In shaa Allah :)

It's 2 minutes to 2 am and I am still unable to fall asleep. It could be from watching Insidious 2 on Netflix with the cousins or maybe I just have so much going on in my mind right now. Maybe the latter.

I came across a Facebook post from Mufti Menk's facebook page.

It reminded me of conversations I had with my husband & my mom (on separate occasions). I mentioned several times that I just want to walk away from all the negativity in my life and focus on what makes me happy - life is too short to surround ourselves with drama and things that weigh you down.

When I saw this post, it somehow made everything clear, Alhamdulillah. I now believe, in life, we should always forgive everyone for their mistakes when they seek for forgiveness and even sometimes when they don't. A wise lady used to tell me that every night before she goes to bed, she would ask for forgiveness from her husband & that she would also remind herself to forgive all those around her. She always wakes up happy. Back then, I couldn't really grasp this idea as my young mind couldn't comprehend why I should forgive people who have wronged me, let alone when they didn't even bother to ask for forgiveness in the first place. I would like to think that my 31 year old self is now a little bit more wiser and more forgiving.. In shaa Allah :)

Forgiving people for their mistakes will eventually lift away most of the burden that is weighing you down after carrying all that anger and hatred, and in shaa Allah, if Allah wills it so, it will make you feel so much better. I am not saying that I am even close to this but I am working so hard to actually reach there.

I felt happy after coming across this post as it was the first post I saw when I went on Facebook. It just reaffirms what I have been thinking. It's alright to move on. Forgive and move on..  but it doesn't mean you have to continue talking to each other. You can choose to  move on and walk away. It doesn't mean that you or the other person are bad people for walking away. It doesn't mean you don't care and it doesn't mean that you are going against Rasulullah SAW's teaching just because you want to walk away, no matter how others will try to perceive it that way. You are in control of your own life and it is up to you to live it how you would like to, as long as you do not hurt anyone along the way.

Only Allah SWT knows what is inside this little heart & only Allah SWT can judge me.

This and That

It's been months since I've actually written on this blog. See... atleast I remain true to my nature of being inconsistent. LOL!

I am currently in bed while facing the macbook and the window. Bella is now lying on my vanity chair, asleep. 

   

In 2 hours, Mu'izz & Ayumi will  be here while Uchu Noh, aunty Tin & the girls will be arriving later tonight. I am so excited to have family over. It was only a few days ago Babah & Ibu left KL after a 4 day visit. They came to actually accompany me to my neurology review but I told them what my doctor advised me and Rafie (that I should be more independent! LOL) so they didn't tag along. 

 

Please excuse the butterfly gown. Hahaha. It was too comfy!

 

Lil Archie joined us to the lobby to send off ibu & babah.

I always love having family over but I hate the goodbyes that come with it. Even the cats love all the extra attention and affection they get from all my friends and family that I always hate having to tell them that we are back on our own after everyone leaves. Hahaha.

But jokes aside, sometimes I can't help but feel alone. When Rafie leaves for work, that's my time to go feed the cats and sometimes just sleep in during the morning. I am thankful that the ladies here are always up for last minute meet ups for brunch every now and then that sometimes I feel bad whenever I can't go if I feel unwell but they always understand <3

I don't like being sick. I am sick most of the time. My head hurts almost every single morning. I'd get excited to do something the next morning (go out / take away my favourite food / manipedi / sit down at kinokuniya and just read etc) and then I'd end up disappointed because I'd be too sick to even get up and do regular things. I would end up being in bed, curtains closed, lights off and sometimes with a koolfever pad (I don't know how it helps but it does sometimes).

Few weeks ago, we found out that there is a swelling on my left side of the brain. Days leading to it, I had a huge migraine and on that particular Friday, I was scheduled for something but I decided to actually get my migraine checked first because I couldn't take it anymore. The doctor could actually feel the swelling but insisted that it has probably been there for some time so I was told to go for a ct scan. I cried so hard on the way to my doctor's office while bringing the scan as the lady who did my scan told me to go see my doctor right away and to bring the scan. My mind was filled with all these negative thoughts that I actually looked into my husband's eyes and told him "I think there's something else." We walked together quietly to the doctor's office. He advised that there is indeed a swelling but he needs to refer to my previous ct scan to see how fast the swelling has grown or if it has been there for quite some time already. He told me to do a blood test as well to check for any tumor indications. (I... hate.... needles! But this lady did it so quick and I think I like her. Haha!) The doctor told me to wait for a phone call for the results. Days later I got the call, no tumor indications! Alhamdulillah! But, he told me he had to send my blood elsewhere for something else. My white blood count was quite high. I am thalassemic so to me that news is old news. No calls. Went to the review. He was super nice! He said "You look well! Seems like you lost weight". Sugar coating it! Haha. Later he explained that he sent my blood to the oncologist & that I have to be referred elsewhere. I decided to not go yet and just wait till next year. I couldn't really take it. So much has happened the past few months for me healthwise and I just couldn't take it. Too much to worry about. I hate complaining as I know Allah has better plans for me and my family.. but during my weak moments, I couldn't help but. Astaghfirullah. All my doctors have been saying the same things, to stay positive, always stay positive, do things that make me happy.. and I have been trying.

Sometimes you just got to walk away from all the negativity and concentrate on your own iman, health and happiness because you and only you will know what is best for yourself. May Allah SWT increase our iman, bless us with good health, barakah and happiness. Aaamiin ya rabbal alamin.

Cavernoma - Pt 1

When you look up the word Cavernoma, it gives you several different explanations on what it is but mostly with similar meanings. So what is it exactly? Here's what will come up first when you look it up online.

