Noone to talk to? Talk to Him.

There are times when you wish you can just reach out to someone and let all your worries, fears, doubts go away and often times the people around you who are within reach physically are somehow not emotionally and mentally within reach. Not everyone will want to make the effort, simply because they do not want to get tangled up with anything they deem uncomfortable. You can't blame them.. Not everyone has empathy and not everyone can sympathize with your plight. Some people will shut you out and will only focus on what matters to them no matter how much you try and let your feelings known. People will turn you away.. but Allah SWT will not.

Prayer can change everything. Work on your relationship with Allah and Allah will fix your affairs. Trust in Him. 

People will disappoint you... even those you love and who you would give up anything for.. but Allah SWT will not. Allah SWT will test you, but no tests will go unrewarded.

So be patient.. For even if you are not rewarded in this life, in shaa Allah you will be rewarded in the Hereafter.  In shaa Allah.. Aamiin ya Rabbal alamin.

Finding Li

Have you ever felt so lost that you think that you won't be able to find your own way back? And to make matters worse, it was you yourself who wandered around into the darkness, wanting to hide in the first place. I believe everyone, at some point in time wishes that they could just hide - we all need to hide sometimes... just crawl into our mind, that very private space and just be alone with our thoughts. Some may choose to stay, while some waited to be found by anyone who wanted to find us. I came across this quote online by D.W Winnicott  -"It is a joy to be hidden and disaster not to be found." (I actually typed this paragraph almost two weeks ago but didn't actually know how to continue it, till today).

Today, after some debate with myself (that probably lasted more than half an hour), I chose to go out and enjoy myself.. I chose to not be hidden. I chose to be found... or rather slowly find myself (my husband, after reading this draft joked about how my instagram handle is @liyanaishere and how the blog title is so contradicting. LOL)

I went to Avenue K and had breakfast alone at la juiceria, opted for the "nasi ayam". It took me a while to decide on whether I should have breakfast at The Loaf instead as it was just right across La juiceria. I could have had pasta at The Loaf. Mmmm... pasta.. But I reminded myself that I need to start my morning right. I actually enjoyed eating alone. I was in no hurry to go anywhere else so I took my time and just simply ate.

As I walked out and headed to klcc, I came across one of the regular buskers at the AK Buskers corner, who always plays soothing flute music that always reminds me of the rainforest, I don't know why. I chose to just stay and enjoy the music for a bit.

One of my favourite places to go to when I go out alone is Kinokuniya - I could spend hours in there just browsing and reading. I love the smell of books. I love looking at stationeries. Those who know me well enough know that I hoard notebooks, journals, coloured pens, post-it notes (yes...those too!) etc .... I need help. Really. While I was browsing through the health section. Laughs. The self help section was just on the opposite side.. "it doesn't hurt to look," I thought to myself. We all need help, don't we? Just infront of me was another book on minimalism with the title "goodbye, things". Hmmm.... Could this be the help I needed? With a little bit of satisfaction, I brought the book to the cashier. "see.. I will only walk out of this store with ONE book. My minimalism journey has begun.. oooh.. Archie!" *smacks forehead* so okay, I walked out with TWO items today. Good enough.

I decided to go to Uniqlo to check out the t-shirts.. Always in the hopes of finding that Jollibee t-shirt, but always walking out empty handed. Sigh. Tried my luck again today, but failed. Deep sigh. But what was most interesting about my visit to Uniqlo was when one Indian lady came up to me and said "You only smile outside, but not inside".. to which I awkwardly replied "Oh, okay thanks". I noticed her earlier before I set foot into Uniqlo as she was standing right outside with some paperbags at her feet. So I was surprised to see her, paperbags in tow. I pointed at the Airism area so to make it seem like I wanted to look at the Airism stuff and off I went to prevent it from getting more awkward. I got my phone out and text my husband and told him about how this random lady who told me to smile. He replied and said "you know how some people can read auras? What if she could see that you were sad on the inside?". I immediately went out to Uniqlo through the other exit and went to Isetan so I could try to absorb what the mister said. How random would it be if that was exactly what she was trying to say? Or rather she probably saw me looking so blurred while walking into Uniqlo while thinking of how to continue my 'minimalism journey' and get that Jollibee t-shirt at the same time.  😅

When I got home, all I could think of was what that lady said and I thought of how it probably could relate to what I have saved under drafts - the first paragraph. I realise that I am often not able to really show my real emotions and instead having to hide it behind smiles and laughter. Only few days ago at our reception at Hyatt, two of the locally engaged staffs (who are currently working at the High Comm and who I often get to meet at official events or whenever I visit the office) asked me how I was. One of them knew how I was at the hospital some time last week and asked me if I was already okay. I told them that everything is still the same - still the on and off pain, the hospital visits, the meds etc. So when kak Mahani (one of the LES) said "Cik Liyana, dari dulu dah kalau sakit tak pernah tunjukkan yang cik Liyana sakit. Selalu je tersenyum dan ketawa". I tried so hard not to cry as she and the other lady hugged me as I was on my way to JP Teres to grab some lunch after our rehearsals. I couldn't even bring myself to say thank you because I was too taken aback by their hugs and kind words. All I could say was that I was hungry and needed to go to JP Teres. 😔

I have always felt that if I open up to people (other than my mom, R and my brother) about how I really felt, the pain that comes and goes, everyone will find it awkward and not know how to be around me. What sucks is that on top of all that, I still struggle with anxiety and the occasional depression. I am quite the package huh? 😂  My husband is sooooo lucky. Hahahaha. On a serious note, he now encourages me to talk about how I feel, emotionally and physically.

But, today. Today. Today was actually not so bad. I am so happy I listened to myself and went out. The mister took me out to the park, after he got back home from work. We ran (well I mostly did a lot of brisk walking instead of running) 3 and a half rounds around the park. I felt so great! We ended the night by going to DOME for dinner. Hahaha. We talked about taking the whole eating healthy step seriously. We talked about going for yoga together. We talked about me doing more stuff that will help with my anxiety. I love him for always wanting what's best for me. Thank you. I know you'll be reading this.

One day at a time.

I am currently just sitting down in my mini home office and just pondering on what I have written sometime last month ago - the hiatus and think it's finally time to act on it. I have been so caught up with social media (instagram & facebook mostly) that sometimes I have to remind myself to put my phone down and just enjoy my day in the real world. As I mentioned in the post,  I tend to question myself whenever I see everyone's posts on instagram - all the baby photos, friends' travels, etc.. Which is seriously such a terrible thing for me to do and would probably make me seem ungrateful for all His blessings. I need to also remind myself to just be in the moment, appreciate my surroundings and be constantly grateful that I have a supportive family who will always pull me out of my worries and anxiety.

Depression is an ugly thing. I do not want to get back to that state of mind and having to rely on medications, frequent changing of medications to suit what was best for me.. it was really tiring. It drained me. I do NOT want that. So I told R that it was time. It might sound like a small step, but to me (someone who checks her instagram first thing in the morning and last thing before dozing off at night)..........

