Random babbling

About a year ago, I started seeing an oncologist for something that I had at that time and began to get regular blood transfusions. I hated it whenever I had to come back for the transfusions as I would get nauseated after and that feeling doesn't normally go away till the next day. Often times I go alone as I didn't want to pull my husband from his work and I got pretty used to it. Reviews, MRIs, transfusions, blood tests, EEGs, seizure treatments at the neurologist, therapists.. these are just some of those that I got used to doing alone. Of course the mister would come if he knows I am not too well to go on my own or if anything requires me getting admitted, but other than that, I felt I could do it on my own. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

I would break down easily and would always feel that no one else knew what I was going through.. I got mad at everyone. I got mad seeing my healthy friends. I got mad at my doctors. If any of you were in my way, I would probably have gotten mad at you too. I was a mess on the inside.. but no one knew. I was on several anti depressants and anxiety medications. I got tired easily. But then one day while waiting to get picked up, I was sitting down at the oncology ward, there was a kid (probably 5, 6 or 7 years old) with his very kind helper who was just a few steps away from me. I overheard the doctor asking him how he was doing and he just smiled. I still remember what his helper said "still the same, he is tired, too many needles everyday" but the kid just smiled.. He didn't complain. It hit me so hard. It took me a while to digest that lesson that I saw right in front of me.. so after that, whenever I feel that I can't do it or want to break down, I remind myself that there are those who have it worse. Sometimes this made me feel better, but sometimes, I still felt so lost.

Looking back, I just want to give my past self a huge hug and tell her that everything will all be alright.. things do get better. All I ever needed was a hug and reassurance.. I never got that at that time.. but maybe because people around me didn't know what to say or do when I was around. Even at home I couldn't talk about it, afraid that it would make others feel uncomfortable, trust me.. they do..so I chose to just keep it all in. Alhamdulillah, a year after that, when I got much better, I finally chose to open up about it to one of my best friends. I told her about how I felt, what I went through, what I wished people have told me and what I wish I could have told people without making everyone uncomfortable. I was so happy that she had let me talk. Forget psychiatrists.. A best friend is sometimes all you need. Thank you, you know who you are.

Recently, I was diagnosed with something else and I remind myself, to not keep it all in this time, but at the same time, to not look at it as a form of punishment from Allah nor is it a reason to punish people. I try my best to have a positive outlook on life, do things I love, spend more time with people I care about, walk away from situations that will lead to any negativity and buy the things that make me happy. This last point actually sometimes becomes a topic of discussion by some people here and there, who tend make a big issue out of my purchases (mostly on the dUCkscarves that I collect) and at times, rudely points it out so, as if they are the ones paying for them. Some even says how they feel sorry for my husband, not knowing that I pay for my own stuff almost all the time. LOL. Okay, enough negativity.. Wooohsaaaa..

Ending this post on a positive note.. Whatever you are going through right now, be it good or bad, all comes from Allah so you can be at peace knowing that Allah will never put you in a situation that He knows you can't handle.

Good night or good morning, wherever you are <3

National Day Celebrations

I have neglected the blog for almost three weeks. So much has happened, namely our National Day celebrations.

We had two celebrations in conjunction with Brunei's 33rd National Day. On the 22nd of February, we celebrated with a Maghrib & Isya' jemaah prayer & tahlil at the new Brunei High Commission building in Putrajaya. They invited all the Bruneian students for this particular event. The building has not been officiated yet, so that night was the first ceremony done in the building. I can't believe how beautiful the High Comm building has turned out. I felt a bit sad because when we first got to KL in February 2014, overseeing the construction was part of my responsibilities (along with a few other officers) and I still remember my last meeting there. I remember being so upset as I had an inside joke with the lead architect about it being my first born baby....so when I was made to leave work (eventhough I was already certified fit for work at that time!), I felt abit at loss. 

Anywhu.. back to the celebrations! That day was the day I finally surrendered and gave in to temptations - glorious yummy food. Hahaha. After dinner was served, we had a group photo session with everyone and we ended the night with several video presentations from Brunei. 

