YIKES.
We are officially heading back home in 40 days! FORTY DAYS! The cats will be leaving KL in 20 days and I am so sad that we will be spending almost one month apart from them. We have so much packing left to do and so many people to see before we leave. I am so grateful that I have made many friends throughout the years we have been in KL. The past few days have been spent just going out for lunches with friends from ALC, friends I have met through dUCk and one friend I have the privilege of meeting at the oncology ward few years ago.
It all just seems so surreal. KL has been home to us for almost 5 years. There has been many ups and downs but, we have come out stronger... in shaa Allah.
When we first set foot in KL in February 2014, I was a working woman. Months later, I would have my first heartbreak in KL when I was told to take leave instead and then replaced by someone who in the end took much more time off for being sick (fine, she had two surgeries in KL instead of my one surgery) as well.
I got asked by a colleague back at HQ why we mentioned I was certified fit for work in 2014 but yet had to undergo surgery less than two months later. At that time, I was slowly recovering after undergoing treatments, everything was going well and my recently diagnosed (at that time) anxiety was treatable.. but then I got word from another colleague that they were sending a replacement, I blacked out. It was unfortunate that I blacked out while walking near the edge of the bed as my head actually hit the edge before I hit the floor. The husband rushed me to the hospital and after a CT scan/MRI, my neurologist referred me to a neurosurgeon as they found that one of the cavernomas had bled. So the surgery was necessary. At that time, we were so angry and blamed everyone. It was only much later that I accepted my fate. I was reminded that everything was written long before we were born and therefore, I had to accept it. From then on, my husband and I decided that for most of my hospital sessions, we would try our best to just cover them ourselves so that the office would not have access to the records to use it against me later on while I try to recover.
Early 2015, I had another miscarriage which was eventually a blessing (I can only say this now as it was one of the worst period of my life at that time) because I was then referred to a specialist in Tawakkal who told me I had cysts in my ovaries which was treatable, but if left untreated could grow and grow. I wouldn't have known that the cysts were there if I hadn't had that miscarriage. So I consider it a blessing in disguise.
With the ongoing treatments with the neurologist, I was told to forego any plans of conceiving as in 2016, I had problems with my bloodwork which made them refer to the oncologist. I have never even heard of oncology prior to being referred there. I didn't have cancer. Just that my bloodwork was "messy". I had to go through a form of chemotherapy. I only learnt that chemotherapy was not just for cancer patients. I had a total of three sessions of the therapy from which I would normally just get sick for many days after. I learnt to be independent. Although sometimes I wish that I could bring my husband to accompany me, but I know he has much work to do... so alone I go and sit through it. I hated it. But Alhamdulillah, my bloodwork got so much better at the end of the third session.
In 2017, I started going out more. I attended social events. I was more comfortable talking to people. I managed to tame my anxiety. I started letting go of people who were toxic to me. I began taking care of myself. I attempted to go on a journey towards minimalism. Key word = attempted. LOLs.
2018 is tough. I lost my grandfather... and I wasn't home when he passed. But I was at peace knowing he was no longer in pain. I dreamt of him. A younger him, smiling. I knew he was at peace. And I felt better. We also tried adopting a baby. After being invested in it (buying clothes, a deposit for a baby crib and not counting the fact that I was already in love with the unborn baby), few weeks before the baby was born, the parents cancelled. Another heartbreak.
But we will be saying goodbye to 2018 in 40 DAYS!
So to recap,
One miscarriage,
One gamma knife surgery,
Three radiation therapies,
Depression and Anxiety
Twenty-five neuro rehabilitation sessions,
One failed adoption process..
But then, there's the countless friendships made. So there's somewhat of a balance.
Bring it on 2019!
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Time Out.
I managed to take about a month break from social media and I felt great!
The first few days of my social media detox, I can't lie.. I was discontented. "What if my friends don't know what I'm eating?" "No one will know that I went to the gym today" "What if I am depriving my friends from seeing photos of my cats?" "Who will see all my artistic photos of my rose latte?" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
I survived. I know. How strong. =P
Before I went on the detox, I informed my family and bestfriends that I won't be on facebook and instagram. *queue gasp* But thank goodness for whatsapp. I could reach everyone through there instead. Whatsapp's not social media right? As I type this, I could imagine all the eye rolls from anyone attempting to read this crap. Big deal, Liyana. You're making a whole blog post about one month of not posting your usual crap on social media.