(because.. why not?) 😂

I need to stay away from social media for a while. It does not help that dUCk keeps releasing new stuff every other day. LOL! Maybe this will help me actually save money...Bahahaha.. Okay, but seriously. Need to stay away.

A few weeks ago, the Bruneian ladies had a farewell lunch for ka Hjh Mas with some of our Indonesian sisters. One of the ladies offered to take us to yoga class. I was complaining about my frequent headaches, the constant pain every single time I wake up..  She said yoga might be able to help. So I told R of my intention to finally take up yoga. He was so supportive and started browsing online, looking for nearby classes and he found one just 5 mins away from us. We start this Sunday! Wish us luck! =P

I am also trying my best to cut down on my salt intake as I have been constantly told that it probably has contributed to my migraines. Red meat has also been pointed out. Ahh....... red meat. I have bought two books to sort of help me out with eating healthy - Living Gluten-Free for Dummies and The New Atkins workbook. If I could find the receipts for both books, it would probably tell you that both books were bought sometime last year... and they both are still in perfect condition - untouched! Hahaha. It's time to dust off the books and get serious (munches on the oreos that R left on the computer desk as I type this) 😜

But seriously. Yoga. Cutting down my salt intake. And red meat. Sigh. Slowly.

Hiatus

Do you ever get the feeling that the rest of the world is moving so quickly around you? You see everyone you know just keep succeeding in everything they do, tackling every obstacles along their paths and doing so graciously while they're at it... and there you are just moving at a glacial pace while trying to catch up with everyone?

In this fast-paced world, I find it hard to keep up with anything.. I used to be able to handle it so well. I was a pro in putting up a facade and pretend that I understood everything. Nowadays, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I crawl back into my shell and just watch the world go by without me.

I have finally figured out that I need to take a break from everything. I need to reassess everything -  focus on myself, my own health and well-being, my own happiness. It is hard to do so when I have to keep up with the rest of the world and at the same time take care of my own self too. I do get happy seeing all my friends and family happy don't get me wrong, but I can't help but question my own happiness.. which is just not right. I love seeing all the photos of babies and I get this warm feeling whenever I see my friends and family upload photos of their children, yet at the same time, I feel sad thinking how empty my arms are and how its longing to hold a baby in its embrace. I know that I should focus on all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and Alhamdulillah, there has been many... but when it seems that people around you keep reminding you (sometimes subtly.. sometimes not so) that you are less of a woman when you are childless, you can't help but feel empty.

I want to learn to love myself again and be happy with just being me. I need to focus on getting healthy, so my husband and the rest of my family won't have to worry about me all the time.

Doa for me?

Love, Me.

Adoption

The Mister and I have always toyed with the idea of adopting a baby. While we were in the US, in our third year of marriage and before IVF ever came to mind, we had our first talk on adoption.

I had my second miscarriage sometime during our first year in DC (the first one was during our first year of marriage, while we were still in Brunei) but at that time we refrained ourselves from telling any of our family members back home as we didn't want them to worry. We had days where we would just sit down in silence thinking about the miscarriage but we also had some better days where we would just go stroll around our neighbourhood, go on random trips to NY.. basically just enjoying ourselves and each other's company. Eventually, I ended up telling my sister-in-law of our situation and how the mister and I were having a hard time coping with the loss (and the unnecessary drama at that time involving old friends.. LOL!) so my in-laws without any hesitation decided to buy tickets and made the necessary arrangements to fly all the way to DC to visit us. When they arrived, all our troubles and worries melted away.....except for the snow. This was during the Snowmageddon of 2010, y'all! LOL

Okay, I sidetracked... as usual.

To be honest, the idea of adoption started after our first trip back home to Brunei in 2011, after being away for 18 months. At times, we were greeted with all the usual questions from well-meaning family and friends. What they didn't know (or probably did) was that all these provoking questions made our reunions with them awkward. We didn't have the answers to "belum lagi ada baby/no baby yet?" "bilatah ada baby/when will you have a baby?". To our surprise, we also received tips on conceiving (bahhahahahhaah), advice on not to do family planning, go for traditional massages, etc. That was when we started to ask ourselves, "should we be worried?".

When we got back to DC, the mister and I finally talked about adoption and decided to weigh in all the pros and cons. Since we were very far away from home at that time, we tried to also account for all the logistics (flying back and forth to Brunei to settle any necessary issues regarding the potential adoption, etc) and since our list was filled mostly with cons, we thought it was best to forgo on the idea. We went for check ups and eventually decided on IVF (which took a toll on us physically, mentally and financially) but only to end up with unsuccessful sessions. Allah knows best and we believed it was not our time yet to have children so all we could do was redha.

As soon as we set foot back on Brunei soil after our term in DC ended, we abandoned all talks of babies as we were still dealing with all the moving and recent unsuccessful IVF. We decided to focus on work and spending quality time with our family and friends. It was only months later when my bestfriends, who were also trying to conceive at that time too, decided for us to share our TTC journey. We did our best to get healthier together and went for regular check ups at the clinic. Alhamdulillah, we all got pregnant (though not at the same time). They both had successful pregnancies and I couldn't be more than happy for both of them. The mister and I decided to take a break from the TTC journey and just go on holiday and at the same time, visit my aunt who was at that time posted in Manila. What I didn't know at that time was that I was already pregnant. Our first two days in Manila was spent staying indoors mostly as I was constantly nauseous and we all thought I had food poisoning. It was only days later, after a trip to Subic with my aunt, I realised something was wrong. The vomiting and diarrhea (TMI, sorry!) were so bad and I had my period at the same time...or so I thought. What accompanied it was also unbearable stomach pain which I thought was due to the heavy period with the unusually large blood clots. When we went back to Brunei, I decided to go for another check up. I showed the doctor photos of the large blood clots that I took of while in Manila (I know, ewww!) and she did a test on me and confirmed that I recently had a miscarriage so I had to undergo a d&c. My husband and I were both devastated. Had we known I was pregnant, we wouldn't have gone on the trip.. but Allah is the best planner. Months later, we were given news that we were to be posted to KL, so we thought it was best to end the TTC journey for the time being and focus on our move to KL.

After more than two years living in KL (and yet another miscarriage), we finally decided it was the right time to adopt and we were more than ready to be parents. We both love children. We have always loved being around children. It had nothing to do with peer pressure. Nothing to do with being envious of all the amazing friends and families who are blessed with being amazing parents. We just knew we wanted to be parents more than ever. We just know that we have so much love to give and our poor, annoyed cats are always on the receiving end of all those excess love. LOL!!!

So, when I received a call a while back from a friend here (let's call her Far), I couldn't be happier!! She knows of my TTC journey, my miscarriages and depression I endured not long after my tumor in 2014 (another story). She told me that her cousin (let's call her Ayu) who is currently pregnant with her 4th and 5th child (yes, twins!!) and is due end of July, is looking for a couple who would like to adopt one of the babies. Ayu's husband apparently is still an undergrad student and they agreed that they couldn't afford to raise two more children.

