Time Out.

I managed to take about a month break from social media and I felt great!

The first few days of my social media detox, I can't lie.. I was discontented. "What if my friends don't know what I'm eating?" "No one will know that I went to the gym today" "What if I am depriving my friends from seeing photos of my cats?" "Who will see all my artistic photos of my rose latte?" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

I survived. I know. How strong. =P

Before I went on the detox, I informed my family and bestfriends that I won't be on facebook and instagram. *queue gasp* But thank goodness for whatsapp. I could reach everyone through there instead. Whatsapp's not social media right? As I type this, I could imagine all the eye rolls from anyone attempting to read this crap. Big deal, Liyana. You're making a whole blog post about one month of not posting your usual crap on social media. 

But, in all seriousness.. I quite enjoyed it. I managed to take my time to finish my last 2 neuro rehabilitation sessions. Alhamdulillah. 25 sessions since 2014. I have never felt better. I look back on my first session there and I remember at that time, I could not for the life of me figure out how the sessions would help me in any way. I dreaded going. I get asked by friends sometimes what I do during the sessions. Some sessions, it is just about balancing my body through movements, while some sessions it's just some sessions on the treadmill followed by monitoring how I walk after. Since I used to faint alot and with the surgery and all, it was compulsory to undergo these sessions. I only had 5 primary sessions but after the 5 sessions, I started to see how it helped me and ended up paying for 20 additional sessions out of my own pocket. There were some sessions that included seeing the psychiatrist. I loved mine. Dr Hamidah (she even has the same name as my Ibu! =P) is great! I always feel like I achieved something after each session with her. She has helped me through my depression and anxiety. What I love about her is that she always reminds me of the Islamic aspects of everything at the same time. She reminds me that mental health is nothing to embarassed about and that it shouldn't be a taboo to speak of it. I have always felt that when I talk about my depression, people will judge me and will point out that I have weak iman or that maybe I have not been praying enough.. but Dr Hamidah, she encourages me to talk about it. She encourages me to open up to my loved ones about it... and I did. Alhamdulillah, my parents were very open about it when I first told them about how I was diagnosed with depression and they didn't judge me as I thought they would. One giant leap.

Anyway, I digress! As usual. =P

One of the reasons why I went on the detox was that whenever I see photos of babies, I get so upset. Sometimes without warning, tears would flow out after seeing photos of my friends and their children... and it's no one's fault... Another reason was that I was also envious seeing photos of my friends hanging out, without me. I felt left out. Ofcourse I couldn't hang with them as I am all the way here in KL and they're home in Brunei.. but again.. there's that feeling. Oh.. and then there's all the onlineshops! Hahahaha.

So, I took time out. One week into the detox, I was agitated. Two weeks in, okay lah... can lah..

I went to the gym a few times a week while narrowly escaping the personal trainer every single time. Sorry, Lukman. Nothing against you. I just hate that one hour I have with you. Hahahahaha.

I would sit down at dotty's and enjoy my rose latte (so bougie =P) and sometimes if I feel like I deserve it, I'd order the turkey slice too. Soooo goooood.

During the last few days of the detox, I thought about how I'd be going back to work and I got excited. I made a list of what to get before heading back to work. I don't know how everyone at HQ will be. I've heard all the rumors about me through colleagues and to be honest, I am so nervous. Some people back home have mentioned about how I tried to get out of work and made up my sickness. To them, I shall say..... "no one in their right mind would purposely fall flat face to the ground so many times to skip work. To be poked and prodded by needles all the time. Having to stay at the hospital countless days while I could sleep at the comfort of my own bed each night. Go through major surgery as well, JUST TO SKIP 8-9 HOURS OF DAILY WORK." My Ibu always reminds me that the truth will always prevail and that everyone else who were involved in the rumors will one day get what they deserve... even those who knew the truths but chose to remain quiet.

Whoah. Again, I digress. HAHAHAHHAA.

Liyana needs to go on a further detox I think.

Till then, goodnight or good morning wherever you are =)

My Nini.

*Inserts cliche about how time flies here*

More than half a year since I actually posted something in here and so much has happened. I wish that everything was just rosy, fine and dandy.. but that's not how life works. If everything was perfect, then there is really nothing to look forward to in the Hereafter.

We lost my nini laki this year. It took me a long time to fully grasp the fact that he was gone. I was not by his side when he took his last breath. I was stuck in KL, as I had work obligation the day before he left. I was scheduled to fly the day after... I looked forward to kissing his cheeks, to hug him, to see him make his silly faces.. the Wednesday before (two days before he passed away), I dreamt I was with him - he looked much younger with a full head of black hair. In the dream, we were at my parents' place and I was by the window, looking outside and I could see the ground was covered with a blanket of beautiful snow.. snow! in Brunei! I looked to nini and he just smiled. Then I woke up.. I told ibu about it and she told me it's time to come back home.. I wanted to go home so badly but I had some obligations to attend to here... Throughout the event, I kept checking my phone and got so anxious whenever I see a missed call - fearing the worst.