Brunei High Commission Home Based Staff with families

 

With the Bruneian students

On the 23rd, we had a formal celebration at Grand Hyatt. I was looking forward to this one because ever since we started clean eating, all I could think of was the famous nasi ayam from JP Teres, Hyatt. LOL! Carol, Ai Ling and my Malaysian sisters from DC came to show some love for everyone. That night along Jalan Pinang was so bad due to the heavy rain, so I felt so bad that most of them were stuck in traffic for so long, just to attend the event. This made me appreciate their attendance even more.. so ladies, if you are reading this, thank you so much. <3 That night was even more special for me as this was the first national day celebration in KL that my parents attended with us after 4 consecutive years of us celebrating National Day here in KL. Oh! The evening got better because we got to take back home leftovers. Tapau, baby!

No events attended together will be complete without the mandatory SG-BN-PH wefie. I love you!

Miss Amara and her darling parents also came to show some love!

One with my parents, our High Commissioner and Datin <3

A group photo with all Home Based Staff and spouses.

...and then we tapau!! LOL

Okay, too sleepy to type some more! Will most probably update more in the morning <3 good night or good morning, wherever you are!

Eating healthy

I slept in from 11 to 3pm today trying to just sleep away the period cramps. So bad, girls! I missed lunch and the first thing I did when I got up was text the mister and told him I was hungry, the last thing I ate this morning was pita bread dipped in cream cheese. Too malas to cook anything. The mister ordered some food from La Juiceria terus for dinner as well. For my late lunch, I had the gourmet salad with chicken which was too good that I didn't even sempat take photos, okay. For dinner, he had the gourmet salad as well but his was with teriyaki chicken. OMG. Seriously, too good. I stole some of his chicken. And girls..... my dinner...

The Nasi Lemak wrap!!!

Just look at it!!! Egg, chicken, lettuce, cucumber, anchovies.. and even got the sambal! This is a somewhat healthier version of the nasi lemak. Instead of rice, they used quinoa. 

I didn't manage to finish it because I was still full from the late lunch and from stealing the mister's teriyaki chicken... but seriously. Wow. Wow. 😍

The mister and I just recently started to embark on this healthy eating journey. We both decided it was time to think of our future. *8 years too late! hahaha* but better late than never, right? 😁 We have adopted a weekly meal plan and so far, Alhamdulillah, we have managed to follow through it.. except for yesterday when I fell weak and actually cheated on the meal plan....hey, I was out with the ladies...😅 but from today onwards, it will be smooth sailing.. oh wait! Okay, minus National Day celebration on 23rd of Feb... that one guarantee eat banyak. Hahahaha.

Okay, ending this eating healthy post here. Next post, maggi goreng from Hameeds. Sigh. Hahahahaha. I kid.

Nini

Rafie's grandfather was admitted to the hospital few days before he passed. His family didn't want Rafie to worry so they only decided to tell him if the situation was very serious and if it requires an emergency trip back home...so when he got the call that Sunday night, 8th of January, we knew it was serious.

We bought tickets for the 6.40am flight and packed our stuff. Haziq & Ashiff flew with us too. Upon arriving, Fidah picked us up and took us to the hospital to see nini. It was so hard to see him like that and I couldn't even imagine what was going through the boys' minds seeing their beloved nini in that state. No dry eyes around the moment they each took turn to hold his hand and tell him that they were home. Few hours later we decided to go home to rest for a bit before coming back to visit during the next visiting hours which starts at 6pm.

Mama woke us up and told us that nini was in critical condition again and we rushed back to the hospital. When we arrived, we bumped into one of their cousins who said her condolences to me and Aimee, another cousin. We both were so confused as I looked back at Fidah who was walking towards us and it hit us. We ran. When we got there, the aura of sadness was in the air and we knew. We knew he had left us. Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiun.

Everyone were hugging each other. What I love about this family is that they always consider me one of their own so I too was in the receiving end of most of these hugs. I thanked Allah for giving us the opportunity to see their arwah nini laki one last time before he left. Alhamdulillah.

Mama, Fidah, Rafie and I rushed back to Lambak home (where nini and some of the family members live) to make preparations for everything. I couldn't help but cry silently seeing the mister in tears while driving. Preparations were made for the jenazah to be buried the next day so that night was all about the family getting together, reciting the Qur'an and prayers and spending the last few moments with him. One more thing that I love about this family is that even while they were grieving their loss, they still took time to ask me how I was (I wasn't well that week and the flight back home + no sleep made my health took a turn for the worse), and even one offering the use of their driver to take me to the nearest clinic if need be as they knew Rafie was still very much in grief and I understood.