Far told her cousin of our situation and according to her, Ayu believed that we could be great parents to one of her unborn child. When I first broke the news to the mister, he was abit skeptic but after I told him all the details and all our arrangements to go for the ultrasound appointments, he eventually let down his guard and warmed up to the idea. One thing we agreed on was that we won't tell anyone until everything was set in stone or better yet, once the baby is in our hands. We were going to find out all the necessary procedures and contact the relevant authorities to ask about adopting a child from abroad but we knew it was not impossible. So... I told my bestfriend, Vi. HAHAHA. I couldn't keep it from her. She shared my excitement and told me she wanted to be in KL when the baby is born. What I love about Vi is that she keeps me grounded. She asked all the necessary questions - all the what's, why's, how's and etc. "Will the child know who the real parents are?", "Will the parents want to see the child again?", "Why are they splitting up the twins? You think this is some Jackie Chan movie?" LOL!! ....and all those other questions.

After the ultrasound and talks with Ayu personally, I knew my heart was set. I was in love with the baby.. I know it sounds silly because at that time, I didn't even know which one would be mine... During our trip back home to Brunei recently, it took alot for me to not randomly burst into song and tell our family of the adoption. The mister and I kept reminding ourselves that anything could happen and what if Ayu decides to keep the baby. It got me nervous but I kept in touch with Ayu to check up on her and everything seemed great. The day after my birthday, she greeted me by sending me the recent ultrasound photo with the caption "Happy birthday, mommy! Love, baby A and my twin". I think my body went on autopilot throughout the day because all my mind could think of was that the mister and I would most probably be parents in a month's time. Before I  left for KL, Vi and I got all sappy with our goodbyes - I said to her "the next time you see me, I will be a mother!" and we got more emo. Hahaha.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. Last Sunday, Ayu texted to say she and the husband are both very sorry but they have decided to give the baby away to a Malaysian, so it is easier for them to see the child when need be. (???) Of course they have every right to want that as the child is rightfully theirs but I thought we have covered all these. My heart broke into pieces. I have asked her all these questions before and she has always told me that it didn't matter because she knew we would take good care of the child and raise her well. When I broke the news to the mister, he handled it pretty well. He told me somehow he knew the mother would eventually change her mind, because things just don't come that easy. We made the right decision to not involve our families initially. It would have been harder if everyone were emotionally involved. I only managed to open up to my ibu about it today (after typing, editing, deleting, re-typing for the past two days) as I didn't know how to tell her and I really needed to hear words of comfort from her. Ibu, as always, knew the right words to say to make me feel better.. always <3

I don't know if we will jump on the adoption idea again anytime soon, but I believe in my heart that the mister and I will one day make great parents. Sometimes I feel that we already are parents... Just without children. Yet. =)

Decluttering - round 3?

I have had my other instagram account (@liyanadeclutters) where I sell my preloved items as means of decluttering, for a few months now and I still feel so hesitant to update it constantly. But I finally caught a glimpse of the book that has been on my shelf for so long - The Joy of Less - yesterday and it got me motivated again to declutter. I went on a youtube binge this morning and watched some videos on minimalism and I am inspired more than ever.. So I thought, this coming week will be crucial, as I would get so lazy during the fasting month and if I were to only start then, it would keep dragging on and basically the whole process would most probably start weeks after Raya. =P I promised myself that I will start sorting things out again on Wednesday.

I just noticed that I have way too many boxes lying around at home so I thought of gathering all the useless items and separate the recyclable ones from the normal ones. Some clothes are going to the H&M recycle bin. Did you know you can get discount vouchers from H&M when you bring in used clothes or any textiles?

Throughout the past year, I have bought a few bags from Sometime and I realised I don't need more than two of the same designs. I used to think I needed different colours of the same design to coordinate with my outfits..but I have noticed that I now only use the same few bags. Some have been given to my family and friends while some I have sold on my instagram account. I have a few more than I am selling..because I don't need three baby bastabags of similar colours. LOL. It hurts to even type it. Hahaha.

Next, the many books on the shelves will also need to go to new homes because I feel that the books need to be read and not just serve as decoration (the current situation in our home). The books need to serve its purpose so they really must go. I also have too many unused notebooks that I have hoarded the past few years. Everytime I enter Typo or basically any stationery store, my heart beats so fast whenever I see new notebooks. "I can write my expenses in this and keep track of my daily meal plan in this other one" - one of the lies I tell myself. Then, there's the washi tapes! Oh the washi tapes. What was I thinking? I probably have over a hundred of them. Whenever I thought of decorating my planner, I go online and look up washi tapes and buy them, all the while ignoring the growing amount that I store in my box. #liyanathehoarder

Lastly, I know this time I have to include my dUCkscarves. While tidying up my closet, I have to painfully admit that I have more than I need. Altogether, I have bought 10 sets of the dUCk hangers (equivalent to 50 hangers) and I found that I still need 4 more sets to get all the scarves individually hanged. How did I end up with more than 70 dUCks?  I *heart pain* have to part ways with a few. I know that I will never part with the fluffs (Loooooove!!), jerseys & LEs so I think most of the satin silks, matte satin silks, mixed crepes, georgettes would have to go. In shaa Allah I will be strong enough to decide which ones. I need to send them for dry cleaning first I guess before selling them.

Anyway.. Good luck, Liyana! You need it. =(

When forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.

Throughout my 31 years of life, I know I have made many mistakes, one of it is hurting people with or without the intention to, directly or indirectly. I am a flawed human. But I have learnt to ask for forgiveness from everyone and I am also now able to forgive everyone and myself easily.

I sometimes think that I forgive too easily. I can wake up the next day as if nothing has happened and carry on with my relationship with anyone who has hurt me the day before. It may appear that all is well on the surface, but sometimes I still carry the anger or hurt inside all the while putting on a facade. So I finally realised, it really isn't forgiveness.. It is just burying. The danger of burying things is that it may be dug out and if that happens, all the hurt, anger, pain returns and sometimes, amplifies.

Huge flaw to this system that I have lived with for so long. So I learn.

I am slowly learning to really forgive and forget. It is hard, but I try. Before I go to sleep, I think of all that has happened and pray that Allah SWT forgives me and everyone around me so that when I wake up, not only can I carry on with my relationships with everyone but actually go through every single day with no remorse or anger, in shaa Allah.  But sometimes it requires us to, albeit painfully, move on and say goodbye in order to do so.

Through so many conversations, soul searching and plenty of reading, I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to move on is to cut off all ties with those who have hurt me. I now understand why someone I used to know did it. It was probably the easiest option. Life is too short to live it with anger and negativity. Forgive. But you don't have to continue the relationship. It won't make you or him/her bad people.

Someone that I used to know

"Sweet is the memory of distant friends! Like mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the heart." - Washington Irving

We always seem to know what the other one was thinking even just from a simple grin, my old friend and I. When one suddenly bursts into laughter, the other would know why and when one tells a corny joke that no one else would get, the other already knew the perfect joke that would follow. We understood the unspoken words. We tried to heal the unseen wounds. We saw through the fake smiles, the lies and the tears that were uncried.