"A cavernoma is a cluster of abnormal blood vessels, usually found in the brain and spinal cord. They're sometimes known as cavernous angiomas, cavernous hemangiomas, or cerebral cavernous malformation (CCM). A typical cavernoma looks like a raspberry”

My experience with cavernoma started in 2014. Prior to this, the word has never been brought up during my check ups, not even back in DC. In 2011, while still in DC, it happened. I fainted. Out of the blue. I just fainted. We went to Sibley Memorial Hospital and I was admitted for a day. I had to do a CT scan and the doctors said everything seemed normal & told me I was probably just tired. 

In 2013 when we got back home to Brunei, it became more and more frequent. The doctors in Brunei diagnosed me with arrythmia & tachycardia and told us we need not worry. I was born with an extra circuit in the heart apparently and this is what's causing it. I would faint a few times in a month and at one point, I fainted just while getting out of the car. So after a few more hospital trips and a few nights at the CCU, the doctors decided to perform ablation on me. I got better, Alhamdulillah. 

Mid 2014, in KL, I began to have the fainting spells again. At one time, I fainted while I was in the shower. Luckily, my husband was just outside and heard the thud. He rushed me to the nearest hospital. Again, another CT scan. The neurologist that attended to me at that time told us that there was something there on the right side of my brain but it was nothing alarming. It was just a small clot but harmless. We went back home and again left it at that. Months after, it became more and more frequent and this time accompanied by seizures so we went to see a different neurologist in a different hospital. This time I had to go do an MRI. I hate MRIs. I am terrified of the noise and the space. I hate it. We finally heard the word cavernoma. My neurologist showed us the MRI scan and pointed out that I had several clots on the right side of my brain. He did an EEG on me and it also triggered some mini seizures.  He also told us that I had to keep coming back for reviews regularly. But the worse happened. I received a message from someone back home telling me something I dreaded and all the sudden, I blacked out again...this time while I was walking along side the bed and my head had hit one of the edges of the bed. My poor husband again rushed me to the hospital and after yet another CT scan, this time the neurologist referred me to the neurosurgeon. We had to sit down with the surgeon who later told us that I should consider doing the gamma knife surgery. What it does is that it will "cushion" the clots so that it will no longer bleed. In shaa Allah.

27th August 2014 was the date of the gamma knife procedure. I was admitted the day before so they could run some blood tests and everything. I was good to go. On the day itself, the neurosurgeon and anesthesiologist came in to brief me on the procedures. 

First procedure, I was to go for a skull measurement where they would mark the areas I should be "pinned" with the head frame. Next, they put on the head frame. It took 1 doctor and 3 or 4 nurses to put it on. They injected some local anesthesia on the spots where the pins (or rather screws!) were to be inserted. Although it was numb but omg! When the screws were inserted (two on the front of my forehead and two at the back), I felt so much pressure in the head. It was definitely uncomfortable. While this was done, I could feel warm liquid trickling down my face and later found out it was blood. When I saw Rafie at the door, I couldn't help but feel so sorry for him. I had a feeling it was difficult for him to see all this and knew what was probably going on in his mind. The neurologist reassured him that this is all normal.. they just got the pins wrong and they kept having to pin and unpin hence all the blood. =/ I was so thankful that the anesthesiologist just sat infront of me, kept telling me it was all going to be alright and that I was doing good. After that I was wheeled back to my room and was told to rest before the procedure. It was very uncomfortable to lie down because of the head frame. Few hours later, I was wheeled to the MRI room. For this I was given anesthesia as it was supposed to take a while and I am claustrophobic! When I woke up, it felt like I just finished counting down from 10-1. Turned out, it was almost 2 hours later! The MRI was required so they could analyse and pin point the exact areas where the gamma knife was to be done on. Moments later, they took me to the room where the procedure was to be done. No anesthesia needed as they required me to be fully awake. I was surprised when the neurosurgeon came back and told me all was done and that I could go back to my room after they remove the head gear. In the room, I was so happy as I could finally get to eat!! The day after, I was discharged after the neurosurgeon came and told us that the procedure was successful but we will have to wait for 3-6 months to actually see results. The next few months were a bit difficult as other matters arised…which I will write about soon, in shaa Allah.

One of Rafie's aunt was there too to accompany us, Alhamdulillah. None of my family members could be there as my parents were in Jeddah at that time and my brothers were all schooling, so I was a bit sad. :( I am always  thankful that KL is only a 2 hour flight from Brunei so we occasionally get visits from relatives who will come to check up on me.

Okay, a little bit tired from all the typing! Hahaha. Thanks for reading!

Our baby stroller

My husband and I have been waiting patiently (sometimes impatiently) for 7 years to have a child to call our own, a baby to love and care for. When we got married, we both knew that we wanted to have children soon. Nothing to do with peer pressure whatsoever, but just that we both love children.

We were lucky to get pregnant a few times, Alhamdulillah.. But Allah knew it wasn't the right time for us to be parents yet, I believe. I have had several miscarriages, and it doesn't get easier every time. The heartbreak is there. The blaming; me blaming myself - could I have done something different and eventually keep the baby? But Allah knows best. =)

Back in the US, we were very positive we would get pregnant. I had a miscarriage earlier that year on due to severe stress over something so stupid. It really was stupid. But I got hopeful. As that miscarriage was the second one in a period of 2 years. So I thought, the third time will be successful. I went for fertility check up and everything seemed good. We went and did a fertility treatment (which cost us and arm and a leg and left us broke and in debt for a while) and we thought "hey! This feels right!".

It was about 1-2 months before we were due to go back home so we figured we should take advantage of the remaining months in the US to shop for stuff because if the fertility treatment worked, we would need it. LOL. We went ahead and bought a baby stroller because it's much cheaper in the US. We thought, if we don't get pregnant yet, we can always give it to any of our friends. We bought some baby clothes, all the while imagining how our future baby would look in it, boy or girl. Our friend took us to Carters at the outlet weeks before we left for good. I told my friend that they were for gifts.. Because I didn't want her to think I was weird buying baby clothes for a baby that hasn't been conceived yet. LOL.