The next day, Monday 9th January, felt like something so unreal to me. I looked into his room which has now been cleared for preparations for mandi Jenazah and it was like I can almost expect to see arwah Nini sitting on his chair in this room watching tv..this will always be one of my memories of him. It was when I went back home to Brunei for a holiday sans Rafie and I thought it would be nice to drop by and see him in Lambak. I went to his room and there he was watching one of those P Ramlee movies I now wish I could remember which one. He asked me of Rafie and I told him Rafie couldn't come back home just yet. I remember that twinkle in his eyes when he laughed at something P Ramlee said. I will always remember that twinkle.

So many people came to pay their final respects, including my parents and my brother, that they had to do four or five Solat Jenazah because the living room couldn't fit everyone..too many people. When they carried him out to go into the Kereta Jenazah to take him to his final resting place, I couldn't even see any dry eyes. He was carried out by his sons, son-in-laws and grandsons including Rafie.

We all went to the kubur together and when we all got there, I think everyone were touched by the fact that he would be buried next to his late wife. I cried when someone told me that it was one of his requests when he was still alive. Now THAT's true love.

That night and the following nights were filled with tahlil & prayers. I loved listening stories of their arwah nini laki and arwah nini bini. I never got to meet their nini bini as she passed away long before me and Rafie met but I could tell that she was a wonderful person and had a beautiful soul just like nini laki. They imagine that their nini laki and nini bini are both now happily reunited and catching up on each other after being apart for so long and I believe they are right. The thought of him no longer in pain made everyone redha with the fact that he was no longer with us.. as it must have been difficult seeing him hospitalised every now and then.

It got me to think of my own grandfather (babah's dad) and how much I missed him and wished I could see him. I told babah that I wanted to visit him but he could only take me on a Saturday. I didn't want Rafie to take me because I thought it would be insensitive as he just lost his..but Rafie decided for us to leave on Friday so I didn't get to see my grandfather. In shaa Allah, the next time I go back home I will make it a point to see him.

May Allah SWT grant all living grandparents good health and happy lives and may He grant all our grandparents that have passed, a special place in Jannah. Aamiiin ya Rabbal alamin.

NYC, baby!

One of my girlfriends, Mar, is planning a trip to US sometime in April and have asked a few of us if we would like to join. I am seriously considering and have been making plans with another girlfriend of mine who is currently living in Washington DC and Mar has also made plans with another friend of ours who is now staying in Boston. The mister is also agreeable with me travelling with her as long as I am fit enough, so the next few months I would definitely have to keep going for my reviews and work on getting myself healthy, in shaa Allah. I know I shouldn't keep my hopes up as plans may change but this idea of returning back to DC..even just for a day, back to our first home as husband and wife, back to where I learnt how it was to live away from my family and friends...... it is what has been driving me to get fitter and healthier.

It has been years since we last set foot on the US soil and I have been yearning to go back since. Plans were made to go the past two years but we haven't gotten around to do it because we couldn't fit it into the husband's schedule so I am guessing this trip will have to be a girls' trip and I think it would be fun! The only girl's trip I've done before was from DC to NY with some girlfriends and it was amazing! New York is always amazing. I don't know what it is about the concrete jungle that always makes me feel like I can do anything on my own. I have travelled alone between DC and NY several times and looking back I don't even know how I did it. One time, I had to travel to NY to catch a flight back home to Brunei as the cheapest airfare was through JFK. I got on the DC2NY bus on my own and upon arriving to NY, dragged two huge luggages & a carry on while walking around Penn Station to go catch myself a cab to go to JFK. I bet this one comes easy for all the students living abroad but to this kampong girl, I felt like superwoman. =P

During one of our last trips to NY, we got to stay at New York Palace Hotel (now known as Lotte New York Palace). Rafie was there for work so I barely got to see him, which was okay, because I had my girl New York to hang out with. One of the reasons I was so excited about staying at the Palace Hotel was that I wanted to take photos at the courtyard where some of the Gossip Girl scenes were filmed.......but I didn't manage to! I spent one whole day in bed as I had a terrible migraine but the next few days were spent just going around the city; 2 days of going around on the hop on hop off bus and a day of Woodbury Commons accompanying some of the Bruneians before we flew back to DC. Looking back, I regret not taking many photos for keepsake.

Rafie admiring the view from our room. 

I shall update more when I can find more photos. I have spent most of last night looking up tickets, figuring out itineraries & thinking of how I can save up for all the "unplanned" shopping I'm about to do while in the US.