The Mister and I have always toyed with the idea of adopting a baby. While we were in the US, in our third year of marriage and before IVF ever came to mind, we had our first talk on adoption.
I had my second miscarriage sometime during our first year in DC (the first one was during our first year of marriage, while we were still in Brunei) but at that time we refrained ourselves from telling any of our family members back home as we didn't want them to worry. We had days where we would just sit down in silence thinking about the miscarriage but we also had some better days where we would just go stroll around our neighbourhood, go on random trips to NY.. basically just enjoying ourselves and each other's company. Eventually, I ended up telling my sister-in-law of our situation and how the mister and I were having a hard time coping with the loss (and the unnecessary drama at that time involving old friends.. LOL!) so my in-laws without any hesitation decided to buy tickets and made the necessary arrangements to fly all the way to DC to visit us. When they arrived, all our troubles and worries melted away.....except for the snow. This was during the Snowmageddon of 2010, y'all! LOL
Okay, I sidetracked... as usual.
To be honest, the idea of adoption started after our first trip back home to Brunei in 2011, after being away for 18 months. At times, we were greeted with all the usual questions from well-meaning family and friends. What they didn't know (or probably did) was that all these provoking questions made our reunions with them awkward. We didn't have the answers to "belum lagi ada baby/no baby yet?" "bilatah ada baby/when will you have a baby?". To our surprise, we also received tips on conceiving (bahhahahahhaah), advice on not to do family planning, go for traditional massages, etc. That was when we started to ask ourselves, "should we be worried?".
When we got back to DC, the mister and I finally talked about adoption and decided to weigh in all the pros and cons. Since we were very far away from home at that time, we tried to also account for all the logistics (flying back and forth to Brunei to settle any necessary issues regarding the potential adoption, etc) and since our list was filled mostly with cons, we thought it was best to forgo on the idea. We went for check ups and eventually decided on IVF (which took a toll on us physically, mentally and financially) but only to end up with unsuccessful sessions. Allah knows best and we believed it was not our time yet to have children so all we could do was redha.
As soon as we set foot back on Brunei soil after our term in DC ended, we abandoned all talks of babies as we were still dealing with all the moving and recent unsuccessful IVF. We decided to focus on work and spending quality time with our family and friends. It was only months later when my bestfriends, who were also trying to conceive at that time too, decided for us to share our TTC journey. We did our best to get healthier together and went for regular check ups at the clinic. Alhamdulillah, we all got pregnant (though not at the same time). They both had successful pregnancies and I couldn't be more than happy for both of them. The mister and I decided to take a break from the TTC journey and just go on holiday and at the same time, visit my aunt who was at that time posted in Manila. What I didn't know at that time was that I was already pregnant. Our first two days in Manila was spent staying indoors mostly as I was constantly nauseous and we all thought I had food poisoning. It was only days later, after a trip to Subic with my aunt, I realised something was wrong. The vomiting and diarrhea (TMI, sorry!) were so bad and I had my period at the same time...or so I thought. What accompanied it was also unbearable stomach pain which I thought was due to the heavy period with the unusually large blood clots. When we went back to Brunei, I decided to go for another check up. I showed the doctor photos of the large blood clots that I took of while in Manila (I know, ewww!) and she did a test on me and confirmed that I recently had a miscarriage so I had to undergo a d&c. My husband and I were both devastated. Had we known I was pregnant, we wouldn't have gone on the trip.. but Allah is the best planner. Months later, we were given news that we were to be posted to KL, so we thought it was best to end the TTC journey for the time being and focus on our move to KL.
After more than two years living in KL (and yet another miscarriage), we finally decided it was the right time to adopt and we were more than ready to be parents. We both love children. We have always loved being around children. It had nothing to do with peer pressure. Nothing to do with being envious of all the amazing friends and families who are blessed with being amazing parents. We just knew we wanted to be parents more than ever. We just know that we have so much love to give and our poor, annoyed cats are always on the receiving end of all those excess love. LOL!!!
So, when I received a call a while back from a friend here (let's call her Far), I couldn't be happier!! She knows of my TTC journey, my miscarriages and depression I endured not long after my tumor in 2014 (another story). She told me that her cousin (let's call her Ayu) who is currently pregnant with her 4th and 5th child (yes, twins!!) and is due end of July, is looking for a couple who would like to adopt one of the babies. Ayu's husband apparently is still an undergrad student and they agreed that they couldn't afford to raise two more children.
Far told her cousin of our situation and according to her, Ayu believed that we could be great parents to one of her unborn child. When I first broke the news to the mister, he was abit skeptic but after I told him all the details and all our arrangements to go for the ultrasound appointments, he eventually let down his guard and warmed up to the idea. One thing we agreed on was that we won't tell anyone until everything was set in stone or better yet, once the baby is in our hands. We were going to find out all the necessary procedures and contact the relevant authorities to ask about adopting a child from abroad but we knew it was not impossible. So... I told my bestfriend, Vi. HAHAHA. I couldn't keep it from her. She shared my excitement and told me she wanted to be in KL when the baby is born. What I love about Vi is that she keeps me grounded. She asked all the necessary questions - all the what's, why's, how's and etc. "Will the child know who the real parents are?", "Will the parents want to see the child again?", "Why are they splitting up the twins? You think this is some Jackie Chan movie?" LOL!! ....and all those other questions.
After the ultrasound and talks with Ayu personally, I knew my heart was set. I was in love with the baby.. I know it sounds silly because at that time, I didn't even know which one would be mine... During our trip back home to Brunei recently, it took alot for me to not randomly burst into song and tell our family of the adoption. The mister and I kept reminding ourselves that anything could happen and what if Ayu decides to keep the baby. It got me nervous but I kept in touch with Ayu to check up on her and everything seemed great. The day after my birthday, she greeted me by sending me the recent ultrasound photo with the caption "Happy birthday, mommy! Love, baby A and my twin". I think my body went on autopilot throughout the day because all my mind could think of was that the mister and I would most probably be parents in a month's time. Before I left for KL, Vi and I got all sappy with our goodbyes - I said to her "the next time you see me, I will be a mother!" and we got more emo. Hahaha.
Of course, all good things must come to an end. Last Sunday, Ayu texted to say she and the husband are both very sorry but they have decided to give the baby away to a Malaysian, so it is easier for them to see the child when need be. (???) Of course they have every right to want that as the child is rightfully theirs but I thought we have covered all these. My heart broke into pieces. I have asked her all these questions before and she has always told me that it didn't matter because she knew we would take good care of the child and raise her well. When I broke the news to the mister, he handled it pretty well. He told me somehow he knew the mother would eventually change her mind, because things just don't come that easy. We made the right decision to not involve our families initially. It would have been harder if everyone were emotionally involved. I only managed to open up to my ibu about it today (after typing, editing, deleting, re-typing for the past two days) as I didn't know how to tell her and I really needed to hear words of comfort from her. Ibu, as always, knew the right words to say to make me feel better.. always <3
I don't know if we will jump on the adoption idea again anytime soon, but I believe in my heart that the mister and I will one day make great parents. Sometimes I feel that we already are parents... Just without children. Yet. =)