It's really funny how a short friendship could leave such a dent in my heart with the unsaid goodbye. I was young, too naive, too proud. My heart was filled with all the sadness and pain from all the "supposed" he says she says from everyone around me that I couldn't even navigate away from it all. Even years later, I still think about how if the situations were different, could we have remained friends? Even years later, I think it was silly for us to get involved into drama that weren't even ours to begin with; each going on opposing teams, teams that we should never even have gotten on in the first place.

In the early days of our friendship, I received such horrendous news on how this friend's husband tried to do something horrible to mine...... looking back, I don't even know if all of these were true...... all the unnecessary anger, pain, the feeling of betrayal and depression my husband and I went through, which eventually lead to my miscarriage..... but my husband and I decided to let it all go, for our own sake as we were away from everyone we love, so it was not good for us to delve into all the sadness. Forgiveness were silently given to those who didn't earn it and seek it.

Some time after, we managed to bury all the hurt and we managed to lead pretty happy lives. We'd drop whatever we were doing (if they weren't important! haha) and go see each other when need be. We talked of dreams, make-up, celebrities, tv shows and so many other things but rarely talk about others. We lived in our own bubble and got caught up in all things pretty...till things got in the way. Even remembering this gives a tinge of sadness in my heart.

Everything became ugly... up to a point where her friend made fun of me on social media, that was obviously visible for me to see, and I didn't even catch it at first until friends of mine pointed it out. I was hurt and promised myself not to forgive the person. Her actions were uncalled for and were obviously done to hurt my feelings on purpose. Till today, I couldn't even bring myself to forgive her and reminded myself she truly doesn't deserve it. My old friend did apologise for what her friend did...but that was probably one of the last times we spoke cordially to each other.

Some time after this, I read something from Yasmin Mogahed's page (I had to google it up just now.. But I remember what it entailed) -


"This explains why some souls feel inexplicably drawn to other souls: 


The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Kitaab Ahaadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, Baab al-Arwaah junood mujannadah)."

I guess our souls never got to meet before this...but it's okay. It does not make us both bad people. She is a good person and I'd like to think that I am a good person too. We were just not meant to be friends...and that's okay, I guess. 

Things never go as planned!

I had my activities for today all planned out already by last night. I thought in the morning, I'd order from foodpanda then just spend the whole day at home packing my home office, do laundry, pack all the remaining clothes and everything else basically...just spend a good full day at home and spend the last two days here just reminiscing. Everything was carefully thought of. Everything was gonna be perfect (if you consider doing laundry as perfect....)

Around 9.45am, there was an announcement over the condo's PA system from management. I couldn't be bothered to listen and assumed they were just announcing that there will be some fogging exercise at the basement as they normally would have during the weekdays. So I thought nothing of it and just continued on with my Family Guy marathon. Next thing I know the TV & air cond were switched off! (my Family Guy marathon! Hwaaa!) They shut down the electricity throughout the building! That was what they announced! Of course I wasn't just gonna stay at home and pack up without air conditioning. Panas, sis. Most of my clothes were packed up in the boxes and the ones that aren't haven't been ironed! Luckily, I had my clothes from yesterday still neatly hung in the closet (it didn't smell, I promise! LOL!) so I went next door with yesterday's outfit.

First thing I wanted to do was sit down somewhere where I could charge my phone. It was at less than 10% and I knew the mister would get agitated if I don't reply his texts on my whereabouts.  I went to a few cafes but couldn't find one with sockets conveniently located close to the tables.  I even contemplated getting a foot massage at Erawan, Avenue K so I could charge my phone there. Thank goodness I managed to slap some senses into myself. I must not splurge on random stuff that I don't even need! So I ended up tapau-ing some food at the food court (because I was so malas to queue at Nando's) and just eat at home.........with no air conditioning. I sound so spoilt! I went home to eat for a bit and then thought of catching Hidden Figures at the cinema as they had one playing at 1.45pm. Just as I was about to step out, the electricity got back on!!! So there was no need for Hidden Figures! I continued packing.........and  then fell asleep! Good job, Liyana! Well...basically, I only managed to do one thing from my list today. Tomorrow will be a crazy one! Good luck to meeee!

Good night or good morning wherever you are <3

Moving

In just a few sleeps, we will be settled in our new home. My heart is filled with sadness and has been so for a while since we finally decided it was time to move out of our current home (CH). Today, we went over to the new home (NH) to oversee the touch ups that are being done before the move in date. I only saw flaws...but it was probably because my heart is still so attached to our CH.

I have been having some hard heart-to-heart talk with my heart! (HAHAHA) I have convinced her (my heart) that we will have a great time at the NH and will create many more wonderful memories there. I even tried to downplay our CH and reminded her how we have fallen down the stairs so many times (clumsy!!), the leaking that the landlord refused to get fixed since late December, it being too big and very hard to maintain, the glass railings exploding during our first year here, the late night noise almost every weekend from those leaving the clubs nearby who have made it a point to make loud noises even as late as 4am, the massive traffic on fridays.. but she reminded me of all the lovely things - it was just a few steps away from the mall, the security at the building is so tight yet friendly to tenants, the lovely receptionists, how easy it was to get last minute groceries.... but I think she is slowly getting the hang of loving the NH. We have a designated area for praying,  the dining area is separated from the living area so it will be easier to host dinners (if rajin, lol!) & we will be closer to some of our colleagues who are staying at the building next to us.

Moving is always hard but I guess in our line of work, it is always expected to be ready to move (but normally requires moving countries). To  make things easier, we have come up with our packing lists and labels. I'd like to think that we have gotten better throughout the years..or at least Rafie has! He is such a neat freak! He has folded all his clothes nicely before packing them into boxes while I on the other hand, "try" to fold mine before dumping them in. This would actually be the perfect time to declutter, set aside all the clothes that we no longer wear and sell / donate them...but I guess we don't have much time before the move. Perhaps after? I keep reminding myself that I still need to declutter and I have actually written it down so many times in all three of my planners. I seriously need to get around and do it once we have settled down in the NH, in shaa Allah.

On another note, I am looking forward to do a little bit of "gardening". Ibu and I have been talking about it and I am so excited from all the photos she has sent. It will be a form of therapy for me I guess. Allah knows how I need the therapy. One of the ladies here also have been sharing her gardening project. I am so amazed with all her healthy plants and how she has gotten her children involved as well with planting them. I can imagine all the greens on the balcony already! I will try my best to keep them alive! Try! Haha!

Okay, signing off for now! Good night or good morning wherever you are <3

Random babbling

About a year ago, I started seeing an oncologist for something that I had at that time and began to get regular blood transfusions. I hated it whenever I had to come back for the transfusions as I would get nauseated after and that feeling doesn't normally go away till the next day. Often times I go alone as I didn't want to pull my husband from his work and I got pretty used to it. Reviews, MRIs, transfusions, blood tests, EEGs, seizure treatments at the neurologist, therapists.. these are just some of those that I got used to doing alone. Of course the mister would come if he knows I am not too well to go on my own or if anything requires me getting admitted, but other than that, I felt I could do it on my own. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

I would break down easily and would always feel that no one else knew what I was going through.. I got mad at everyone. I got mad seeing my healthy friends. I got mad at my doctors. If any of you were in my way, I would probably have gotten mad at you too. I was a mess on the inside.. but no one knew. I was on several anti depressants and anxiety medications. I got tired easily. But then one day while waiting to get picked up, I was sitting down at the oncology ward, there was a kid (probably 5, 6 or 7 years old) with his very kind helper who was just a few steps away from me. I overheard the doctor asking him how he was doing and he just smiled. I still remember what his helper said "still the same, he is tired, too many needles everyday" but the kid just smiled.. He didn't complain. It hit me so hard. It took me a while to digest that lesson that I saw right in front of me.. so after that, whenever I feel that I can't do it or want to break down, I remind myself that there are those who have it worse. Sometimes this made me feel better, but sometimes, I still felt so lost.