But, in all seriousness.. I quite enjoyed it. I managed to take my time to finish my last 2 neuro rehabilitation sessions. Alhamdulillah. 25 sessions since 2014. I have never felt better. I look back on my first session there and I remember at that time, I could not for the life of me figure out how the sessions would help me in any way. I dreaded going. I get asked by friends sometimes what I do during the sessions. Some sessions, it is just about balancing my body through movements, while some sessions it's just some sessions on the treadmill followed by monitoring how I walk after. Since I used to faint alot and with the surgery and all, it was compulsory to undergo these sessions. I only had 5 primary sessions but after the 5 sessions, I started to see how it helped me and ended up paying for 20 additional sessions out of my own pocket. There were some sessions that included seeing the psychiatrist. I loved mine. Dr Hamidah (she even has the same name as my Ibu! =P) is great! I always feel like I achieved something after each session with her. She has helped me through my depression and anxiety. What I love about her is that she always reminds me of the Islamic aspects of everything at the same time. She reminds me that mental health is nothing to embarassed about and that it shouldn't be a taboo to speak of it. I have always felt that when I talk about my depression, people will judge me and will point out that I have weak iman or that maybe I have not been praying enough.. but Dr Hamidah, she encourages me to talk about it. She encourages me to open up to my loved ones about it... and I did. Alhamdulillah, my parents were very open about it when I first told them about how I was diagnosed with depression and they didn't judge me as I thought they would. One giant leap.
Anyway, I digress! As usual. =P
One of the reasons why I went on the detox was that whenever I see photos of babies, I get so upset. Sometimes without warning, tears would flow out after seeing photos of my friends and their children... and it's no one's fault... Another reason was that I was also envious seeing photos of my friends hanging out, without me. I felt left out. Ofcourse I couldn't hang with them as I am all the way here in KL and they're home in Brunei.. but again.. there's that feeling. Oh.. and then there's all the onlineshops! Hahahaha.
So, I took time out. One week into the detox, I was agitated. Two weeks in, okay lah... can lah..
I went to the gym a few times a week while narrowly escaping the personal trainer every single time. Sorry, Lukman. Nothing against you. I just hate that one hour I have with you. Hahahahaha.
I would sit down at dotty's and enjoy my rose latte (so bougie =P) and sometimes if I feel like I deserve it, I'd order the turkey slice too. Soooo goooood.
During the last few days of the detox, I thought about how I'd be going back to work and I got excited. I made a list of what to get before heading back to work. I don't know how everyone at HQ will be. I've heard all the rumors about me through colleagues and to be honest, I am so nervous. Some people back home have mentioned about how I tried to get out of work and made up my sickness. To them, I shall say..... "no one in their right mind would purposely fall flat face to the ground so many times to skip work. To be poked and prodded by needles all the time. Having to stay at the hospital countless days while I could sleep at the comfort of my own bed each night. Go through major surgery as well, JUST TO SKIP 8-9 HOURS OF DAILY WORK." My Ibu always reminds me that the truth will always prevail and that everyone else who were involved in the rumors will one day get what they deserve... even those who knew the truths but chose to remain quiet.
Whoah. Again, I digress. HAHAHAHHAA.
Liyana needs to go on a further detox I think.
Till then, goodnight or good morning wherever you are =)
The first few days of my social media detox, I can't lie.. I was discontented. "What if my friends don't know what I'm eating?" "No one will know that I went to the gym today" "What if I am depriving my friends from seeing photos of my cats?" "Who will see all my artistic photos of my rose latte?" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
I survived. I know. How strong. =P
Before I went on the detox, I informed my family and bestfriends that I won't be on facebook and instagram. *queue gasp* But thank goodness for whatsapp. I could reach everyone through there instead. Whatsapp's not social media right? As I type this, I could imagine all the eye rolls from anyone attempting to read this crap. Big deal, Liyana. You're making a whole blog post about one month of not posting your usual crap on social media.