We eventually gave all the clothes away when we got back to Brunei as the treatment was unsuccessful. But we held onto the stroller.  Now, almost 4 years since we first got the stroller, I don't know why but we both are still so hesitant to give it away. It's still there in storage at my in-laws' gathering dust. There's still that glimmer of hope that we would eventually get to use it soon. Aaamin. One day you'll see us going around with that baby stroller, with our beautiful baby in it. One day. Pray for us =)

Sorry, skin!

I have always been used to my skin being oily and I have accepted the fact that whenever I have foundation on, it will always look "dewy" when infact "oh honey, it's not the dewy effect, it's the oily effect!" It all changed last week. The husband asked me to help him get something new for his facial regime from *okay breathe* SEPHORA *breathe*. He took my hand and led me to Sephora. Girls, it felt just like one of those photos that's everywhere on instagram, twitter, tumblr, etc of the person being led to somewhere beautiful. *sigh* Too bad I never got to take the photo as I was just too gobsmacked that he actually suggested to go into Sephora. Normally, my Sephora trips consisted of him either waiting outside and playing with his phone or just standing still somewhere inside, also playing with his phone. So imagine the temporary excitement I got that day at the counter, when the cashier asked for a Sephora card, he said to me "How much should I spend to get one? Maybe I should get my own card?" *my heart skipped a beat* and then he laughed and said "I'm just joking, yang!" Don't joke over something like that, don't!

We went in and asked for recommendations from one of the Sephora girls. I have always wanted to try the Glamglow Youthcleanse Daily Exfoliating cleanser (even the name is a mouthful! LOL) so I suggested to the husband he should give it a go.. so I can borrow. Hee! Oh boy, I regret that decision now! To be fair, the SA did warn that it will cause breakouts initially & the skin will get dry so she recommended to slather on moisturizer after washing our face with the cleanser. So me, knowing how my skin is oily, decided to try give it a go that very night and forego the moisturizer! It smells amazing, btw! So I tried it on again the next night, again without the moisturizer. One week later, my face is in pain! In pain! And I am breaking out! It hurts like hish! Seriously! It's severely dry & it's peeling around the forehead, nose, cheeks, chin.. okay basically the whole face! It hurts more knowing that it's been so kind to my husband's skin and I can actually say his skin does look amazing!

I have been spraying my face with the Caudalie Grape Water every now and then when I can feel the stinging and I can safely say it helps a bit. My friend recommended me something from Lancome & I think I will go to the counter today and try to score myself some samples! I hope that I will eventually find something that can help. But for now, this post is dedicated to you my dearest skin. I am sorry. I really am. Sorry that I haven't been treating you well. Sorry that I have been exposing you to all these cleansers. I am sorry. Please feel better soon =(

Procrastination? We decide later. Haha

Typing this 15 mins before 9am. I want to say that it's going to be a productive day but I am so scared that it might actually end up with me being snuggled up in bed and binge-watching all the shows I recorded on Astro on Demand. The hubs have offered to set up his PS3 in the room so I can actually watch Netflix but no! That would lead to me saying byebye social life (what social life? LOLs).

Seriously. I need to actually get up and do something. Haha. Will update in a bit.

11.20am 
Accomplishment : Cooked indomie, watched about 10 mins of Phineas & Ferb while downing the indomie and now here I am sitting in bed. I shall now immerse myself with Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic to the Rescue! I bought the book early this year and have yet to read past page 9. Update later!

4.40pm
Accomplishment : Book still on page 14. Haha! I decided to catch up on the shows I downloaded onto my macbook & I actually fell asleep. I woke up like an hour after I think with the craziest migraine - what a day to be out of Koolfever! Normally I would patch the Koolfever pads onto my neck & my forehead, down 2 panadol extras and in an hour or so, I'd feel better. Today the panadol extras will have to do. I had my first ever seizure again last night after so long & my poor husband got so worried. I promise to actually make it a point to go see my neurologist again once Mu'izz is here.

8.27pm
Accomplishment : Nothing more. Haha. Husband made us dinner which was wonderful of him. Still down with the migraine. Amazing husband bought Koolfever for me so hopefully I'll feel much better soon.

Cotton Candy

I have this weird obsession with cotton candy. If you ask my husband why, he will probably tell you of that one time after my surgery when I was still high on drugs and I told him that I wanted to get cotton candy ice-cream! Prior to that I have never even heard of or tasted cotton candy ice-cream. So the day after I got discharged, my husband took me to Avenue K and got me cotton candy ice-cream from Baskin Robbin. Omg sooooo good!!

Lately I have been saving images from google with cotton candy themes & reminding myself constantly to print them so I can post them up on the home office wall....few weeks after, the wall is still cotton-candy-image-less. hahahaha. Okay next weekend. Maybe..

Seriously.. how pretty is that?? 

A friend of mine who I have finally told of this blog to and most probably the first person to actually read the blog, have suggested I should add photos to my posts so she can imagine what was going through when all the things I write about happened. I think that will be fun! So I shall add photos! =D

How to be happy?

This post is not really about my own solution on how to be happy but rather just what I come across when looking it up on google. LOL. So if you're looking for a solution, click the X on the right hand corner or go back to google. Haha

I am always on the look out for all these tips / suggestions on how to be happy. It's funny because I have never really tried to follow the suggestions even after looking them up. Often times I find myself getting sad over the smallest of things, like when seeing the double / triple chin in my selfies. Pfft! Other times its the big things that tears me up.. Things that I can't be bothered to bring up now. Anyways, after much time contemplating (googling "How To Be Happy" LOL), I figure I should actually start slowly. 

It's all supposed to start with ourselves, no? We shouldn't rely on others to make ourselves happy. We are responsible for our own happiness. Be grateful for what we have and also for what we don't have.. Allah SWT has a reason why He hasn't given us what we long for, right? He is the best of planners. Syukur Alhamdulillah for everything.