Looking back, I just want to give my past self a huge hug and tell her that everything will all be alright.. things do get better. All I ever needed was a hug and reassurance.. I never got that at that time.. but maybe because people around me didn't know what to say or do when I was around. Even at home I couldn't talk about it, afraid that it would make others feel uncomfortable, trust me.. they do..so I chose to just keep it all in. Alhamdulillah, a year after that, when I got much better, I finally chose to open up about it to one of my best friends. I told her about how I felt, what I went through, what I wished people have told me and what I wish I could have told people without making everyone uncomfortable. I was so happy that she had let me talk. Forget psychiatrists.. A best friend is sometimes all you need. Thank you, you know who you are.

Recently, I was diagnosed with something else and I remind myself, to not keep it all in this time, but at the same time, to not look at it as a form of punishment from Allah nor is it a reason to punish people. I try my best to have a positive outlook on life, do things I love, spend more time with people I care about, walk away from situations that will lead to any negativity and buy the things that make me happy. This last point actually sometimes becomes a topic of discussion by some people here and there, who tend make a big issue out of my purchases (mostly on the dUCkscarves that I collect) and at times, rudely points it out so, as if they are the ones paying for them. Some even says how they feel sorry for my husband, not knowing that I pay for my own stuff almost all the time. LOL. Okay, enough negativity.. Wooohsaaaa..

Ending this post on a positive note.. Whatever you are going through right now, be it good or bad, all comes from Allah so you can be at peace knowing that Allah will never put you in a situation that He knows you can't handle.

Good night or good morning, wherever you are <3

National Day Celebrations

I have neglected the blog for almost three weeks. So much has happened, namely our National Day celebrations.

We had two celebrations in conjunction with Brunei's 33rd National Day. On the 22nd of February, we celebrated with a Maghrib & Isya' jemaah prayer & tahlil at the new Brunei High Commission building in Putrajaya. They invited all the Bruneian students for this particular event. The building has not been officiated yet, so that night was the first ceremony done in the building. I can't believe how beautiful the High Comm building has turned out. I felt a bit sad because when we first got to KL in February 2014, overseeing the construction was part of my responsibilities (along with a few other officers) and I still remember my last meeting there. I remember being so upset as I had an inside joke with the lead architect about it being my first born baby....so when I was made to leave work (eventhough I was already certified fit for work at that time!), I felt abit at loss. 

Anywhu.. back to the celebrations! That day was the day I finally surrendered and gave in to temptations - glorious yummy food. Hahaha. After dinner was served, we had a group photo session with everyone and we ended the night with several video presentations from Brunei. 

Brunei High Commission Home Based Staff with families

 

With the Bruneian students

On the 23rd, we had a formal celebration at Grand Hyatt. I was looking forward to this one because ever since we started clean eating, all I could think of was the famous nasi ayam from JP Teres, Hyatt. LOL! Carol, Ai Ling and my Malaysian sisters from DC came to show some love for everyone. That night along Jalan Pinang was so bad due to the heavy rain, so I felt so bad that most of them were stuck in traffic for so long, just to attend the event. This made me appreciate their attendance even more.. so ladies, if you are reading this, thank you so much. <3 That night was even more special for me as this was the first national day celebration in KL that my parents attended with us after 4 consecutive years of us celebrating National Day here in KL. Oh! The evening got better because we got to take back home leftovers. Tapau, baby!

No events attended together will be complete without the mandatory SG-BN-PH wefie. I love you!

Miss Amara and her darling parents also came to show some love!

One with my parents, our High Commissioner and Datin <3

A group photo with all Home Based Staff and spouses.

...and then we tapau!! LOL

Okay, too sleepy to type some more! Will most probably update more in the morning <3 good night or good morning, wherever you are!

Eating healthy

I slept in from 11 to 3pm today trying to just sleep away the period cramps. So bad, girls! I missed lunch and the first thing I did when I got up was text the mister and told him I was hungry, the last thing I ate this morning was pita bread dipped in cream cheese. Too malas to cook anything. The mister ordered some food from La Juiceria terus for dinner as well. For my late lunch, I had the gourmet salad with chicken which was too good that I didn't even sempat take photos, okay. For dinner, he had the gourmet salad as well but his was with teriyaki chicken. OMG. Seriously, too good. I stole some of his chicken. And girls..... my dinner...

The Nasi Lemak wrap!!!

Just look at it!!! Egg, chicken, lettuce, cucumber, anchovies.. and even got the sambal! This is a somewhat healthier version of the nasi lemak. Instead of rice, they used quinoa. 

I didn't manage to finish it because I was still full from the late lunch and from stealing the mister's teriyaki chicken... but seriously. Wow. Wow. 😍

The mister and I just recently started to embark on this healthy eating journey. We both decided it was time to think of our future. *8 years too late! hahaha* but better late than never, right? 😁 We have adopted a weekly meal plan and so far, Alhamdulillah, we have managed to follow through it.. except for yesterday when I fell weak and actually cheated on the meal plan....hey, I was out with the ladies...😅 but from today onwards, it will be smooth sailing.. oh wait! Okay, minus National Day celebration on 23rd of Feb... that one guarantee eat banyak. Hahahaha.

Okay, ending this eating healthy post here. Next post, maggi goreng from Hameeds. Sigh. Hahahahaha. I kid.

Nini

Rafie's grandfather was admitted to the hospital few days before he passed. His family didn't want Rafie to worry so they only decided to tell him if the situation was very serious and if it requires an emergency trip back home...so when he got the call that Sunday night, 8th of January, we knew it was serious.

We bought tickets for the 6.40am flight and packed our stuff. Haziq & Ashiff flew with us too. Upon arriving, Fidah picked us up and took us to the hospital to see nini. It was so hard to see him like that and I couldn't even imagine what was going through the boys' minds seeing their beloved nini in that state. No dry eyes around the moment they each took turn to hold his hand and tell him that they were home. Few hours later we decided to go home to rest for a bit before coming back to visit during the next visiting hours which starts at 6pm.

Mama woke us up and told us that nini was in critical condition again and we rushed back to the hospital. When we arrived, we bumped into one of their cousins who said her condolences to me and Aimee, another cousin. We both were so confused as I looked back at Fidah who was walking towards us and it hit us. We ran. When we got there, the aura of sadness was in the air and we knew. We knew he had left us. Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiun.

Everyone were hugging each other. What I love about this family is that they always consider me one of their own so I too was in the receiving end of most of these hugs. I thanked Allah for giving us the opportunity to see their arwah nini laki one last time before he left. Alhamdulillah.