But, in all seriousness.. I quite enjoyed it. I managed to take my time to finish my last 2 neuro rehabilitation sessions. Alhamdulillah. 25 sessions since 2014. I have never felt better. I look back on my first session there and I remember at that time, I could not for the life of me figure out how the sessions would help me in any way. I dreaded going. I get asked by friends sometimes what I do during the sessions. Some sessions, it is just about balancing my body through movements, while some sessions it's just some sessions on the treadmill followed by monitoring how I walk after. Since I used to faint alot and with the surgery and all, it was compulsory to undergo these sessions. I only had 5 primary sessions but after the 5 sessions, I started to see how it helped me and ended up paying for 20 additional sessions out of my own pocket. There were some sessions that included seeing the psychiatrist. I loved mine. Dr Hamidah (she even has the same name as my Ibu! =P) is great! I always feel like I achieved something after each session with her. She has helped me through my depression and anxiety. What I love about her is that she always reminds me of the Islamic aspects of everything at the same time. She reminds me that mental health is nothing to embarassed about and that it shouldn't be a taboo to speak of it. I have always felt that when I talk about my depression, people will judge me and will point out that I have weak iman or that maybe I have not been praying enough.. but Dr Hamidah, she encourages me to talk about it. She encourages me to open up to my loved ones about it... and I did. Alhamdulillah, my parents were very open about it when I first told them about how I was diagnosed with depression and they didn't judge me as I thought they would. One giant leap.
Anyway, I digress! As usual. =P
One of the reasons why I went on the detox was that whenever I see photos of babies, I get so upset. Sometimes without warning, tears would flow out after seeing photos of my friends and their children... and it's no one's fault... Another reason was that I was also envious seeing photos of my friends hanging out, without me. I felt left out. Ofcourse I couldn't hang with them as I am all the way here in KL and they're home in Brunei.. but again.. there's that feeling. Oh.. and then there's all the onlineshops! Hahahaha.
So, I took time out. One week into the detox, I was agitated. Two weeks in, okay lah... can lah..
I went to the gym a few times a week while narrowly escaping the personal trainer every single time. Sorry, Lukman. Nothing against you. I just hate that one hour I have with you. Hahahahaha.
I would sit down at dotty's and enjoy my rose latte (so bougie =P) and sometimes if I feel like I deserve it, I'd order the turkey slice too. Soooo goooood.
During the last few days of the detox, I thought about how I'd be going back to work and I got excited. I made a list of what to get before heading back to work. I don't know how everyone at HQ will be. I've heard all the rumors about me through colleagues and to be honest, I am so nervous. Some people back home have mentioned about how I tried to get out of work and made up my sickness. To them, I shall say..... "no one in their right mind would purposely fall flat face to the ground so many times to skip work. To be poked and prodded by needles all the time. Having to stay at the hospital countless days while I could sleep at the comfort of my own bed each night. Go through major surgery as well, JUST TO SKIP 8-9 HOURS OF DAILY WORK." My Ibu always reminds me that the truth will always prevail and that everyone else who were involved in the rumors will one day get what they deserve... even those who knew the truths but chose to remain quiet.
Whoah. Again, I digress. HAHAHAHHAA.
Liyana needs to go on a further detox I think.
Till then, goodnight or good morning wherever you are =)
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
My Nini.
*Inserts cliche about how time flies here*
More than half a year since I actually posted something in here and so much has happened. I wish that everything was just rosy, fine and dandy.. but that's not how life works. If everything was perfect, then there is really nothing to look forward to in the Hereafter.
We lost my nini laki this year. It took me a long time to fully grasp the fact that he was gone. I was not by his side when he took his last breath. I was stuck in KL, as I had work obligation the day before he left. I was scheduled to fly the day after... I looked forward to kissing his cheeks, to hug him, to see him make his silly faces.. the Wednesday before (two days before he passed away), I dreamt I was with him - he looked much younger with a full head of black hair. In the dream, we were at my parents' place and I was by the window, looking outside and I could see the ground was covered with a blanket of beautiful snow.. snow! in Brunei! I looked to nini and he just smiled. Then I woke up.. I told ibu about it and she told me it's time to come back home.. I wanted to go home so badly but I had some obligations to attend to here... Throughout the event, I kept checking my phone and got so anxious whenever I see a missed call - fearing the worst.
On Friday, 30th March, I woke up to so many calls from Ibu... and I knew. I knew. Rafie took control of everything, bought tickets for us to fly the next morning, instead of my scheduled evening flight. I spent the whole night just thinking of all the last words I could have said to him, the missed hugs.. I sat in the living room alone just trying to imagine him holding me and comforting me.
