor right away and to bring the scan. My mind was filled with all these negative thoughts that I actually looked into my husband's eyes and told him "I think there's something else." We walked together quietly to the doctor's office. He advised that there is indeed a swelling but he needs to refer to my previous ct scan to see how fast the swelling has grown or if it has been there for quite some time already. He told me to do a blood test as well to check for any tumor indications. (I... hate.... needles! But this lady did it so quick and I think I like her. Haha!) The doctor told me to wait for a phone call for the results. Days later I got the call, no tumor indications! Alhamdulillah! But, he told me he had to send my blood elsewhere for something else. My white blood count was quite high. I am thalassemic so to me that news is old news. No calls. Went to the review. He was super nice! He said "You look well! Seems like you lost weight". Sugar coating it! Haha. Later he explained that he sent my blood to the oncologist & that I have to be referred elsewhere. I decided to not go yet and just wait till next year. I couldn't really take it. So much has happened the past few months for me healthwise and I just couldn't take it. Too much to worry about. I hate complaining as I know Allah has better plans for me and my family.. but during my weak moments, I couldn't help but. Astaghfirullah. All my doctors have been saying the same things, to stay positive, always stay positive, do things that make me happy.. and I have been trying.

Sometimes you just got to walk away from all the negativity and concentrate on your own iman, health and happiness because you and only you will know what is best for yourself. May Allah SWT increase our iman, bless us with good health, barakah and happiness. Aaamiin ya rabbal alamin.