Mama, Fidah, Rafie and I rushed back to Lambak home (where nini and some of the family members live) to make preparations for everything. I couldn't help but cry silently seeing the mister in tears while driving. Preparations were made for the jenazah to be buried the next day so that night was all about the family getting together, reciting the Qur'an and prayers and spending the last few moments with him. One more thing that I love about this family is that even while they were grieving their loss, they still took time to ask me how I was (I wasn't well that week and the flight back home + no sleep made my health took a turn for the worse), and even one offering the use of their driver to take me to the nearest clinic if need be as they knew Rafie was still very much in grief and I understood.

The next day, Monday 9th January, felt like something so unreal to me. I looked into his room which has now been cleared for preparations for mandi Jenazah and it was like I can almost expect to see arwah Nini sitting on his chair in this room watching tv..this will always be one of my memories of him. It was when I went back home to Brunei for a holiday sans Rafie and I thought it would be nice to drop by and see him in Lambak. I went to his room and there he was watching one of those P Ramlee movies I now wish I could remember which one. He asked me of Rafie and I told him Rafie couldn't come back home just yet. I remember that twinkle in his eyes when he laughed at something P Ramlee said. I will always remember that twinkle.

So many people came to pay their final respects, including my parents and my brother, that they had to do four or five Solat Jenazah because the living room couldn't fit everyone..too many people. When they carried him out to go into the Kereta Jenazah to take him to his final resting place, I couldn't even see any dry eyes. He was carried out by his sons, son-in-laws and grandsons including Rafie.

We all went to the kubur together and when we all got there, I think everyone were touched by the fact that he would be buried next to his late wife. I cried when someone told me that it was one of his requests when he was still alive. Now THAT's true love.

That night and the following nights were filled with tahlil & prayers. I loved listening stories of their arwah nini laki and arwah nini bini. I never got to meet their nini bini as she passed away long before me and Rafie met but I could tell that she was a wonderful person and had a beautiful soul just like nini laki. They imagine that their nini laki and nini bini are both now happily reunited and catching up on each other after being apart for so long and I believe they are right. The thought of him no longer in pain made everyone redha with the fact that he was no longer with us.. as it must have been difficult seeing him hospitalised every now and then.

It got me to think of my own grandfather (babah's dad) and how much I missed him and wished I could see him. I told babah that I wanted to visit him but he could only take me on a Saturday. I didn't want Rafie to take me because I thought it would be insensitive as he just lost his..but Rafie decided for us to leave on Friday so I didn't get to see my grandfather. In shaa Allah, the next time I go back home I will make it a point to see him.

May Allah SWT grant all living grandparents good health and happy lives and may He grant all our grandparents that have passed, a special place in Jannah. Aamiiin ya Rabbal alamin.

NYC, baby!

One of my girlfriends, Mar, is planning a trip to US sometime in April and have asked a few of us if we would like to join. I am seriously considering and have been making plans with another girlfriend of mine who is currently living in Washington DC and Mar has also made plans with another friend of ours who is now staying in Boston. The mister is also agreeable with me travelling with her as long as I am fit enough, so the next few months I would definitely have to keep going for my reviews and work on getting myself healthy, in shaa Allah. I know I shouldn't keep my hopes up as plans may change but this idea of returning back to DC..even just for a day, back to our first home as husband and wife, back to where I learnt how it was to live away from my family and friends...... it is what has been driving me to get fitter and healthier.

It has been years since we last set foot on the US soil and I have been yearning to go back since. Plans were made to go the past two years but we haven't gotten around to do it because we couldn't fit it into the husband's schedule so I am guessing this trip will have to be a girls' trip and I think it would be fun! The only girl's trip I've done before was from DC to NY with some girlfriends and it was amazing! New York is always amazing. I don't know what it is about the concrete jungle that always makes me feel like I can do anything on my own. I have travelled alone between DC and NY several times and looking back I don't even know how I did it. One time, I had to travel to NY to catch a flight back home to Brunei as the cheapest airfare was through JFK. I got on the DC2NY bus on my own and upon arriving to NY, dragged two huge luggages & a carry on while walking around Penn Station to go catch myself a cab to go to JFK. I bet this one comes easy for all the students living abroad but to this kampong girl, I felt like superwoman. =P

During one of our last trips to NY, we got to stay at New York Palace Hotel (now known as Lotte New York Palace). Rafie was there for work so I barely got to see him, which was okay, because I had my girl New York to hang out with. One of the reasons I was so excited about staying at the Palace Hotel was that I wanted to take photos at the courtyard where some of the Gossip Girl scenes were filmed.......but I didn't manage to! I spent one whole day in bed as I had a terrible migraine but the next few days were spent just going around the city; 2 days of going around on the hop on hop off bus and a day of Woodbury Commons accompanying some of the Bruneians before we flew back to DC. Looking back, I regret not taking many photos for keepsake.

Rafie admiring the view from our room. 

I shall update more when I can find more photos. I have spent most of last night looking up tickets, figuring out itineraries & thinking of how I can save up for all the "unplanned" shopping I'm about to do while in the US.

Pro-dUCk-tive!

Yesterday was a pretty unusual day for me.. yet somehow it was usual.. you know? Haha. I don't. 

I didn't feel too well to go out. I had a million and one errands that involved me going out but I had a temperature and my migraine was pretty bad. I thought of just staying in bed and catching up on some tv shows so I did just that for about an hour or so then I came across this photo on IG from one lady that I follow and who is one pretty sweet lady that I had the opportunity to meet through a dUCk event. She was giving her dUCkscarves a bath and I thought of doing the same! My husband knows how I have just been shoving all my dUCks into the laundry basket for quite some time thinking it would magically clean itself. I have to say I did a good job. *pats self on the back* Thank you @_mutedhues for the idea!

Here's an attempt to be creative. =P

   

Next, I thought of arranging more stuff to go on my other IG account where I am selling my preloved items. I finally went ahead and put some dUCkscarves that I have never worn and maybe never wear up for sale. So far, I have decided to part with three. THREE. Hahaha. It's ok Liyana. You're making room for some more. When I told my husband when he came home from work, he said "Why? Are you sure? Don't sell things that you love la.." he knows me too well. But I was pretty adamant. So up on IG it went. Still waiting for anyone who takes interest in them.

When I sat and looked at all the stuff that I am getting rid of, I got pretty sad. Not sad about letting go but sad thinking of how I have accumulated all these stuff in such short time without even batting an eyelash when buying them. Some of the make-up items are just extras.. extras! Who buys two extras each of the same shade of eyebrow gels & lipsticks? Me, that's who. No wonder I get broke easily! Hahaha! 

I know there's an underlying problem here though. If you ask an expert, he/she will probably say "You are trying to fill up an emptiness inside and think that buying all these things will make you happier. It doesn't". I feel like Rebecca Bloomwood but thank goodness without that massive credit card debt. She's one of the reasons that inspired me to sell off most of my stuff. Look at me getting inspirations from a fictional character! Sad, Liyana.. Really sad!