On Friday, 30th March, I woke up to so many calls from Ibu... and I knew. I knew. Rafie took control of everything, bought tickets for us to fly the next morning, instead of my scheduled evening flight. I spent the whole night just thinking of all the last words I could have said to him, the missed hugs.. I sat in the living room alone just trying to imagine him holding me and comforting me.

When we arrived home the next day, babah and ibu picked us up from the airport and took us to breakfast. They comforted me and told me how my nini went peacefully and in no pain. His last words to his caretaker (someone the family hired to take care of nini during the day when babah or his siblings are at work), was to pack up his things because the doctor told them that he will be discharged the same day. Little did he know, or maybe he did, that he was going back home for good, home to his Creator. Babah and ibu told me so many people came to see him off at the masjid. Alhamdulillah. I felt at peace knowing so many loved ones came to perform solat jenazah.

Later on during the day, we went off to KB so Rafie & I could visit nini's grave. I was holding back tears just looking at the freshly covered grave. We had tahlil and doa arwah before we said goodbye to him.

He was a good man. Was. It still hurts to refer to him in the past tense.. Nini was the type of person who would do anything for his family. Whenever babah was away for work, especially when babah was posted to Jeddah, nini would live with my family in Rimba and help look after everyone. I remember many years ago when I took up a part time job before deciding to continue my further studies, nini would be the one to send me off to work and pick me up.. sometimes, he would even pick me up during lunch time and then send me back after. Technically he had to leave home 4 times to pick up and drop off. I think he grew tired of driving me so he forced me to finally take up my driver's license - he even paid for everything! =P I only ended up getting my driver's licence the following year after he kept asking and then finally making my parents force me to take it. He told me I should be independent and so I tried.

My heart still hurts but I know in shaa Allah, I will see him again. Till then, I will continue to keep him in my prayers and pray for that sweet reunion.

Noone to talk to? Talk to Him.

There are times when you wish you can just reach out to someone and let all your worries, fears, doubts go away and often times the people around you who are within reach physically are somehow not emotionally and mentally within reach. Not everyone will want to make the effort, simply because they do not want to get tangled up with anything they deem uncomfortable. You can't blame them.. Not everyone has empathy and not everyone can sympathize with your plight. Some people will shut you out and will only focus on what matters to them no matter how much you try and let your feelings known. People will turn you away.. but Allah SWT will not.

Prayer can change everything. Work on your relationship with Allah and Allah will fix your affairs. Trust in Him. 

People will disappoint you... even those you love and who you would give up anything for.. but Allah SWT will not. Allah SWT will test you, but no tests will go unrewarded.

So be patient.. For even if you are not rewarded in this life, in shaa Allah you will be rewarded in the Hereafter.  In shaa Allah.. Aamiin ya Rabbal alamin.

Finding Li

Have you ever felt so lost that you think that you won't be able to find your own way back? And to make matters worse, it was you yourself who wandered around into the darkness, wanting to hide in the first place. I believe everyone, at some point in time wishes that they could just hide - we all need to hide sometimes... just crawl into our mind, that very private space and just be alone with our thoughts. Some may choose to stay, while some waited to be found by anyone who wanted to find us. I came across this quote online by D.W Winnicott  -"It is a joy to be hidden and disaster not to be found." (I actually typed this paragraph almost two weeks ago but didn't actually know how to continue it, till today).

Today, after some debate with myself (that probably lasted more than half an hour), I chose to go out and enjoy myself.. I chose to not be hidden. I chose to be found... or rather slowly find myself (my husband, after reading this draft joked about how my instagram handle is @liyanaishere and how the blog title is so contradicting. LOL)

I went to Avenue K and had breakfast alone at la juiceria, opted for the "nasi ayam". It took me a while to decide on whether I should have breakfast at The Loaf instead as it was just right across La juiceria. I could have had pasta at The Loaf. Mmmm... pasta.. But I reminded myself that I need to start my morning right. I actually enjoyed eating alone. I was in no hurry to go anywhere else so I took my time and just simply ate.

As I walked out and headed to klcc, I came across one of the regular buskers at the AK Buskers corner, who always plays soothing flute music that always reminds me of the rainforest, I don't know why. I chose to just stay and enjoy the music for a bit.

One of my favourite places to go to when I go out alone is Kinokuniya - I could spend hours in there just browsing and reading. I love the smell of books. I love looking at stationeries. Those who know me well enough know that I hoard notebooks, journals, coloured pens, post-it notes (yes...those too!) etc .... I need help. Really. While I was browsing through the health section. Laughs. The self help section was just on the opposite side.. "it doesn't hurt to look," I thought to myself. We all need help, don't we? Just infront of me was another book on minimalism with the title "goodbye, things". Hmmm.... Could this be the help I needed? With a little bit of satisfaction, I brought the book to the cashier. "see.. I will only walk out of this store with ONE book. My minimalism journey has begun.. oooh.. Archie!" *smacks forehead* so okay, I walked out with TWO items today. Good enough.

