Finding Li

Have you ever felt so lost that you think that you won't be able to find your own way back? And to make matters worse, it was you yourself who wandered around into the darkness, wanting to hide in the first place. I believe everyone, at some point in time wishes that they could just hide - we all need to hide sometimes... just crawl into our mind, that very private space and just be alone with our thoughts. Some may choose to stay, while some waited to be found by anyone who wanted to find us. I came across this quote online by D.W Winnicott  -"It is a joy to be hidden and disaster not to be found." (I actually typed this paragraph almost two weeks ago but didn't actually know how to continue it, till today).

Today, after some debate with myself (that probably lasted more than half an hour), I chose to go out and enjoy myself.. I chose to not be hidden. I chose to be found... or rather slowly find myself (my husband, after reading this draft joked about how my instagram handle is @liyanaishere and how the blog title is so contradicting. LOL)

I went to Avenue K and had breakfast alone at la juiceria, opted for the "nasi ayam". It took me a while to decide on whether I should have breakfast at The Loaf instead as it was just right across La juiceria. I could have had pasta at The Loaf. Mmmm... pasta.. But I reminded myself that I need to start my morning right. I actually enjoyed eating alone. I was in no hurry to go anywhere else so I took my time and just simply ate.

As I walked out and headed to klcc, I came across one of the regular buskers at the AK Buskers corner, who always plays soothing flute music that always reminds me of the rainforest, I don't know why. I chose to just stay and enjoy the music for a bit.

One of my favourite places to go to when I go out alone is Kinokuniya - I could spend hours in there just browsing and reading. I love the smell of books. I love looking at stationeries. Those who know me well enough know that I hoard notebooks, journals, coloured pens, post-it notes (yes...those too!) etc .... I need help. Really. While I was browsing through the health section. Laughs. The self help section was just on the opposite side.. "it doesn't hurt to look," I thought to myself. We all need help, don't we? Just infront of me was another book on minimalism with the title "goodbye, things". Hmmm.... Could this be the help I needed? With a little bit of satisfaction, I brought the book to the cashier. "see.. I will only walk out of this store with ONE book. My minimalism journey has begun.. oooh.. Archie!" *smacks forehead* so okay, I walked out with TWO items today. Good enough.

I decided to go to Uniqlo to check out the t-shirts.. Always in the hopes of finding that Jollibee t-shirt, but always walking out empty handed. Sigh. Tried my luck again today, but failed. Deep sigh. But what was most interesting about my visit to Uniqlo was when one Indian lady came up to me and said "You only smile outside, but not inside".. to which I awkwardly replied "Oh, okay thanks". I noticed her earlier before I set foot into Uniqlo as she was standing right outside with some paperbags at her feet. So I was surprised to see her, paperbags in tow. I pointed at the Airism area so to make it seem like I wanted to look at the Airism stuff and off I went to prevent it from getting more awkward. I got my phone out and text my husband and told him about how this random lady who told me to smile. He replied and said "you know how some people can read auras? What if she could see that you were sad on the inside?". I immediately went out to Uniqlo through the other exit and went to Isetan so I could try to absorb what the mister said. How random would it be if that was exactly what she was trying to say? Or rather she probably saw me looking so blurred while walking into Uniqlo while thinking of how to continue my 'minimalism journey' and get that Jollibee t-shirt at the same time.  😅

When I got home, all I could think of was what that lady said and I thought of how it probably could relate to what I have saved under drafts - the first paragraph. I realise that I am often not able to really show my real emotions and instead having to hide it behind smiles and laughter. Only few days ago at our reception at Hyatt, two of the locally engaged staffs (who are currently working at the High Comm and who I often get to meet at official events or whenever I visit the office) asked me how I was. One of them knew how I was at the hospital some time last week and asked me if I was already okay. I told them that everything is still the same - still the on and off pain, the hospital visits, the meds etc. So when kak Mahani (one of the LES) said "Cik Liyana, dari dulu dah kalau sakit tak pernah tunjukkan yang cik Liyana sakit. Selalu je tersenyum dan ketawa". I tried so hard not to cry as she and the other lady hugged me as I was on my way to JP Teres to grab some lunch after our rehearsals. I couldn't even bring myself to say thank you because I was too taken aback by their hugs and kind words. All I could say was that I was hungry and needed to go to JP Teres. 😔

I have always felt that if I open up to people (other than my mom, R and my brother) about how I really felt, the pain that comes and goes, everyone will find it awkward and not know how to be around me. What sucks is that on top of all that, I still struggle with anxiety and the occasional depression. I am quite the package huh? 😂  My husband is sooooo lucky. Hahahaha. On a serious note, he now encourages me to talk about how I feel, emotionally and physically.

But, today. Today. Today was actually not so bad. I am so happy I listened to myself and went out. The mister took me out to the park, after he got back home from work. We ran (well I mostly did a lot of brisk walking instead of running) 3 and a half rounds around the park. I felt so great! We ended the night by going to DOME for dinner. Hahaha. We talked about taking the whole eating healthy step seriously. We talked about going for yoga together. We talked about me doing more stuff that will help with my anxiety. I love him for always wanting what's best for me. Thank you. I know you'll be reading this.

One day at a time.

I am currently just sitting down in my mini home office and just pondering on what I have written sometime last month ago - the hiatus and think it's finally time to act on it. I have been so caught up with social media (instagram & facebook mostly) that sometimes I have to remind myself to put my phone down and just enjoy my day in the real world. As I mentioned in the post,  I tend to question myself whenever I see everyone's posts on instagram - all the baby photos, friends' travels, etc.. Which is seriously such a terrible thing for me to do and would probably make me seem ungrateful for all His blessings. I need to also remind myself to just be in the moment, appreciate my surroundings and be constantly grateful that I have a supportive family who will always pull me out of my worries and anxiety.

Depression is an ugly thing. I do not want to get back to that state of mind and having to rely on medications, frequent changing of medications to suit what was best for me.. it was really tiring. It drained me. I do NOT want that. So I told R that it was time. It might sound like a small step, but to me (someone who checks her instagram first thing in the morning and last thing before dozing off at night)..........

(because.. why not?) 😂

I need to stay away from social media for a while. It does not help that dUCk keeps releasing new stuff every other day. LOL! Maybe this will help me actually save money...Bahahaha.. Okay, but seriously. Need to stay away.

A few weeks ago, the Bruneian ladies had a farewell lunch for ka Hjh Mas with some of our Indonesian sisters. One of the ladies offered to take us to yoga class. I was complaining about my frequent headaches, the constant pain every single time I wake up..  She said yoga might be able to help. So I told R of my intention to finally take up yoga. He was so supportive and started browsing online, looking for nearby classes and he found one just 5 mins away from us. We start this Sunday! Wish us luck! =P

I am also trying my best to cut down on my salt intake as I have been constantly told that it probably has contributed to my migraines. Red meat has also been pointed out. Ahh....... red meat. I have bought two books to sort of help me out with eating healthy - Living Gluten-Free for Dummies and The New Atkins workbook. If I could find the receipts for both books, it would probably tell you that both books were bought sometime last year... and they both are still in perfect condition - untouched! Hahaha. It's time to dust off the books and get serious (munches on the oreos that R left on the computer desk as I type this) 😜

But seriously. Yoga. Cutting down my salt intake. And red meat. Sigh. Slowly.