When we arrived home the next day, babah and ibu picked us up from the airport and took us to breakfast. They comforted me and told me how my nini went peacefully and in no pain. His last words to his caretaker (someone the family hired to take care of nini during the day when babah or his siblings are at work), was to pack up his things because the doctor told them that he will be discharged the same day. Little did he know, or maybe he did, that he was going back home for good, home to his Creator. Babah and ibu told me so many people came to see him off at the masjid. Alhamdulillah. I felt at peace knowing so many loved ones came to perform solat jenazah.
Later on during the day, we went off to KB so Rafie & I could visit nini's grave. I was holding back tears just looking at the freshly covered grave. We had tahlil and doa arwah before we said goodbye to him.
He was a good man. Was. It still hurts to refer to him in the past tense.. Nini was the type of person who would do anything for his family. Whenever babah was away for work, especially when babah was posted to Jeddah, nini would live with my family in Rimba and help look after everyone. I remember many years ago when I took up a part time job before deciding to continue my further studies, nini would be the one to send me off to work and pick me up.. sometimes, he would even pick me up during lunch time and then send me back after. Technically he had to leave home 4 times to pick up and drop off. I think he grew tired of driving me so he forced me to finally take up my driver's license - he even paid for everything! =P I only ended up getting my driver's licence the following year after he kept asking and then finally making my parents force me to take it. He told me I should be independent and so I tried.
My heart still hurts but I know in shaa Allah, I will see him again. Till then, I will continue to keep him in my prayers and pray for that sweet reunion.
More than half a year since I actually posted something in here and so much has happened. I wish that everything was just rosy, fine and dandy.. but that's not how life works. If everything was perfect, then there is really nothing to look forward to in the Hereafter.
We lost my nini laki this year. It took me a long time to fully grasp the fact that he was gone. I was not by his side when he took his last breath. I was stuck in KL, as I had work obligation the day before he left. I was scheduled to fly the day after... I looked forward to kissing his cheeks, to hug him, to see him make his silly faces.. the Wednesday before (two days before he passed away), I dreamt I was with him - he looked much younger with a full head of black hair. In the dream, we were at my parents' place and I was by the window, looking outside and I could see the ground was covered with a blanket of beautiful snow.. snow! in Brunei! I looked to nini and he just smiled. Then I woke up.. I told ibu about it and she told me it's time to come back home.. I wanted to go home so badly but I had some obligations to attend to here... Throughout the event, I kept checking my phone and got so anxious whenever I see a missed call - fearing the worst.
On Friday, 30th March, I woke up to so many calls from Ibu... and I knew. I knew. Rafie took control of everything, bought tickets for us to fly the next morning, instead of my scheduled evening flight. I spent the whole night just thinking of all the last words I could have said to him, the missed hugs.. I sat in the living room alone just trying to imagine him holding me and comforting me.
When we arrived home the next day, babah and ibu picked us up from the airport and took us to breakfast. They comforted me and told me how my nini went peacefully and in no pain. His last words to his caretaker (someone the family hired to take care of nini during the day when babah or his siblings are at work), was to pack up his things because the doctor told them that he will be discharged the same day. Little did he know, or maybe he did, that he was going back home for good, home to his Creator. Babah and ibu told me so many people came to see him off at the masjid. Alhamdulillah. I felt at peace knowing so many loved ones came to perform solat jenazah.
Later on during the day, we went off to KB so Rafie & I could visit nini's grave. I was holding back tears just looking at the freshly covered grave. We had tahlil and doa arwah before we said goodbye to him.
He was a good man. Was. It still hurts to refer to him in the past tense.. Nini was the type of person who would do anything for his family. Whenever babah was away for work, especially when babah was posted to Jeddah, nini would live with my family in Rimba and help look after everyone. I remember many years ago when I took up a part time job before deciding to continue my further studies, nini would be the one to send me off to work and pick me up.. sometimes, he would even pick me up during lunch time and then send me back after. Technically he had to leave home 4 times to pick up and drop off. I think he grew tired of driving me so he forced me to finally take up my driver's license - he even paid for everything! =P I only ended up getting my driver's licence the following year after he kept asking and then finally making my parents force me to take it. He told me I should be independent and so I tried.
My heart still hurts but I know in shaa Allah, I will see him again. Till then, I will continue to keep him in my prayers and pray for that sweet reunion.
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