YIKES.
We are officially heading back home in 40 days! FORTY DAYS! The cats will be leaving KL in 20 days and I am so sad that we will be spending almost one month apart from them. We have so much packing left to do and so many people to see before we leave. I am so grateful that I have made many friends throughout the years we have been in KL. The past few days have been spent just going out for lunches with friends from ALC, friends I have met through dUCk and one friend I have the privilege of meeting at the oncology ward few years ago.
It all just seems so surreal. KL has been home to us for almost 5 years. There has been many ups and downs but, we have come out stronger... in shaa Allah.
When we first set foot in KL in February 2014, I was a working woman. Months later, I would have my first heartbreak in KL when I was told to take leave instead and then replaced by someone who in the end took much more time off for being sick (fine, she had two surgeries in KL instead of my one surgery) as well.
I got asked by a colleague back at HQ why we mentioned I was certified fit for work in 2014 but yet had to undergo surgery less than two months later. At that time, I was slowly recovering after undergoing treatments, everything was going well and my recently diagnosed (at that time) anxiety was treatable.. but then I got word from another colleague that they were sending a replacement, I blacked out. It was unfortunate that I blacked out while walking near the edge of the bed as my head actually hit the edge before I hit the floor. The husband rushed me to the hospital and after a CT scan/MRI, my neurologist referred me to a neurosurgeon as they found that one of the cavernomas had bled. So the surgery was necessary. At that time, we were so angry and blamed everyone. It was only much later that I accepted my fate. I was reminded that everything was written long before we were born and therefore, I had to accept it. From then on, my husband and I decided that for most of my hospital sessions, we would try our best to just cover them ourselves so that the office would not have access to the records to use it against me later on while I try to recover.
Early 2015, I had another miscarriage which was eventually a blessing (I can only say this now as it was one of the worst period of my life at that time) because I was then referred to a specialist in Tawakkal who told me I had cysts in my ovaries which was treatable, but if left untreated could grow and grow. I wouldn't have known that the cysts were there if I hadn't had that miscarriage. So I consider it a blessing in disguise.
With the ongoing treatments with the neurologist, I was told to forego any plans of conceiving as in 2016, I had problems with my bloodwork which made them refer to the oncologist. I have never even heard of oncology prior to being referred there. I didn't have cancer. Just that my bloodwork was "messy". I had to go through a form of chemotherapy. I only learnt that chemotherapy was not just for cancer patients. I had a total of three sessions of the therapy from which I would normally just get sick for many days after. I learnt to be independent. Although sometimes I wish that I could bring my husband to accompany me, but I know he has much work to do... so alone I go and sit through it. I hated it. But Alhamdulillah, my bloodwork got so much better at the end of the third session.
In 2017, I started going out more. I attended social events. I was more comfortable talking to people. I managed to tame my anxiety. I started letting go of people who were toxic to me. I began taking care of myself. I attempted to go on a journey towards minimalism. Key word = attempted. LOLs.
2018 is tough. I lost my grandfather... and I wasn't home when he passed. But I was at peace knowing he was no longer in pain. I dreamt of him. A younger him, smiling. I knew he was at peace. And I felt better. We also tried adopting a baby. After being invested in it (buying clothes, a deposit for a baby crib and not counting the fact that I was already in love with the unborn baby), few weeks before the baby was born, the parents cancelled. Another heartbreak.
But we will be saying goodbye to 2018 in 40 DAYS!
So to recap,
One miscarriage,
One gamma knife surgery,
Three radiation therapies,
Depression and Anxiety
Twenty-five neuro rehabilitation sessions,
One failed adoption process..
But then, there's the countless friendships made. So there's somewhat of a balance.
Bring it on 2019!