I also find myself always trying to please others even if it means that sometimes I will get hurt in the end. My closest friends would tell me that I let people walk all over me and treat me like a doormat. Its harsh, but true. I get hurt easily, I forgive easily.. but I don't forget so easily. I bruise easily *queue song*. Haha. But in all seriousness, I want to start standing up for myself and learn to say No. Although it's going to be hard, but I think it's time. Life is too short to spend it all on trying to please everyone around me.

LOL. I think I do this alot! I am blessed to have a husband who has a great sense of humour and who will try his best to make me laugh even when situations are tense (sometimes this can be annoying! Sorry, yang =P ) but Alhamdulillah nonetheless. 

I have no problem with spending time alone as I get to do almost every mornings til afternoon, though technically not really alone as I am always with Bella. I enjoy my time alone and as much as I love spending time with my husband, I look forward to my "me-time". I know my husband enjoys his too. We all need our "me-time"s. I would just read a book, go on pinterest, catch up on my tv shows, etc. 

Oh, there really is no problem with me and sleep. We're really on good terms. I fall asleep easily. One minute I am talking to my husband, next he hears me snore softly. His words, not mine. HAHA. I seriously don't know though how having additional time sleeping will help improve the happiness level but I'm sure it plays a part. =P

Next, it says to be kind. I know we all can attest to this that whenever we treat other people with kindness, we have that warm feeling inside. I think that warm feeling is a sign of happiness. There are many ways to be kind and also many ways to not be un-kind (or mean). I admit sometimes it's so easy to fall to the dark side and unleash the mean-ness in everyone, me namely. But I will sometimes try to snap out of it and remind myself that everyone's fighting their own battles, their inner demons, so why must I add more to it? I had this conversation with someone I'm close to the other day on how sometimes we can't help but just be mean to people who we think may have hurt us, but we also must remember.. Who are we to hold such a grudge to the point that they are all we talk about and speak ill about? It will only consume us. If we are not happy about something, talk it out, confront them, ask them. Don't just pent it up inside until you can no longer hold it and then explode. So please.. 

T-A-L-K.

The last one for me is a bit difficult. I am still unsure of my purpose here. I see all these successful people who I look up to, who I aspire to be, and I see how they love doing what they do. I am lacking in that, I think. I can get pretty passionate about something for a while and a few months later I will get bored and just quit. This has happened so many times. I really am inconsistent. But In shaa Allah, I will try my best to find a purpose, whatever it may be. And I hope whatever it is, Allah SWT will guide me and bless me on my journey. Aaaamin.

Now, what?

Well.... I haven't really tackled the main obstacle now have I? ...........

Super Ibu

The past few days have been so wonderful with Ibu and Najib being here. Initially the plan was to just go out and eat eat eat, but we actually managed to sneak in some shopping! Teehee! Ibu helped clean up the closet and the pile of washed laundry is now no longer a mountain; more like a hill? Haha. I can't believe how everything seemed doable when she's around. My beautiful super-Ibu who is so selfless. Always thinking about everyone else before she thinks about herself.

While she was here, all she could think about was what to get for Babah and the boys. Spent most of the shopping time to buy Babah's golf attire and stuff for the boys. I guess its true what they say about mothers, they always put themselves last. I hope when the time comes for me to be a mother, I will be as great as my Ibu.

May Allah SWT grant my Ibu a long healthy life and that Allah grants her doa of becoming a grandma soon. Aaamin Ya Rabbal Alamin. I can't wait for my dream of getting to see my Ibu a reality. I can't wait for us to be back in Brunei for good.

Selfish

Sometimes I wish I could just go for at least one week without getting sick but then I would slap some sense into myself and remind myself that sickness are also blessings from Allah SWT. He is reminding you that He loves you and wants to hear your doas, your prayers. And I remind myself too of this Hadith - “Whenever a Muslim is afflicted with a hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm, or depression even a thorn’s prick, Allah expiates his sins because of it” [Bukhari].

But there are times how I wish I could just go about doing what I want to do without feeling any pain. and then it seems so selfish as compared to all the blessings Allah SWT has given me. Astaghfirullah.

Hijab Journey

It has been years since I have started donning the hijab. The first time I ever felt at peace wearing the hijab was when we were back in the US. I think it's true what they say that when it's time for you to wear the hijab, Allah SWT will give you the hidayah to do so. Mine came in the forms of a few dreams. I won't mention here what my dreams were about, but my family and closest of friends know this part. It has been pointed out to me though by people who knew me, that it was funny that I actually started to wear the hijab in the US. I had some heart to heart talk with some people who I looked up to and they gave me wonderful advices about it and told me to start with a nawaitu. It had to be from the heart.

When I first started wearing it, I was very nervous. Before wearing it, whenever we go out, people would always confuse us for Filipinos and at one point, Bolivians. The latter one was funny. My husband and I were just about to step into the train from Friendship Heights; he was just talking to a random guy who was going on the same train and the guy actually asked if were Bolivians. To which we thought, huh? So he told us in this exact words, "Oh! I thought you were Bolivians, because you know.... of the height?" HAHAHAHAHAHA. It was insulting but we laughed it off. Anyways, so.. when I started to wear the hijab, I was actually pretty nervous to walk around DC. DC is known to be the hub for diplomats as the US government is based mostly in DC, so it's not surprising to see Muslim diplomats wearing the hijab.. but still. I was still so new to it. Alhamdulillah, my first few months of hijab went by so well. Then came the nasty part. I was walking with a group of friends somewhere downtown DC and some of us were wearing the hijab. We walked by a street where there were many homeless people just sitting or sleeping at the side of the street and we walked across one guy who was asking people for money. We didn't really notice it at first until he said to us as we walked passed "hey! You! I fought for your country!!" In my head, we should just walk fast to get to the nearest place. He didn't seem too happy that we were ignoring him and he then said this with disgust "You stupid muslims! I was in your country and fought for you!" We were all in shock but we walked away. When we managed to sit down somewhere, we still were pretty much taken aback by what the guy said until finally we laughed... and laughed some more. Well first, how ignorant was he to think all muslims are from the same country? But that was my first ever experience of that.