After spending quite some time feeling sorry for myself, I went ahead and deleted most of my photos on my phone. 17,000+! How? Almost 2000 were of my cats! *Pull up crazycatlady quotes!* I take photos EVERYDAY! But it actually helps me though whenever I try to update my planner. "What did I do on the 5th of January? Ah yes.... took 70 photos of the cats!" I kid! Maybe. This actually got me to update my planner and fill in details of the happenings on all those dates. 

I have three different planners for this year. One is a very cheap one I got from Kinokuniya; a weekly planner that has a vertical layout. I basically fill this up with my day to day activities and I use it to track my daily spending.

Another one is my dUCk planner I purchased late last year. While waiting for the weekly planner inserts, I just fill up the monthly planner for now. 

And lastly, my Happy Planner that one of my besties got for me as a new year's present. Thank you, Siti! <3 I am yet to fill it up with all these ideas I have in mind. I have ordered some planner stickers from etsy and I can't wait for it to arrive!

Anywhu, I am about to start my day now! Heading to poslaju this morning to post out some of the stuff that I have managed to sell through Carousell and IG. Will update more later, in shaa Allah!

Good morning & good night wherever you are <3

Oh Brother!

Currently back home in KL after few days away in Brunei for a very sad family affair. Came home to a very clean house thanks to Mu'izz who helped clean up while we were away. We arrived back home yesterday morning and we spent most of the day catching up on sleep.. well, me anyway! 

Mu'izz is leaving in a few hours time and we will be leaving the house around 3am to send him off to KLIA2. I have to admit that I will miss him being around, miss the noise outside when he will just be lazying around with the super loud music playing in the background, my jalan-jalan partner while Rafie is at work and basically my food delivery guy who would walk next door to get me food. I am so proud of the person he has become. He is a very ambitious guy and I foresee him becoming someone successful because he puts in so much effort in everything he does. Whenever I need him to be here, he will make time and try fly the next day! He is amazing seriously! But now that he is in uni, I would have to wait for him to have his break. Booooo. 

Although we fight at times (I think all siblings do!) we both know when to draw the line and actually find ways to make it up to each other. I don't know if I can go on for days without speaking to this guy. I have two other amazing brothers as well and I know they will do anything for me (if it does not require having to travel! haha) and I am blessed (Alhamdulillah) to have these three bodyguards! 

Jeddah, 2011

Raya in Brunei, 2014

Raya in Brunei, 2016. (Remember the time when I was taller than my brothers? Me neither =( ohhh I just noticed Najib has the same sinjang on! =P )

Okay... T minus 4 hours before we leave for the airport. Gonna get some shut eye first. Goodnight & good morning wherever you are <3

My first week of 2017

A little recap of my first week of 2017 so far. More like an online diary entry, so I shall warn you that it's going to get boring from here.

Sunday, 1st January 2017

Woke up sooo late after coming home around 1am the night before (we decided to catch the fireworks by the park and it was so beautiful!). Uchu, Atin, Rafie & I decided to go to Times Square to pick up Uchu's robot. Uchu has this fascination with robots and he has quite a collection back at home. He's so cute! Later in the afternoon, we decided to go to Pavilion and bring the kids out. I wasn't feeling well so we left early while the rest stayed and shopped. Slept in throughout the day hoping I'd wake up feeling better, but it didn't turn out to be that way. The pain was so intense that I had to take the prescribed painkillers. My doctor warned me that I could get addicted to painkillers and have suggested other alternatives but that day, I couldn't really think of anything else but. 

Monday, 2nd January 2017

While Uchu, Atin & the girls decided to do some last minute shopping at Kenanga, Mu'izz, Yumi, Rafie & myself opted to go to Publika and go check out what's happening there. Got myself the drink holder floats from Pink N' Proper that came in the form of donut shapes. I imagined myself having a nice warm bath while my glass of smoothie just floating around the bath tub. Aaaaaahhhhhh.. From there on, we went to Bangsar so Yumi could check out this one store to get Wafi's clothes & we settled for a McDonald's dinner right after. 

Tuesday, 3rd January 2017

Ok. Breathe. This day was the most exciting one out of all the other days of the week for me. Mu'izz, Yumi & I went to dUCk to purchase some of the alphabet dUCk collections (some for us and some for their customers) and just before we were about to have lunch, Yumi went to MAC to get something for Rash. So there I was playing around with the eyeshadows and swatching them on my wrists when Mu'izz suddenly poked my shoulder and said "Ka! Ka! Look! It's.. Look!" and there was Vivy waving at us! My eyes were so blurry that I remember squinting before I actually saw her clearly. I hilang cool okay. I ran towards her and gave her a hug. Mu'izz, who always pokes fun at me for always losing my cool around celebrities was squealing and said "OMG! Can we take a picture for with you??" HAHAHAHA. See, Mu'izz! It runs in the family. Iman was so nice to help take our photos and Vivy was so sweet when we took her time to look for nice places for our little photo session when clearly it seemed like she had somewhere else to be. THANK YOU VIVY. You made our day! Initially, we decided to get a grabcar to go back home but I think we were all just too excited that we didn't even mind walking all the way home. We stopped by Urban Decay so I could finally get my hands on the VICE lipstick in the shade Criminal, that they helped restock. It's a beautiful shade and the texture is really just as beautiful. Later that day, it was time for Uchu, Atin & the girls to leave. I was so bummed. I was already getting used to the idea of having so many people over that I felt so sunyi when everyone  left. Atleast Yumi & Mu'izz are still here.

Wednesday, 4th January 2017

My mission was to hunt for LED mirrors for the make-up class later at night because we figured we won't have good lighting in the living room. I dragged Mu'izz & Yumi to Low Yat and Times Square but we failed to find any. Took Yumi to have her first taste of boat noodle and then off to Pavilion we went. I got myself some essential oils at MUJI for my diffuser and some stickers for my planner from TIMES. We got home and waited for the MUA to come so we could start with the mini workshop. I didn't know what to expect at first and thought that it would just be like one of those youtube tutorials but I have to admit that I learnt quite a few tips that I would never have learnt just by my constant youtube-ing. The MUA has a fun sense of humour and I think she did well in trying to keep everything light and not so serious but yet manage to squeeze in all the good info.

Thursday, 5th January 2017

Yumi leaves for Brunei and Mu'izz went to KLIA2 to send her off. They left around 9am so when I went back up to the unit, I was finally home alone after having family over almost two weeks back to back (my parents were here for a few days and left two days before the rest of my family arrived for the New Year holiday). I took some time to update one of my instagram accounts where I'm selling my pre-loved (and some new) items. I have made it a point to declutter everything. Actually the idea came a few months back when I created that IG account (@liyanadeclutters) but I have been too lazy to actually gather everything up to take photos(lazy, lazy, lazy!). I have promised myself that I will get my act together and actually do it this time. We are moving sometime March, in shaa Allah and I would really love to start fresh in the new place without all the clutter. Rafie and I realised we have accumulated so many items and most are in great condition thanks to his constant nagging on how I should take good care of my items (LOL) but I see now that his nagging will pay off. I have plenty of make-up that I have hoarded in 2016 - most are unused and still sitting pretty in their packages. I had this weird mentality whereby I tell myself to buy extras incase I run out / they stop producing them / I need last minute gifts etc, so I end up being a hoarder. My name is Liyana and I am a hoarder. There. I said it. Anyways, In shaa Allah, in one or two months time, I hope to be rid of most of the items. I have even set up a Carousell account! *pats self on the back*

Speaking of decluttering, I have been looking up videos of the konmari method by Marie Kondo on YouTube & that was what pushed me to start decluttering. I bought two of her books (probably still 1/10th done on the first one. Stop being lazy!) and I promise (so many promises, LOL!) to actually finish going through both books soon.