I decided to go to Uniqlo to check out the t-shirts.. Always in the hopes of finding that Jollibee t-shirt, but always walking out empty handed. Sigh. Tried my luck again today, but failed. Deep sigh. But what was most interesting about my visit to Uniqlo was when one Indian lady came up to me and said "You only smile outside, but not inside".. to which I awkwardly replied "Oh, okay thanks". I noticed her earlier before I set foot into Uniqlo as she was standing right outside with some paperbags at her feet. So I was surprised to see her, paperbags in tow. I pointed at the Airism area so to make it seem like I wanted to look at the Airism stuff and off I went to prevent it from getting more awkward. I got my phone out and text my husband and told him about how this random lady who told me to smile. He replied and said "you know how some people can read auras? What if she could see that you were sad on the inside?". I immediately went out to Uniqlo through the other exit and went to Isetan so I could try to absorb what the mister said. How random would it be if that was exactly what she was trying to say? Or rather she probably saw me looking so blurred while walking into Uniqlo while thinking of how to continue my 'minimalism journey' and get that Jollibee t-shirt at the same time.  😅

When I got home, all I could think of was what that lady said and I thought of how it probably could relate to what I have saved under drafts - the first paragraph. I realise that I am often not able to really show my real emotions and instead having to hide it behind smiles and laughter. Only few days ago at our reception at Hyatt, two of the locally engaged staffs (who are currently working at the High Comm and who I often get to meet at official events or whenever I visit the office) asked me how I was. One of them knew how I was at the hospital some time last week and asked me if I was already okay. I told them that everything is still the same - still the on and off pain, the hospital visits, the meds etc. So when kak Mahani (one of the LES) said "Cik Liyana, dari dulu dah kalau sakit tak pernah tunjukkan yang cik Liyana sakit. Selalu je tersenyum dan ketawa". I tried so hard not to cry as she and the other lady hugged me as I was on my way to JP Teres to grab some lunch after our rehearsals. I couldn't even bring myself to say thank you because I was too taken aback by their hugs and kind words. All I could say was that I was hungry and needed to go to JP Teres. 😔

I have always felt that if I open up to people (other than my mom, R and my brother) about how I really felt, the pain that comes and goes, everyone will find it awkward and not know how to be around me. What sucks is that on top of all that, I still struggle with anxiety and the occasional depression. I am quite the package huh? 😂  My husband is sooooo lucky. Hahahaha. On a serious note, he now encourages me to talk about how I feel, emotionally and physically.

But, today. Today. Today was actually not so bad. I am so happy I listened to myself and went out. The mister took me out to the park, after he got back home from work. We ran (well I mostly did a lot of brisk walking instead of running) 3 and a half rounds around the park. I felt so great! We ended the night by going to DOME for dinner. Hahaha. We talked about taking the whole eating healthy step seriously. We talked about going for yoga together. We talked about me doing more stuff that will help with my anxiety. I love him for always wanting what's best for me. Thank you. I know you'll be reading this.

One day at a time.

I am currently just sitting down in my mini home office and just pondering on what I have written sometime last month ago - the hiatus and think it's finally time to act on it. I have been so caught up with social media (instagram & facebook mostly) that sometimes I have to remind myself to put my phone down and just enjoy my day in the real world. As I mentioned in the post,  I tend to question myself whenever I see everyone's posts on instagram - all the baby photos, friends' travels, etc.. Which is seriously such a terrible thing for me to do and would probably make me seem ungrateful for all His blessings. I need to also remind myself to just be in the moment, appreciate my surroundings and be constantly grateful that I have a supportive family who will always pull me out of my worries and anxiety.

Depression is an ugly thing. I do not want to get back to that state of mind and having to rely on medications, frequent changing of medications to suit what was best for me.. it was really tiring. It drained me. I do NOT want that. So I told R that it was time. It might sound like a small step, but to me (someone who checks her instagram first thing in the morning and last thing before dozing off at night)..........

(because.. why not?) 😂

I need to stay away from social media for a while. It does not help that dUCk keeps releasing new stuff every other day. LOL! Maybe this will help me actually save money...Bahahaha.. Okay, but seriously. Need to stay away.

A few weeks ago, the Bruneian ladies had a farewell lunch for ka Hjh Mas with some of our Indonesian sisters. One of the ladies offered to take us to yoga class. I was complaining about my frequent headaches, the constant pain every single time I wake up..  She said yoga might be able to help. So I told R of my intention to finally take up yoga. He was so supportive and started browsing online, looking for nearby classes and he found one just 5 mins away from us. We start this Sunday! Wish us luck! =P

I am also trying my best to cut down on my salt intake as I have been constantly told that it probably has contributed to my migraines. Red meat has also been pointed out. Ahh....... red meat. I have bought two books to sort of help me out with eating healthy - Living Gluten-Free for Dummies and The New Atkins workbook. If I could find the receipts for both books, it would probably tell you that both books were bought sometime last year... and they both are still in perfect condition - untouched! Hahaha. It's time to dust off the books and get serious (munches on the oreos that R left on the computer desk as I type this) 😜

But seriously. Yoga. Cutting down my salt intake. And red meat. Sigh. Slowly.