The second time was much scarier as it happened in our own neighbourhood. Our neighbourhood is known to be a very safe place as the place is prowled by police cars - it is known to be one of the more upscale neighbourhoods. I have always felt safe walking around the neighbourhood alone but not at night though. So one day, I was just walking across the street to pick up my take out;  one of my favourite dishes at the Cheesecake Factory when suddenly some guy suddenly came up to me and yelled "Go back to your country!!! We don't need more muslims here! Go back!" I was shit scared as he got really close to me with his hands just waving around in front of me. Next thing I know, I was pulled back by one guy who pulled me inside the building and another guy kept the angry guy from entering through the door. I could still hear him say "Why are you defending the Muslim???" and the usual "Go back to your country!" I was so scared so I cried. The guy who pulled me was nice enough and took me to the nearby security officer in the building and told me to stay there. He said to me "Please ignore what he said. That's his own thoughts but no one elses." I managed to smile through my sobbings. I called my husband and told him about what happened. He was in the middle of accompanying some delegates from Brunei so he couldn't get out of it and I understood. So he has asked one of the male local staffs to come pick up and send me home. The guy who pulled me into the building came again to check up on me and said this "Don't worry, they won't let him into the building. He is with them now." So he was a po-po! He asked me if I needed assistance to go back home and told him no and that I was just going to stay in there for a while. I was still hungry and had to pick up my garlic noodles from the Cheesecake Factory! LOL. One of the local staffs finally came and picked me up and sent me back home. That was the last time I have ever experienced hate from anyone towards my hijab. When I got home, I was thankful to Allah that nothing bad happened and after updating my family on what happened, I had my dinner in peace. =P When my husband got home, he had this look on worry on his face. I told him I was alright and thankful that the po-po was there in time. Much later on, I found out that he and his "guys" were NUPs! Phewh! But Alhamdulillah nevertheless. From that day onwards, I have never received any treatments as bad as that. There were still some judgemental looks here and there, but never anything as vocal as the previous two.

Anyway, those are my memories of the first year of me wearing the hijab. Alhamdulillah I have managed to always keep it on when I go out. I even wear it at home sometimes when there are people of the non-muhrims around.

I know that wearing the hijab is no big deal for most people as it comes naturally for them, but to me, it was. I still struggle in other aspects of how to become a better muslim, but I try. Pasang nawaitu, okay.

Unwell

I have days when I would just stay in our bedroom, lights off, curtains closed and tv off. These days I would just stock up on my favourite strawberry YanYan, water (loads of water!), panadol extra & koolfever! Okay, sometimes the tv will be on and I'll just watch the shows that I have recorded. Mostly Gumball & Phineas and Ferb! These are my go-to tv shows for now...... *sad* 

Well.... that day is today! I have skipped some appointments just so I can have extra sleep in time. Days like these I just wish I was back in Brunei so my ibu can manjakan me & massage my forehead. She would even let me sleep in their room and she wouldn't even mind if I asked her to sejukkan aircond. I love her and miss her! I can't wait for my parents to come over.

Clean up the cats' room  - DONE

Laundry (Stacks and stacks of it!) - MOSTLY DONE

Ironing - LOL

Throw out all the rubbish - DONE

Clean up the mini office room downstairs and maybe try convert it into the new cats' room. Atleast it's air-conditioned. We'll see.... - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Divide all the stuff that we no longer wear / use into the donate or throw boxes. - HMMMM... NOPE

Clean the carpets - NOT REALLY...

Send some stuff for dry cleaning - NOPE.....

Clean the area by the pool - WHO AM I KIDDING??

Anywhu, I slept through the morning and early afternoon so now I feel much better Alhamdulillah. I had time to go through my to-do list that I had few days ago :

Conclusion - Yes,  I was overambitious.

DIY Swiffer pads

I have posted a link to a pinterest post two days ago regarding DIY swiffer pads. I attempted to make my own again today. I decided to give it a few tweaks. For this, I used :

-8 pieces of clean white cloth
-1 cup of water
-1 cup of distilled white vinegar - white vinegar is very effective in cleaning germs and bacteria.
-a few drops of apple cider vinegar - the part time maids that help clean our place normally uses apple cider vinegar on the floor before mopping. According to them its a very good disinfectant.
-10-15 drops of essential oils (I chose Tea Tree, Grapefruit, Purification & Joy)
-2 ziplock bags
-a few drops of dishwashing soap (not in photo)

All you have to do is mix all the liquid stuff altogether in a bowl. Then place the cloths into the ziplock bags. Divide the liquids into two portions and pour each portion into both ziplock bags equally. Seal the bags and shake shake shake. 😂 this is what it will look like.

 You can't really see the liquids as all have been absorbed by the cloths. Next, you can just place them onto your Swiffers! 

The good thing about this is that all the ingredients are natural so you'll know what is going on your floors. (Update : I just read that tea tree oil is harmful for cats, so I won't be using that anymore in my swiffer pad mixtures.)

Carbonara-ish

Last night the husband went to get some ingredients for dinner. I decided to make spaghetti carbonara - the no egg recipe. The recipe called for garlic, heavy cream, butter, parmesan cheese, mushroom, beef & ofcourse the spaghetti pasta. Unfortunately he got the mozarella instead of parmesan. He felt so bad, poor guy. So these were what we had.

Fortunately it turned out alright. We could smell the difference tho as the mozarella we know and love normally comes on top of pizza, lasagna or ontop of the normal spaghetti dishes. He said it tasted good..different, but good. LOL.

This is how it turned out.

A little too cheesy for my liking. One thing for sure, we will never use mozarella ever again for carbonara. Heee!