Friday, 6th January 2017

It is never fun to wake up in pain and I should get used to it by now but I decided to push myself to get out of bed after and go grab some late breakfast next door with Mu'izz. I have been craving for Rotiboy so that was our first stop. Since I have been feeling under the weather, I need a little pick-me-up so off to Boost we went to get my Immunity Juice........I wanted to end it there so you would think I went all healthy but I also got ayam penyet from the food court. I was so happy when Mu'izz said "bah, baliktah ka. Makan di rumah saja". I was secretly hoping he'd say this and not want to go walk around the mall first but I didn't want to rush him incase he needed to get any last minute shopping done. So.. Thank you Mu'izz!

Back at home after downing everything, I decided to go through my e-mails and whatsapp messages to clear everything that was not important as I wanted to not only declutter the house but I wanted to declutter everything slowly (clear my laptop storage, photos and some music on the phone, shred unimportant documents, take photos of receipts and not having to keep everything lying around, etc). I don't like seeing that I have over 3000 e-mails in total on my e-mail accounts and most (if not all) are from shopping websites & facebook notifications. I came across old messages I saved between myself and my friend back in DC and it prompted me to go listen to this song (Jangan Menyerah or loosely translated - Don't Give Up) my friend suggested back then. It became one of our go-to songs whenever we felt low. This song always brings tears to my eyes. I needed to hear it.

The past few months have taken a toll on me but it reminded me to be patient, not give up and be thankful for all the blessings I have. Everyone goes through difficulties in their lives and it is up to each of us to react in whatever way we choose. Although I don't tell everyone exactly what I am going through and have been going through the past few months, I have been vague to everyone who cares to ask, but I have only confided in one friend other than the usual suspects - Rafie, my parents & my brothers. I have not been ready to share with anyone else, not even my bestfriends...because I know everyone's going through different things in their lives. Some may think I am shutting them out of my life but they don't know that I just choose not to share the burden with them because I don't want to bum them out and get them worried.. Eventually they too will choose to shut me out of their lives but I guess it's okay. Life is short and it must go on. Whatever it is, Allah SWT knows best. Okay, enough serious talk! ;)

Saturday, 7th January 2017

It is now past 2 am on a Sunday so I can say that this one is a fresh entry. This morning (well technically yesterday morning but let's pretend it's still Saturday), I woke up vomitting so Rafie offered me his shirt as mine was covered in vomit. He had somewhere else to be in the morning but decided to take me to the hospital instead and was given several medications. I decided to just stay at home and get Mu'izz to buy food next door. Everything was tasteless. Today's one of the days I feel that I have taken so many for granted, like my sense of taste & smell. I have been diffusing some essential oils but I can't smell anything as my nose was blocked. =/ I shall remind myself to not take my senses for granted ever again, in shaa Allah. I slept in pretty much half of the day as I have been taking the cough medicine that was supposed to make you feel drowsy and I don't like this because eventually I'll be staying up till early in the morning (almost 3 am now!) and I have Jimmy Fallon on tv while Rafie is sound asleep.

I know I have to be up early later as someone's going to come over around 11 and pick up two of our kittens....it's so sad but I know they'll go to good homes at least. We are in the process of cutting down the number of cats we will keep so it's easier for us to manage. I can hardly keep track of my medications most days when I am unwell and stuck in bed, so there are times when I can barely bring myself to go clean their food bowls & top up their food in the morning but Rafie makes it a point to come home for lunch on these days sometimes so he could do it himself.

Some people won't be able to believe my health conditions because they see my posts on IG looking all well and healthy (Alhamdulillah) but there's alot that goes behind the scene (eseyman! HAHA) before I go out. I have to always remember all my medications - painkillers (just incase!). Two Fridays ago while I was out with Uchu and the gang, I forgot to take any medications and had to learn the hard way that I must never never never forget it but thank goodness for the panadol extra that we got from 7 eleven. It helped! I know in the long run, all the medications will not be good for me internally and I think it really is time to listen to one of the suggestions to look for an alternative. May Allah SWT make it easy for me. Aaamiin ya Rabbal alamin. Good night or good morning wherever you are!

Gossips.

You have to admit that at least once in a while, you have the tendency to gossip, whether it be about your friends, family, celebrities, strangers, their family, your cats or whoever. For some, that is what they crave for on the daily... gossips. While some on the other hand are always so eager to be one to spread gossips, to be the first to provide "relevant" info. It is now becoming more and more easier for gossips to spread now with the widespread use of social media. Everyone's a screenshot away from it. It is becoming the norm where one would just stalk someone's social media account, take screenshots of their posts and forward them to their friends and gossip about the aforementioned person. I for one, have done so in the past & present me can't be more appalled.... 


أَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ الْعَظِيمَ

What we need to remind ourselves is the following :

It has been mentioned in the Qur'an in Surah Al-Hujurat ayah 12 

"O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful."

So dear sisters in Islam, we should really stop with all the backbiting, spreading of rumors and fitnah.  Do we really want to be held accountable for these actions on the Day of Judgement over a mere few minutes of gossiping pleasure?
 نعوذ بالله من ذلك

It is never too late to repent, in shaa Allah. May Allah SWT forgive us all for our mistakes and may we be worthy of Jannah Firdaus. Aamiin ya Rabbal alamin.

2016

I know it's a bit cliché but the year really did go by so fast and I for one, know that I won't miss it that much. It indeed was filled with plenty of happy memories but memories of pain and heartbreak came with it hand in hand. I promised myself and a few close friends that I will no longer dwell on the sad memories and just focus on a better and brighter 2017 and I will do just that, in shaa Allah.

But before I close that chapter, I just want to say - thank you 2016 for teaching me the following :

• how to get up again every time I fall
• what not to do whenever getting into quarrels with anyone
• how not to get into quarrels with anyone (LOL!)
• learn to keep more things to myself
• appreciate everyone in my life for the roles they play in shaping me into the person I have become
• why I must always be grateful for all that has happened
• not ask why bad things happen
• not be sad when things don't go my way
• not get broken hearted when I don't get what I pray for
• be thankful for all the good days when I am not in pain and of course the bad days too because it makes me appreciate the good days more..
• how to walk away when I need to

and above all else... that I should always be kind to myself. In order to do so, I must always treat myself well and take care of my own health and happiness, because who else but me will do so? Allah SWT created me and He placed me here for a purpose, therefore I must learn to appreciate this amanah given by Him.    

So.. thank you 2016.