The financial challenge

It's been almost two years since we have started living in KL and we do realise that we still have not managed to save as much as we'd like. Could it be that we have been living right next to Suria KLCC for almost a year now? Or the fact that we order in almost everyday? Or that we rely heavily on the taxi services? Or that everything is so expensive here? Or that we really just don't plan our finances properly? We don't even have children yet and here we are, trying hard to save up monthly for that rainy day.

I have decided that March will be the month I try to curb my spending (Ask me again by middle of March). I figured we don't really need the weekly maid service since we are trying to minimalise our home; everything we don't need will be boxed up and be put in the store. So, less stuff, less dirt to clean, right? Right! I am still in my 3 day challenge to clean up the house and trying to check everything on the checklist I created yesterday. So far, no good. Here I am just typing away, while sitting comfortable in our humongous sofa watching Sex and The City on Netflix. I promise myself tomorrow will be more productive. It was supposed to start today but we ended up going to Pavi at noon, had nasi ayam for lunch, had reflexology at Kenko and spent a good amount of time browsing through Daiso (scored some stuff for more of my DIY household cleaning chores! Woot!) ok wait....the good part at SATC is coming up! not the part where Samantha had new neighbours! hahaha the whole Carrie getting stood up at the wedding bit! ok now it's stuck to this part! story of my life!

Anywhu! Back in Pavilion, we went into Parkson and actually looked at the dining section; plates, glasses, the works! We felt so grown up! LOL! We decided that we would get some new china this coming payday. Well.. we would have to now rethink that since I just thought of this whole less spending challenge.. but it was nice to gaze and dream of all the dinner hosting we would do.

Okay the Mister is back from getting groceries for our carbonara dinner! Bye.

Swiffer no more

My sleeping pattern has been way off for a while now. I would fall asleep past midnight and I can say that the astro being in the room is highly contributing to this. I had a conversation with one of the ladies here about sleep and she mentioned how she is pretty disciplined in her sleep timings. She would already be off to dreamland by 9.30pm. My mind was blown away! How? She said that she would switch off the tv at a certain time and then she would doze off. I wish I could do that! My husband and I, we both need that in our lives. I think if we were to have enough sleep, we both would be more energised in the mornings, more fit to go through about our daily lives and maybe would even get stressed less.

So I will try to put that to the test....obviously won't start tonight as it is almost midnight and here I am on Pinterest, browsing through ikea, blogging, watching Second Chance on Fox & at the same time wondering what our plans are for tomorrow. I've mentioned to my husband that I'd like to go out after we finish cleaning up. laughs... Cleaning up is definitely hard in our household. We have ALOT of stuff that needs to be organised. We have the boxes, we have the labels, we have the time, but what we don't have is the motivation to actually get everything done pronto. Okay, so maybe that's another thing that needs to be put to test. Thanks to the New Year holidays, my husband will be free from work till Tuesday so we have three more days to attempt to finish cleaning up the house! I must say we did a good job today. We've cleaned up the master bedroom and bathroom! *good job R&L!* 

Thanks to this pin on Pinterest, I actually managed to make my own Swiffer pads! I have always been a fan of Swiffer products ever since i first laid eyes on it while going through Giant in the US. I never did like to do household chores, especially mopping! So when my husband and I got our first Swiffer Wet Jet for our little apartment in DC, I got abit rajin. a. bit. LOL. We even bought some extras when we did our last minute shoppings before going back to Brunei for good. I had a joke with some of friends on one of my last days in DC while we were having one of my farewell lunches, that they have to now become Swiffer agents and have to ship them back to Brunei for me...at that time, I was very serious! When we got to KL for our next posting, I was happy to find a similar product since I left my Swiffer back in Brunei. After using them a few times, I was disappointed that it was not as good as the Swiffer. So I eventually stopped using it and went back to the conventional mop & pail. Boo! That was until I saw the pin a few days ago and today I finally decided to give it a go! I had all the requirements!

• White vinegar - check
• Distilled water - check
• Cloths - check
• Ziplock bag - check!

I am happy to say that I have found a somewhat slightly similar version of the Swiffer Sweeper wet pads! Woot! They work so well too..and I can just wash the cloths and re-use them! 

So now I can try to tackle the very hard to do tiles in the living room tomorrow! Here's what we actually have to finish within the next three days :

• Clean up the cats' room 
• Laundry (Stacks and stacks of it!)
• Ironing
• Throw out all the rubbish
• Clean up the mini office room downstairs and maybe try convert it into the new cats' room. Atleast it's air-conditioned. We'll see....
• Divide all the stuff that we no longer wear / use into the donate or throw boxes.
• Clean the carpets
• Send some stuff for dry cleaning
• Clean the area by the pool

Overambitious? I think so! I had to stop typing down more because I got a little overwhelmed! LOL!

It's basically tomorrow now.. today? Anyways! Gonna attempt to get some sleep now and pray that I won't have nightmares about cleaning up the house again.

Archie alternative

Typing this as I wait in the hospital for my next appointment. I am glad I brought along my macbook. Normally I would just get an Archie or whatever new books they have at the tuck shop and read, but thought I'd save money today and just go online...and browse through online shops (save money? say whaaaa?)

I have been thinking of getting this day bed for my office for so long! I figure it would go nice in the home office for days when I just want to read a book in the office or watch my tv series. SOOOO productive huh? Just this morning my husband mentioned that he wants to turn the office into a home office / prayer room where we can mengaji too. I love the idea and that got me to pinterest! LOL! So many ideas. I know what to do now in my spare time.

Okay, going now!

Obsession over cosmetics

It's not normal I tell you. My obsession with cosmetics started when I was so young! I remember playing with my ibu's lipsticks back when we used to live in Sumbiling and I was still sleeping in my parents' room. I would sit down on her vanity area and play with her makeup while she's at work. Ibu would come back home with a clown of a daughter with lipstick smudges all over my face! To this day, I still feel bad for ruining lots and lots of her makeup but I make it all up to her by buying her makeup every now and then.

Back when we were still in DC, I would send her packages every other month, filled with goodies including makeup from CVS, Sephora or MAC. (She now has more makeup than me!!!!! =P ) We were lucky enough to have the outlets back in DC that sells MAC cosmetics for a fraction of the price and I would go crazy there stocking up on goodies for Ibu and I. This might sound silly but I had a lingerie drawer which I used to store my make up and I had plenty still in their boxes unopened that I actually started selling most of them off or give some to my friends in DC. Whenever MAC releases their limited edition goodies came out, my friends at MAC would text me to let me know. Our second apartment in DC was just a few minutes walk to a MAC store so we would drop by often...often enough that I made two good friends there; Thu & April. The MAC store was right next to one of the entrances to go to the Friendship Heights metro station so we pass by it almost everyday that my husband sometimes would opt for us to go all the way across to Mazza Gallerie (the other entrance to the Friendship Heights metro station) so we will avoid passing by the MAC store! =P He has no faith in me. LOL! Oh! MAC is also only two shops away from Sephora! CVS is right across the street in Chevy Chase Pavilion. Sigh! I miss Friendship Heights.

The MAC store next to the Friendship Heights station.

The Sephora store two doors away from MAC. *sigh* i miss...

When we got back home to Brunei, I had a little breather since there were not many options for makeup. But when we got to Malaysia, ohmy! On my first week, I thought I could be good and only buy what was necessary. My Laura Mercier Silk Creme foundation was almost empty so I thought I would just go in to get it and get out. So I did just that......and also walked away with a  few other stuff. LOL. Skip almost two years to today, I still have the same obsession with buying cosmetics as I did back in DC almost 8 years ago...but I have managed to tone down and only buy what I need... HAHAHAHAHA. Okay I couldn't even type it with a straight face! =P I know my obsession will eventually die down. But for now, I shall try my best to refrain myself from getting unnecessary stuff!

Teamwork and then some.

The only thing consistent with me is my inconsistency. It has been two weeks since my last post! It has been a very busy two weeks & I have learnt so much; mostly on teamwork. I believe that anything can go well with great teamwork and it has been proven in the past two week.

We had our first coffee morning organised by our ladies whereby we have invited around 80 ladies to a coffee morning session with two presentations by two well known presenters ; 1) floral arrangement and 2) the art of table setting. The day went by so fast and it was very obvious that all the preparations and hard work didn't go in vain. Alhamdulillah. Teamwork was the key and we are blessed to have a few ladies who are very dedicated in making the event a great one and being led by a very hard working and even more dedicated patron who have done everything she can to ensure everything goes smooth. I sometimes wonder where she gets all the energy from. I reckon when someone is as passionate as she is, all the energy will come from within.

One event down and we are now onto the next! Something on a slightly bigger scale that will require more dedication and commitment. (T minus 25 days!!!!) We spent a good amount of hours today just doing research, meeting key people who can assist us and also discussed on what to expect during those days. It didn't help that I started my morning with waking up to a migraine but it didn't deter my spirit as I know that all the other ladies are taking time out of their schedule for this too. Thankful that I pushed myself to go as I got to visit Masjid Putra (Putra Mosque) in Putrajaya! Managed to even squeeze a Sangkaya splurge with the ladies! LOL!

Something to look forward to - the 4 day weekend! My husband and I planned to just stay home & clean. Oh!!! My first session with my personal trainer this year starts next week. I need all the luck I can get! Need to shed all these *ahem* cuteness off!

Normal one only

Three weeks into my cough & flu, finally we decided to go to the big guys - Prince Court. Not that I haven't gone to see the doctor yet; I went to see one while back in Brunei who told me that it was just normal cough & flu due to the "season" even when I told him that it's been so bad. He insisted it was just the "normal one only". So, we went to one hospital in KL yesterday after a whole night of squirming in pain (my whole body was in pain! first it got real cold, then warm, then real cold!) and I informed the doctor of my three weeks of coughing so he looked worried. He told me he needed some blood sample (just for precautions as dengue fever is on the rise again) and a urine test to make sure I wasn't pregnant since he wanted me to go for a chest x-ray.

I hate needles.. I hate needles.. I hate needles... but I remember some dzikir my mum taught me and I recited it in my head while the nurse who obviously knows that I am not a fan of needles.. (who is?) chatted me up to try get my mind off it.

Me in my head : Eh why is she wiping that area? Shouldn't she be wiping alcohol on the inside of my elbow? Why is she wiping the area above my thumb? Excu.....

Nurse as she inserted the needle : There.. Just take a deep breath..

Me in my head : That's it. It's her first day at work. 

Nurse : Is it painful?

Me in my head : Very!!!! What do you think??? You punctured the wrong place! 

Me : A bit

My husband suddenly popped in (and probably sees his dramatic wife's face in agony) : Oh! Why there?

Nurse : I have to do it here because incase we need more blood or incase she gets admitted, it is easier. Oh let me help you with the panadol (temperature earlier was 39)

Me in my head : Okay... it's not her first day. I like her now.

Me : Thank you.

I told her that my body ached from sitting and she immediately said she will find me a bed but that they were full and that she will try her best. I like her a lot. After a few minutes she came back in and told my husband and I to follow her and she gave me a day ward room so I could lie down. It was a nice one too! I reeeeally like her. She told us it would be hours before the doctor could come see me as they have to wait for the lab results. I genuinely & honestly didn't mind as the bed was comfortable. So i slept for a bit and only got woken up when the nurse tried to take my temperature. 38.9. Still warm.. Maybe the panadol hasn't kicked in yet. So i slept some more and woken up again. 38.7! Yes! The next temp check it was 37.9. Panadol did its job!

Doctor came in after a while and told us that I have a viral chest infection and it caused my white blood count to shoot up.

Me in my head : Hah! Take that doctor at S Clinic! "Normal one only"

Doctor said I can skip the x-ray as well as I tested negative for dengue. Alhamdulillah. He discharged me and told me to have plenty of rest and that I could spread the virus through my coughing so I must take precautions.

As we went back home I just realised my husband; who have told me earlier in the morning that he had plenty of work to finish in the office, has missed out more than half a day of work because of me. No wonder he looked worried the entire time...but he did his best to not show to me. He's made plenty of sacrifices for the sake of my health. I am thankful to Allah for giving me such a caring husband. Alhamdulillah.

A mama to 10 cats

After being married for almost 8 years & several miscarriages, our lives can get pretty lonely. Even when we were just metres apart minding our own business, we still get pretty lonely. I felt it... and I know he felt it too. Back in the USA, all our friends had children. We would get all happy when we get to see their children and spend time with them.. then when we get back to our small little apartment, we both couldn't help but feel that tinge of sadness.

The only time in the US when our lives felt whole was when we "babysat" for our colleague's cat for a few weeks! Alhamdulillah, I was overjoyed! Every time we went out, we couldn't wait to get back home to get to lil S and every time we get back, he would be by the door waiting for us! When we had to say good bye to him when our colleagues got back, we both knew what we wanted to do : go for cat adoption! We searched and searched for adoption centres and found one merely 5 minutes away from us in Tenleytown. We found the perfect kitten, arranged for an interview & a home visit by the owner of the pet store (the process was very thorough! It was a real adoption process!) and we were set....or so we thought! After a few days, we finally had to snap back to reality, crunch up the numbers and weighed in on the responsibilities of having a cat in the small apartment. We calculated costs of transporting back the cat when we eventually have to return back to Brunei and we figured out we couldn't really afford it. As much as we loved the idea of having a little critter to take care of and make our home feel whole.. we couldn't bear the thought of getting attached to it and then having to leave it back in the US just because we can't afford to bring him back home. So, we gave up on that and moved on with our lives... slowly.

When we got back to Brunei about a year after, we were so happy to know that my family still had plenty of cats going around the house and my in-laws had two cats at home too. But somehow, my heart didn't yearn for them as much. Because they weren't mine.  ( Eseh! =P ) After a year in Brunei and another miscarriage, we were sent to another country for work. I didn't give it much thought. I knew there and then that I wanted to get a cat.

On our second week here, I took my husband, brother & sister in law out to one of the malls in KL knowing at the back of my mind that I would buy my cat that day...I just didn't know yet if I would fall in love with a small kitten or a grown cat. I was too eager to go to the pet store but I had to play it cool. We all agreed to watch "300 : Rise of an Empire" so we got tickets. After that I suggested to everyone that we take a look at the pet store which so happens to be on the same floor =P

When we looked into the cats section... I saw a beautiful orange kitten and fell in love. I thought about the price, thought to myself that it was reasonable and begged for my husband to agree. He didn't budge. I was heartbroken but I didn't give up. While looking around again, I saw her. She was so small..so adorable...... she looked confused. I asked one of the shop assistants if I could hold her. I did and looked at my husband. He didn't disagree, but didn't look too happy about it either. He told me it was up to me as I was paying for the cat. Happily I told the shop assistant, "I'm getting her!" We paid for her, bought her some toys, food, litter box and her carrier. I totally forgot about the movie we were about to go see. So we told the shop assistants that we would be back for her. Throughout the movie my mind was on the kitten that we will be bringing back home and paid not much attention to the movie... Throughout the movie, it showed how the Persians were bad! So I thought to myself.

"Oh no! Is this a sign? The kitten is persian! Is this a sign I shouldn't get her?" I told my brother and sister in law this after the movie and they laughed at me! I thought "okay.. see Liyana? You were just being silly!" and happily glided to the pet store. =P

As we reached the pet store, one of the SA's picked up the kitten and passed her to us and I happily took the pet carrier from her. Upon arriving to the temporary apartment, we let her roam free but she was too scared and preferred to sit down below the sofa. My husband after playing with her for a few minutes have somehow fallen for the kitten too. He asked me what should we name her and I thought of Bella. This was Bella when she was with us for less than a week.

And look at her now.... =)

Almost two years later, she's now a mama to 11 living kittens (3 given away to friends here). We currently have 10 cats altogether in our humble abode. Our home is full of love.. and in shaa Allah will be filled with more love soon. Aaamin =)

Our cats fill our lives with so much joy.... and pee...... and poo! LOL! But we wouldn't have it any other way. We love them and they love us. We know they do =)

The "what ifs" and "if only's"

Plenty of times where I will be sitting or lying down and just ponder on all the "what ifs".

- What if I had spent more time studying for the A levels instead of spending all those time daydreaming, going out with friends and whatever it was that I don't even remember doing? (nothing naughty! =P) 

- What if I didn't skip that one year to work for the bank?

- What if I chose to just go to UBD and take that road to teaching?

- What if I had not listened to my boss at the bank when he advised me to go take the opportunity to do my further studies instead of wasting my time working where I know in my heart was not meant for me?

- What if I had never joined the ITB BKP and never met my husband?

- What if I had chosen a different career?

....................................................

Then I realised... I wouldn't have gotten all the other opportunities that I would have never imagined getting in life. Allah SWT knows best after all. Sometimes I take that for granted, I admit. I am only human. Humans tend to take these things for granted. All of Allah SWT's plans are always beautiful and the plans He laid out for us, has been set for us long before we were born.

Then I start to think of the "If Only's".

- If only I had spent most of time doing ibadah..

- If only I made the most out of my time in Mekah & Medinah..

- If only I made the most out of my time in the USA too (3 + years and we didn't manage to go many places)..

- If only I have stayed out of all the negativity in life..

- If only I have started saving up way earlier in life..

- If only I had learnt how to filter out friends way back when...

.................................................

Then I realised... I am only human =P I make mistakes and for every mistakes, there is a lesson learnt in shaa Allah.